I’ve always suffered with a bad back. Years and years . I went to the docs , please do something .He referred me to specialist . When I saw him , he said there’s a cure in America,but it’s sixty thousand dollars . I said I don’t care anything . What’s the cure , he said well they inject mercury into the spine . Wow isn’t that dangerous . No he said , it’s safe . But there’s one drawback . What’s that I asked . He said , well In summer you’re nine foot three and in winter you’re two foot six
Apparently we can't visit our relatives homes but estate agents can buy and sell houses. So i've put my house on the market and mum and dad are coming for a viewing at 3.30pm!!
A fire started on some grasslands near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made. The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily-controlled parts. Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds. "That ought to be obvious," he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!"
A man is at work one day, when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. The man knows his co-worker to be a conservative guy, and is curious about his sudden change in fashion sense. The man walks up and says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.” The co-worker responds sheepishly, “Don’t make such a big deal out of this, it’s only an earring.” The man falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, “So how long have you been wearing one?” The co-worker responds: “Ever since my wife found it in my truck.”
A new virus which is spreading a hundred times quicker then Coronavirus has been discovered, the imasthickass**t virus affects people’s ability to social distance properly, people with the imasthickass**t virus will go out to parks and beauty spots in their droves with no worries about spreading the Coronavirus. Doctors think that Coronavirus and imasthickass**t virus could be connected, but are worried by the speed imasthickass**t virus is spreading, if you see a group of people drinking tinnies in a public area please keep well clear of them!
On a bright sunny day I think, 'beer garden.' And when it's grey and raining, I love the warmth and cosiness of the pub. If it' snowing nothing beats sitting at home watching a good film with a few bottles of red wine. I'm beginning to think I have a problem with the weather!!
A new sign in the Bank reads: 'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through cash machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.' ******************************* MALE PROCEDURE: 1. Drive up to the cash machine. 2. LOWER your car window. 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN. 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw. 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt. 6. Raise window. 7. Drive off. ******************************* FEMALE PROCEDURE: 1. Drive up to cash machine. 2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine. 3. Put hand brake on, put the window down. 4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card. 5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up. 6. Attempt to insert card into machine. 7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car. 8. Insert card. 9. Re-insert card the right way. 10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page. 11. Enter PIN . 12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN. 13. Enter amount of cash required. 14. Check make-up in rear view mirror. 15. Retrieve cash and receipt. 16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside. 17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it. 18. Re-check make-up. 19. Drive forward 2 feet. 20. Reverse back to cash machine. 21. Retrieve card. 22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided! 23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you. 24. Restart stalled engine and pull off. 25. Redial person on mobile phone. 26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles. 27. Release Hand Brake!!.
A drug has finally been approved that gives Covid-19 patients more oxygen. Apparently Team Sky was using it to win the Tour de France for years.
Awe look at that, 60 years they've been together and she's just give him a big sloppy teenager kiss, so much in love. " said my missus spying on our neighbors. "Are you kidding, they hate each others guts and she's just found out she's Covid-19 positive. " I replied.
I went for a job interview yesterday. The interviewer said, "According to your CV, you like Philosophy, Astronomy and Mathematics." "Well that's correct," I replied. "Can we have a discussion on that?" He asked again. "Yes of course." I answered. "Well then," he paused, "Do you think that we are alone in this Universe?" "No," I replied. "There are people outside this room waiting for the interview you stupid bastard''. Didn't get the fucing job!!