I got home at 3am, steaming drunk, and half a kebab down my shirt. My wife had a fit.I thought “I’ll sort her out in the morning. I’m not gonna let her epilepsy ruin my night”.
First world war, two trenches 200 metres apart, one occupied by Germans the other by an Irish regiment, theres a stalemate , nobody has shot anybody for a whole week, on both sides they are getting very bored. Mick says to Paddy...I've an idea, what's the most common name in Germany ? Paddy says...Gunther, I'd say it's Gunther. Mick says.... Right, here's what we'll do, you get your rifle ready and I'll shout across no mans land GUNTHER, ARE YE THERE ? and when one of them sticks he's head up you shoot him, right ? Paddy says...Great idea let's try it. So Paddy gets ready and Mick shouts across to the German trenches HEY , GUNTHER ARE YOU THERE ? Up pops a Germans head and BANG, Paddy shoots him. The two of them can't believe it worked, so Paddy says.... Try it again Mick. Mick shouts out...GUNTHER, HEY, GUNTHER. Again a German head pops up and again, BANG, Paddy shoots him. They can't believe their luck, and seven more times they do it and each time a head pops up and Paddy shoots him. The Germans are getting a bit sick of this so Fritz says to he's buddy Hermann....Vot is de most common name in Ireland ? Hermann says...I believe it is Paddy, yes it is definately Paddy, of this I am sure. Fritz says...We vill play them at their own game, you get ready to shoot and I vill call out ze name Paddy. So Hermann gets ready and Fritz shouts across no mans land PADDY, I VANT A VORD VIT YOU PLEASE. No answer comes back, no head pops up, so he tries again PADDY, CAN YOU HEAR ME, ARE YOU THERE ? Still no answer, so he shouts across again PADDY ARE YOU THERE? PADDY PADDY Voice answers back...IS THAT YOU GUNTHER ?
One beautiful afternoon, @Bat.1 runs into his house and yells “Paw, I found her! I found the girl I’m gonna marry, and she’s a virgin!” Now while this might impress some families, it irritated and upset his father. Pounding his fist on the table, he yells back “There’s no way you’ll marry that girl! If she ain’t good enough for her own family, she ain’t good enough for ours!”
@lobo11 sees @Bat.1 carrying a bag. He stops him and says: “Hey buddy what do you have in that bag?” The other replies: “chickens, why?” The first says: “If I guess how many chickens you got in that bag there can i have one?” @Bat.1 holding the bag of chickens says: “If you guess how many chickens are in this bag I’ll give you both of them!”
In A Hurry A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want Novacaine because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way." The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?" The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."
Wait...What? Two men are playing golf, and there are two ladies playing in front of them. The ladies are taking forever...really playing slow. The men are getting impatient. After about three holes of this, one guy says, “This is ridiculous”. “Get in the cart and go tell them to let us play through!” So the other guy takes off in the cart. About halfway to the next hole, he stops, turns the cart around and comes back. “Hey”, he says. “This is embarrassing but that’s my wife and my girlfriend playing together. “I can’t get near them. You go.” So the other guy jumps in the cart and heads off. A minute later he comes back. He doesn’t say anything...just walks over to the tee box. The first guy says, “Well? Did you talk to them?” And the second guy says, “Uh...small world!”
A new and easy test for COVID-19 doing the rounds. Take a glass and pour your favourite spirit, then see if you can smell it. If you can then you are halfway there. Then drink it and if you can taste it then it is reasonable to assume you are currently free of the virus. I tested myself nine times last night and was virus free every time, thank goodness. I will have to test myself again today, as I have a headache, which can also be one of the symptoms!!!
I was given the task of making sure no one touched a fence that had just been painted, and do you know what? It was like watching cricket.
In Britain, when you turn 100, you get a letter from the Queen. And when you turn 16, you get a text from Prince Andrew.
Couple in a restaurant sitting at a table for two, next table to them is a table for one, and there's a fella sitting at it who happens to be suffering from Leprosy. When the couples starter arrives the guy looks across at the leper with a look of disgust on his face and pushes his uneaten starter away, the leper notices this and says...I apologise, I know how bad I look and I'm obviously turning you off your meal, I'll just go and not be anymore trouble to you.... The guy answers....Not at all, it's no you I promise, not you at all, I'm sorry, please sit down and finish your meal. Next the main course arrives, the guy takes up his knife and fork and takes a piece of the steak he ordered, he raises it to his mouth and at the same time glances at the leper, slams it back onto the plate and pushes it away and is has to struggle to not throw up for a minute or two. The leper, embarrassed and self concious, stand up and says.....I'm really, really sorry and I don't blame you at all, I should not have come here, I'm going to leave now I've obviously ruined your evening and your meal too. The guy says....No honestly , it's not you at all, please sit down and finish your meal, it's not you at all I swear to you. So the leper sits down again, and the couples dessert arrives, he takes his spoon and scoops up a mouth watering strawberry covered in ice cream from the bowl, raises it to his lips, glances at the leper and again puts it back into the bowl with a look of disgust on his face, and again pushes the bowl away. The leper has had enough, he stands up and says.....Look, I can't help the way I am, but everytime you look at me the look of disgust on your face is obvious to me, I've ruined your meal, and I am sorry, I'm going to leave now and I will pay for your meal by way of an apology. The guy says......No, no really, please it's not you, please sit down, I swear it's not you at all. The leper says.....You keep saying that, of course it's me what else could it be ? Guy says.....It's not you, it's that fella behind you at the next table, he keeps dipping he's bread in the back of your neck.
My Best Friend Passed Away Recently.. Grieving before his grave I said, “Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child? A month later, my wife gave birth to a baby boy. As my child grew older each day, I realised he looks a lot like my best friend. I’m really happy my prayer worked.
I Tried This Covid 19 Test And It Truly Works !!! A new and easy test for the horror of Covid 19 is doing the rounds and it's simple, quick and positive (or negative if you see what I mean). Take a glass and pour a decent dram of your favourite whisky into it; then see if you can smell it. If you can, then you are halfway there. Then drink it. If you can taste it then it is reasonable to assume you are currently free of the virus because the loss of the sense of smell and taste is a common symptom. I tested myself 7 times last night and was virus free every time thank goodness. I will have to test myself again today because I have developed a throbbing headache which can also be one of the symptoms. I'll report my results later.
Mr Khan my local shopkeeper must have known about Covid a long time ago. He's been making his wife wear a face covering for years.
A salesman was traveling through the countryside, selling insect repellent: He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. “Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it.” The farmer was dubious. “Young man, I’ll make you a proposition. I’ll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I’ll buy a whole case from you.” The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake. And back to the house went the farmer. The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield. Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard and drawn, but not one bite on him. The farmer was perplexed. “Son.” He said, “Now, you don’t have a bite on you, but you look like hell! What the devil happened?” The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked. “For crying out loud, Mister, doesn’t that calf have a Mother?