A British Army colonel was reviewing the troops. One man he passed sported an enormous erection. "Sergeant-Major!" the colonel shouted. "Give this man 30 days compassionate home leave." "Yes sir," the Sgt. Major replied. A few months later the same thing occurred with the same man. "Sergeant-Major! Give this man another 30 days compassionate home leave," the Colonel barked. A few months later, same guy, same problem. The Colonel is angry. "Sergeant-Major! Haven't we given this man two compassionate home leaves?" "Yessir," the Sgt. Major replies. "Then what's his problem, Sgt. Major?" the Colonel asks. The Sgt. Major salutes and says, "Sir. It's you he's fond of."
I was sitting in the garden having a beer when my wife stood by the back door. "You've been out there all day," she said, "Why don't you come in and spend more time with me?" "I'd love to," I said, "But today I'd rather just sit here and relax." "I think you're lying," she grumbled. "Why would you think that?" I asked. "Because it's fucing raining!"
US country trio, The Dixie Chicks, were asked to drop the word 'Dixie' from their name as it's a nickname for the confederate states who promoted negro slavery and may cause offence to some people. They've agreed to this and so not to offend anyone have changed their name to 'Chicks With Dicks'
From July 6th in Wales, grandparents can visit one set of grandchildren, but not the others, and kids can visit one of their grandparents, but not the other. Indeed, grandparents can only visit one of their children and only allow that one child to visit them. There's no limit on numbers, just one household at the same address. Similarly, one welshman can visit a field full of sheep, as long as they're all from the same farm. The sheep then can't see anyone else. Get in quick boyos!
Seamus was in his local in Dublin and started chatting to an older woman. He told her that he was off to London, England the next day to look for work. “Could you do me a favour?” asked the woman. “When you get to London, can you see if you can find my son? He went away over a year ago and hasn’t even written to me.” Seamus said he would help and asked what his name was. “It’s Dunne,” replied the woman, “and he said he was moving to somewhere in London with the postcode WC something. “Leave it to me, Mrs Dunne!” and the next day, he set off. When he arrived in London, Seamus went for a drink in a pub and noticed a door stating “WC”. He went inside and knocked on one of the cubicles. “Are you Dunne?” he shouted. “I am,” came the reply, “but I’ve no paper!” “That’s a lame excuse for not writing to your mam!”
Three boys were sitting on a fence talking. One of the little boys says to the other, "If you could have your body covered in anything, what would it be?" After thinking for a while the boy answers, "Silver." "Well, why?" "I could peel it off and buy that Honda over there." The boy then asks the other, "And you?" "Gold, I could peel it off and buy the BMW sitting over there." After a few seconds one of the boys ask the first boy, "Well, what about you?!?" The boy thought and thought and finally, said very calmly, "Hair." Well the other two boys were just sickened and asked..."HAIR???? Why in the hell would you want your WHOLE BODY covered in HAIR???" "Well", the boy answered, "My sister has got a little tiny patch of hair and she owns both of those cars!
Usain Bolt can do a hundred meters in under Ten seconds, 9.58 to be exact. What’s even more surprising is Prince Andrew has been known for doing a spot of sprinting. He's actually really fast too... Finishing in the Teens.
Age Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied: "Two years older than me" "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"
A Jamaican walks into a bank with a 25kg bag of marijuana and hands it over to the cashier... Shocked, the cashier asks “What's this for?”' The Rastafarian replies “Me here to open a joint account mon"....
An old snake goes to see his Doctor. “Doc, I need something for my eyes, I can’t see very well these days.” The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks. The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he’s very depressed. Doc says, “What’s the problem? Didn’t the glasses help you?” “The glasses are fine doc, but I just discovered I’ve been living with a hose pipe the past 2 years!”
Two Aussies were out hunting in the outback, and came upon a huge hole in the ground. They approached it and were amazed at its size. The first said, "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is." The second said, "There's an old gear box over there. Let's throw it in and see how long it takes to hit bottom." So they picked up the gear box, carried it over to the hole, counted one-two-three, and heaved it in. As they were standing there looking over the edge of the hole, a goat come crashing through the underbrush, ran up to the hole and without hesitation, jumped in head first. While they were standing there staring at each other in amazement, they peered into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about. Just then an old farmer sauntered up. "Say, you fellers didn't happen to see my goat?" The first hunter said, "Funny you should ask. We were just standing here a minute ago, and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a hundred miles an hour and jumped head first into this here hole!" The old farmer said, "Naw, that's impossible! I had him chained to a gear box."