The Priest said, 'Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so. ' Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, 'Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words.' Sister Mary Katherine said, 'Hard bed.' 'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said, 'We will get you a better bed.' After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the Priest. 'You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.' 'Cold food,' said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future. On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. 'You may say two words today.' 'I quit,' said Sister Mary Katherine. 'It's probably best,' said the Priest, 'You've done nothing but bitch since you got here.'
Dating Katie Price is a lot like Jury service. It usually lasts about two weeks and eventually most people have done it.
The maternity class was full of pregnant women and their husbands. The instructor was saying "Ladies, remember to walk as often as possible. Walking will help strengthen the pelvic muscles and make delivery much easier. Just remember to take breaks when necessary and try to walk on soft ground like grass, or a path. And gentlemen, it would be good if you walked with your wife. Remember, this is a shared experience and will do both of you good." The room became very quiet when a man in the corner slowly raised his hand. "Yes?" Asked the instructor. "I was wondering if it would be alright if she carried a golf bag while we walked.
Prince Phillip on his 99th, talking to Andrew. "It takes a lot to be the black sheep of this family, but somehow you fucing managed it"
I walked past this little old man sitting on his porch rocking back and forth in his rocking chair. ''I couldnt help but notice how happy you look, whats your secret for a long happy life? '' I asked. ''I smoke 3 packs a day'' he answered "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat a full fry up every day and I never exercise''. ''Thats amazing'' I said "how old are you anyway?'' ..... ''twenty six'' he said!!
Little Timmy One day, Timmy comes home early from school, and walks inside to see his mom on top of his dad – both naked. Timmy just stares, confused as to what they’re doing. The mom says, “Timmy? Go to your room, I’ll be up in a bit.” So Timmy goes upstairs to his room. Later his mom comes up and sits down next to him. She asks, “Timmy, what did you see?” Timmy replies, “I saw you and dad naked, and you were on top of him, bouncing up and down.” So, Timmy’s mom thinks about what to tell him, since she has to go grocery shopping and doesn’t have the time to explain sex right now. Then, an idea comes to her mind. “Is that all you saw, you have no idea what we were doing?” “That’s all I saw and I have no idea.” “Well Timmy, when you get older like your father and I, you need to exercise. When your father’s belly gets too big and full of air, we get naked and I go on top of your father. Then I push my hands on his gut, bouncing up and down to take all the air out to make him skinny again.” Timmy starts laughing, so his puzzled mother asks him, “What’s so funny?” Still giggling, he says, “That’s not going to work! Every time you’re gone, the babysitter just blows him back up again.
God went to the Arabs and said, ‘I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.’ The Arabs asked, ‘What are Commandments?’ And the Lord said, ‘They are rules for living.’ ‘Can you give us an example?’ ‘Thou shall not kill.’ ‘Not kill? We’re not interested..’ So He went to the Blacks and said, ‘I have Commandments.’ The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, ‘Honour thy Father and Mother.’ ‘Father? We don’t know who our fathers are. We’re not interested.’ Then He went to the Mexicans and said, ‘I have Commandments.’ The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said ‘Thou shall not steal.’ ‘Not steal? We’re not interested.’ Then He went to the French and said, ‘I have Commandments.’ The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, ‘Thou shall not commit adultery.’ 'Sacre bleu...Not commit adultery? We’re not interested.’ Finally, He went to the Jews and said, ‘I have Commandments..’ ‘Commandments?’ They said, ‘How much are they?’ 'They’re free.’ ‘We’ll take 10.’ There you go...that should offend just about everybody!!
One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball. The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realises that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball. Jim excitedly calls out to his golfing partner "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here." Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out "What's the matter Jim?" Jim shouts back in a nervous voice: “Throw me my 7-iron! You can't get out of here with an 8-iron.
Texted the wife - Hi Darling. I'm in the pub with a couple of mates having a quiet drink.. Someone just coughed, so we have all been quarantined. See you in 14 days!!
Just heard on Sky News that there is to be another protest in London tomorrow about coloured cake decorations, police are expecting hundreds and thousands!!
Mary comes in with a brand new bag that looked expensive Paddy: "Honey; I see you got a new Gucci bag! Where'd you get it?" Mary: "My boss and I bought a lottery ticket together and won! I bought the bag with my half of the winnings." Next day, she comes home with new, fancy sunglasses. Paddy: "Wow, those are elegant sunglasses you have on today. Where did you get them?" Mary: "My boss and I spent some of our leftover winnings on another ticket and won again! Used my half of the winnings to treat myself again." The third day; she drives home in new Ferrari. Paddy: "Let me guess.... you and your boss won the lottery again?" Mary: "Yes!! Isn't our luck just so unbelievable right now?? All of this winning has wiped me out mentally. Could you do me a huge favor and fill the bath for me, so I can relax?" Paddy: "Anything for you, dear." Mary comes up to see and finds the bathtub filled with only an inch or two of water. Mary: "Honey how is this gonna work?! You need to fill it with way more water than this." Paddy: "We don't want to get your lottery ticket wet now, do we?
Dr explaining the pandemic to a coma patient who just woke up…....... Dr: “They shut down the world because of a worldwide pandemic.” Patient: “OMG! How many people are infected?” Dr : “About 11 Million.” Patient: “OMG! 11 million people died?” Dr: “No, only 500 thousand… Kind of.” Patient: “What do you mean ‘kind of’?” Dr: “Well… they keep halving the number of deaths due to double counting, inaccurate tests and mislabeled death certificates. Also, most of the people that die are elderly and dying of other things. There are also people who died because of incorrect ventilator use and other treatments because no-one really understands the virus.” Patient: “I don’t get it. So how many died from ONLY the virus… like literally dropped dead in the street?” Dr: “No-one. Only in hospitals and nursing homes” Patient: “I don’t get it.” Dr: “Neither do I, it’s a very confusing time.” Patient: “So they cured the other 11 million people then?” Dr: “No, most didn’t have any symptoms and in fact they didn’t even know they had it.” Patient: “I don’t get it.” Dr: “Neither do I.” Patient: “It doesn’t sound very deadly. If the other 11 million people didn’t have symptoms then how do they even know they had the virus?” Dr: “They were tested.” Patient: “But you just said that the tests are inaccurate.” Dr: “They are. No-one has isolated the virus so the tests don’t really test for that.” Patient: “I don’t get it.” Dr: “Neither do I.” Patient: “Ok. So when will this pandemic be over?” Dr: “When they develop a vaccine to stop the virus.” Patient: “The virus that nobody gets or dies from.” Dr: “Exactly.” Patient: “I don’t get it.” Dr: “Neither do I.”
I've recently joined a local wine tasting club. If anybody would like to tag along we meet every day on the benches in the park at around 8.30am!!
The day finally came when the jockey was married to his girlfriend. They had met when she was working as a stable hand and their romance began with a shared love of horses: At long last, after the reception, they arrived at their honeymoon hotel. Since their relationship until then had been old fashioned and chaste, they were keen to get to know each other much more closely in the Biblical sense. Initially, there was some confusion about their booking and the manager intervened and said. "We have two suites available. Would you like the bridal?" "Oh no." Said the jockey. “I’ll just hold her by the ears until she gets the hang of it."
A British Army colonel was reviewing the troops. One man he passed sported an enormous erection. "Sergeant-Major!" the colonel shouted. "Give this man 30 days compassionate home leave." "Yes sir," the Sgt. Major replied. A few months later the same thing occurred with the same man. "Sergeant-Major! Give this man another 30 days compassionate home leave," the Colonel barked. A few months later, same guy, same problem. The Colonel is angry. "Sergeant-Major! Haven't we given this man two compassionate home leaves?" "Yessir," the Sgt. Major replies. "Then what's his problem, Sgt. Major?" the Colonel asks. The Sgt. Major salutes and says, "Sir. It's you he's fond of."