Scientists are saying pubs may have to close if schools reopen. Is there really that much under age drinking?
A British Navy Destroyer stops four illegals in a row boat, rowing towards Brighton ."The captain gets on the loud hailer and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft, where are you heading?" One of the illegals stands up and shouts, "We are invading England !" The crew of the Destroyer all start laughing and when the captain finally stops laughing, he gets back on the loud hailer and says, "Just the four of you?" The illegal stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The other 6 million are already there!"
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God ." No one moved. The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.” Again, all were quiet. Then, slowly, a gorgeous blonde stood up with her head bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, “Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.”
As I recovered from surgery, I asked the doctor how it went. "Well" said the doc, "you've got a punctuated large intestine." "Don't you mean punctured or perforated?" I Asked. "No" said the doc.."we removed half of it, you've now got a semi-colon."
I took my new girlfriend to a fund raiser event,we entered the one legged race and came last.she broke up with me 2 hours later, I said why?,She said we got off on the wrong foot,
Went to the doctors and he told me i needed a pacemaker. So now I've got this annoying Kenyan 2 yards in front of me everywhere I fucing go!!
The Sky At Night is examining man's fascination with the planet Mars. In 2010 we finally confirmed that there had been water on Mars but alcohol was not detected. So if mankind lives there, there will be no Mars bars....
The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Sarah Goldstein. She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?" "I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again." "Don't worry about it, Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door." "I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy; what on earth would I wear? Sarah replies, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown, custom-made by the best designer in New York." "Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat." The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York; kosher all the way Mom, I really want you to come." So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2029, Sarah Goldstein is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her and says, "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States?" The senator whispers back, "Yes, I do." Mom says proudly, "Her brother is a doctor."
I think my wife's starting to get dementia. She just said she doesn't remember what she ever saw in me.
A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as a pro Rugby player. They start to talk and eventually go back to his place. They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK. "What's that for?" the lady questions. "Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me." Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE. 'What's that ?' the lady questions again. "Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV." Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS. The lady screams: "Don't tell me you have AIDS!" The man replies: "No, no...!!! Calm down...!!! It will say ADIDAS in a minute.
A man standing at a bus stop was eating a hamburger. Next to him stood a lady with her little dog, which became very excited at the smell of the man’s supper and began whining and jumping up at him. “Do you mind if I throw him a bit?” said the man to the lady. “Not at all,” she replied, whereupon the man picked the dog up and threw it over a wall.
Two Italian virgins marry and go on their honeymoon. Unfortunately, neither knows what to do when they get there. The newlyweds call the groom's mother for advice. The mother says that they should sit on the bed together, snuggle, and things should happen from there. The newlyweds do this, but nothing happens. The groom calls his mother back. She says they should take their clothes off, get under the covers, and nature should take its course. The bride and groom take his mother's advice, but still nothing comes to mind. He calls his mother a third time. Getting frustrated with the situation, she says, "Listen, just take the biggest thing you have and stick it in her hairiest spot!" The groom is quiet for a moment and then asks his mother, "I've got my nose in her armpit, now what?".......
Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him. A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Russ! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, ‘For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you? Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.' 'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?' 'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?' 'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her? 'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'. 'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury’. Edit: OOps very similar to zen45's post... sorry https://forums.mydigitallife.net/threads/jokes-jokes-jokes.19813/page-171#post-1540390