I was out clubbing last night, and saw a fat bloke chatting up a fat girl. She turned him down though. I think she was worried he was just trying to get into her Snickers.
I was having a fight with a hoody last night when my wife opened the back door and said "Leave my washing line alone and get in this house you drunken idiot”
Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times and she won’t believe you. Tell a woman she’s fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life, because elephants never forget.
"Your son just called me an old cow!" said my neighbour. "That's disgraceful," I said. "I keep telling him not to judge people by their appearance."
CoVid 19 Humor 1. So let me get this straight, there’s no cure for a virus that can be killed by sanitizer and hand soap? 2. Is it too early to put up the Christmas tree yet? I have run out of things to do. 3. When this virus thing is over with, I still want some of you to stay away from me. 4. If these last months have taught us anything, it’s that stupidity travels faster than any virus on the planet, particularly among politicians and bureaucrats. 5. Just wait a second – so what you're telling me is that my chance of surviving all this is directly linked to the common sense of others? You’re kidding, right? 6. People are scared of getting fined or arrested for congregating in crowds, as if catching a deadly disease and dying a horrible death wasn’t enough of a deterrent. 7. If you believe all this will end and we will get back to normal just because we reopen everything, raise your hand. Now slap yourself with it. 8. Another Saturday night in the house and I just realized the trash goes out more than me. 9. Whoever decided a liquor store is more essential than a hair salon is obviously a bald-headed alcoholic. 10. Remember when you were little and all your underwear had the days of the week on them. That would be helpful right now. 11. The spread of Covid-19 is based on two factors: 1. How dense the population is and 2. How dense the population is. 12. Remember all those times when you wished the weekend would last forever? Well, wish granted. Happy now? 13. It may take a village to raise a child, but I swear it’s going to take a whole vineyard to home school one. 14. Did a big load of pajamas so I would have enough clean work clothes for this week.
When my wife wants sex, it's because I'm the horniest bastard on Earth and she loves me. When I ask for sex, I'm apparently the most depraved twat from the depths of Hell and I should stop pestering her.
I was talking to another coworker by the water cooler one day. I said, "A mate of mine tried to make a new kind of car. He took the engine from a Ford, the transmission from a Renault, the tyres from a Mazda, and the exhaust system from a Toyota..." The other coworker replied, "Really? What did he get..?" "Ten years..!" I replied
The police have announced that bookings for their annual police dinner dance function are now available. On the menu is Truncheon Meat and Chips.
“What would you like?” says the barman. “What would I like?” says Bob. “A bigger house, more money and a more attractive wife.” “No,” says the barman, patiently. “I meant what do you want?” “To win the lottery, for my mother-in-law to die and for my child to be born healthy!” “What’s it to be?” says the barman, less patiently. "A boy or a girl, I don’t care". "You misunderstand me" says the barman impatiently, "I only asked what you want to drink?" "Oh" says Bob, I see. "Why didn’t you say so? What have you got?" "Nothing at all" says the barman. "I’m perfectly healthy".
You can sit in a pub for 4 hours without a mask, but when you go into a shop for 2 to 5 minutes you need a mask. That means alcohol must kill the virus. The solution is simple drink more beer and save lives.
After an extremely tense argument with my girlfriend, the house was so quiet you could hear a pin drop. Things got a lot worse when I saw the grenade fly towards me.
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the problem?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor". She asks, " How often do I have to do that ?
If planning on visiting North Queensland or any of Queensland, we’re doing OK here right now with COVID cases. We watch in horror as the rest of the country spikes and wonder how long before it makes its way here. So if you plan on vacationing at our rivers, lakes or on our waterfalls this winter, I think you should know that red ants and bedbugs have infested hotels, motels and cabins across the area due to an unusual spring. Crocs have eaten all domesticated animals and some smaller people. We have had rabid dingo sightings at every park and town. We have Bigfoots INVADING OUR PARKS. Porcupines "stabbing" small children should they dare to enter the Bush! Drop bears have made their way over and multiplied at unprecedented rates and wander the local campgrounds in packs. Murder hornets!?! We’ve got s**tLOADS of murder hornets. Not to mention the nasty redbacks Head lice now fly... right beside the bats. So stay where you are, in your own state or country where it's safe! Seriously, PLEASE DO NOT COME HERE... and we also have NO TOILET PAPER!
The ideal man comes home early, doesn't come first, doesn't complain doesn’t cheat, doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke, doesn’t gamble and doesn’t exist.
Charlie was playing with his little brother Mickey when the little boy asked whether he could fly like Superman. "Sure, you can, Mickey," Charlie said, "Just flap your arms really hard." So, Mickey climbed up on the window sill, started flapping like mad, jumped, then smashed into the ground just a few inches below. Horrified, their mother came screaming into the room and said, "What the heck happened?!?" Charlie said: "I was just teaching Mickey not to believe everything someone tells him."
One Wish... A man on his Harley was riding along California Highway 1 when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.' The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.' God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.' The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy. God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"