One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home. On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass, Tootsie, Joni, Jan, Bonnie, Judy and Muffy. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store. On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the best of me, and I went inside to talk to the Nursing Home Administrator. 'Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?' 'Yes,' she said. 'They're retired prostitutes, and they're having a yard sale.'
With due consideration, in Snooker the white ball has been withdrawn due to it being seen as Supreme-ist. The Yellow and Brown are being reviewed. Reluctantly the Black ball is being withdrawn in fear of backlash. Only Red, Green, Blue and Pink are to be used!!
Hints on how to liven up your idle hours to maintain a healthy level of insanity: 1. At lunch time, sit In your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. watch them slow down. 2. On all your cheque stubs, write “For Marijuana” 3. Skip down the street, rather than walk and see how many looks you get. 4. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face. 5. Sing along at the opera. 6. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream “I won! I won!” 7. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the car park, yelling. “Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!” 8. Tell your children over dinner. “Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” And the final way to keep a healthy level of Insanity 9. Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is!!
Roman's invaded England three times and enslaved English people into slave labour, I would like Italy to apologise before I really get offended or I'm going to riot and destroy Hadrians wall.
Out-of-work lingerie model hangs up her knickers to pick asparagus during coronavirus crisis’ It's an interesting technique but I'm not sure if she’ll be able to pick much doing it like that.
A Northern Territory farm hand (a Jackeroo) radios back to the Farm Manager. "Bossman, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a Pig with the Truck. The Pig's OK, but he's stuck in the Truck's Bullbars at the front of my Truck and is Wriggling and Squealing so much I can't get him out." The Manager says, "OK, there's a .303 Rifle behind the Front Seat. Take it, Shoot the Pig in the Head and it'll be easier to remove him." Five minutes later the Jackeroo calls back, "I did what you said Bossman. Took the 303, Shot the Pig in the Head and removed him from the Bull-Bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on". "Now what's the problem"..??? raged the Manager. "Well Boss, it's his Motor-Bike. The Flashing Blue Light is stuck under the Right-Front Wheel Arch."
One day, while strolling down the boardwalk, John bumped into an old friend of his, Rob, from high school. “You look great John, how do you stay looking so young? Why you must be 60 already but you don’t look a day over 40!” Rob exclaimed. “I feel like I’m 40 too!” replied John. “That’s incredible” exclaimed Rob, “Does it run in the family? How old was your dad when he passed?” “Did I say he was dead?” asked John. “He’s 81 and is more active then ever. He just joined the neighborhood basketball team!” responded John. “Whoa! Well how old was your Grandfather when he died?” “Did I say he died” asked John. Rob was amazed. “He just had his 105th birthday and plays golf and goes swimming each day! He’s actually getting married this week!” “Getting married?!” Rob asked. If he’s 105, why on earth does he want to get married?! John looked at Rob and replied, “Did I say he wanted to?”
Three old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home when an old Grandpa walked by. One of the old Grandmas yelled out, 'Hey, we bet we can tell exactly how old you are!' The old man said, 'There is no way you can guess my age!’ One of the Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and undershorts and we can tell your exact age.' Embarrassed, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers. The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and then jump up and down several times. Determined to prove them wrong, he did it. Then they all said in unison, 'You're 87-years-old!' Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in the world did you guess my age?' Slapping their knees, high-fiving and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily crowed..... 'We were at your birthday party yesterday!!..
I went to see my doctor this morning. "How can I help you?" she asked. "I found a lump while I was in the bath," I replied, pointing downwards. "Oh right," she said, "Take your trousers down for me." After having a good old feel of my balls for a few minutes, she said, "I can't feel a lump." I said, "It's on my toe."
I was sitting at the computer last night when the wife asked me what a was doing, A told her a was looking for cheap flights, she beamed a great smile and said a love you so much and then gave me the best sex ever. I found it strange as she's never shown any interest in darts before.
"Yesterday My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend..." "Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend..." "With who?" "Thomas." "But since when is Thomas your best friend?" "Since yesterday."
Love him or hate him good old Boris isn’t daft is he.... Opens up the barbers and the pubs ,fresh cut and pint or 12 with the lads knowing full well the Mrs doesn’t want to be seen out in public with eyebrows like caterpillars and fingernails like pork scratching’s so he’s kept beauty salons closed so she can stay at home looking after the kids...The bloke’s a genius even if he brushes his hair with a fooking toffee apple!!!
The doctor said to me, "I'm sorry, Mr Brown but I'm going to have to amputate your wife's clitoris." "Amputate her clitoris?" I replied. "Why? What is it?" He said, "It's the small bump at the top of her sexual organs which gives her pleasure, but according to her you wouldn't know that.