Jokes Jokes Jokes

Discussion in 'Forum Games' started by pedagogy, Jun 2, 2010.

  1. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

    Aug 5, 2015
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    Manners and Etiquette
    During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her students:

    "If you were courting a well-educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?" Mike replies "Wait a minute, I'm going for a p."

    The teacher says : "That would be very rude and improper on your part."

    Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."

    The teacher says : "That's much better but to mention the word ''toilet'' during a meal, is unpleasant."

    And Billy says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope, to be able to introduce to you after dinner. "
    The teacher passed out….
     
  2. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    3 girls are on a plane that's going to crash,An American,a French girl and an African girl.. the American puts on her makeup and says "Rescuers will save a beautiful girl first!.'' The French girl opens her bra and says "Rescuers will save a girl with beautiful breasts first!'' The African girl removes her knickers and says "f*ck off, they always look for the black box first!"
     
  3. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    “Swearing at Work."
    Dear Employees:
    It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues.
    Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
    We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.
    Therefore, a list of 12 new and innovative, "TRY SAYING" phrases that have been provided, so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
    1.
    Try Saying:
    I think you could do with more training
    Instead Of:
    You don't have a fucing clue, do you?
    2.
    Try Saying:
    She's an aggressive go-getter.
    Instead Of:
    She's a fucing power-crazy bitch
    3.
    Try Saying:
    Perhaps I can work late
    Instead Of:
    And when the fuk do you expect me to do this?
    4.
    Try Saying:
    I'm certain that isn't feasible
    Instead Of:
    Fuk off arse-wipe
    5.
    Try Saying:
    Really?
    Instead Of:
    Well fuk me backwards with a telegraph pole
    6.
    Try Saying:
    Perhaps you should check with...
    Instead Of:
    Tell someone who gives a fuk.
    7.
    Try Saying:
    I wasn't involved in the project.
    Instead Of:
    Not my fucing problem, mate.
    8.
    Try Saying:
    That's interesting.
    Instead Of:
    What the fuk?
    9.
    Try Saying:
    I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale.
    Instead Of:
    No fucing chance mate.
    10.
    Try Saying:
    It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in
    Instead Of:
    Why the fuk didn't you tell me that yesterday?
    11.
    Try Saying:
    He's not familiar with the issues
    Instead Of:
    He's got his head up his fucing arse.
    12.
    Try Saying:
    Excuse me?
    Instead Of:
    Oi, fucface.
     
  4. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    What has hit more balls than David Beckhams right boot?

    Katie prices chin!!
     
  5. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    My wife, michelle, had been after me for several weeks to paint the seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while
    michelle was out. After finishing, I left to take
    Care of another matter before she returned.
    She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet.
    As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
    About that time, I got home and realized her predicament.
    We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.
    Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts.
    michelle wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.
    The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.).
    michelle tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."
    The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them......
    I just never saw one mounted and framed!!
     
  6. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    I applied to emigrate to Australia and they asked me if I had a criminal record

    I said I didn't realise you still needed one
     
  7. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    An Irishman goes to the doctor, who after examining him says

    “You have some problems with your heart, but if you take these tablets, I think it will be okay.

    “So the doctor gives the man the tablets and the patient asks,

    “Do I have to take them every day?”

    No,” replies the doctor, “take one on the Monday, skip the Tuesday, take one on the Wednesday, skip the Thursday and go on like that.

    “Two weeks later the doctor is walking down the street, and he sees the patient’s wife.“Hello Mrs Murphy,” he says, “how’s your husband?”

    “Oh he died of a heart attack,” says Mrs Murphy.

    “I’m very sorry to hear that,” says the doctor, “I thought if he took those tablets he would be all right.”

    “Oh the tablets were fine,” says Mrs Murphy,

    “It was all the bloody skipping that killed him!”
     
  8. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to Bunnings in Burleigh Heads. They hired him because he was so funny….

    NAME:
    Adam Landon Jones (Grumpy Bastard)

    SEX:
    Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

    DESIRED POSITON:
    Company’s Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying in the first place – would I?

    DESIRED SALARY:
    $150,000 a year plus share options and a good redundancy package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

    EDUCATION:
    Yes.

    LAST POSITON HELD:
    Target for middle management hostility.

    PREVIOUS SALARY:
    A lot less than I’m worth.

    MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
    My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

    REASON FOR LEAVING:
    It was a crap job.

    HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
    Any.

    PRFFERRPD HOURS:
    1:30 – 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

    DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
    Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

    MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
    If I had one, would I be here’?

    DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 20kg.?:
    Of what?

    DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
    I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”

    HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITON?:
    I may already be a winner of the Reader’s Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.

    DO YOU SMOKE?:
    On the job – no! On my breaks – yes!

    WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
    Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread.
    Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

    NEAREST RELATIVE?:
    12 Kms

    DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
    Oh yes. absolutely.

    ————————–————————–————————–————————

    After landing my new job as a Bunnings “Greeter” – a goodfind for many retirees, I lasted less than a day . . . . .
    About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting Bogan babe walked into the store with her two kids,yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

    As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly,
    “Good morning and welcome to Bunnings.”
    I then said,”Nice children you have there. Are they twins?”

    The woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
    “No, they ain’t effin twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the other one’s 7, why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just effin stupid?”

    I replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn’t believe someone shagged you twice…. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Bunnings.”

    My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.
     
  9. odiea

    odiea MDL Senior Member

    Jul 31, 2009
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  10. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    A woman went to the service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work

    The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

    Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming,


    'PINCH MY NIPPLES,
    PINCH MY NIPPLES,
    PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!'

    The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager
    in front of a growing crowd of customers.

    The manager comes to the woman and asks,'Ma'am what's wrong?'

    She explains the problem with the toaster, and he also tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

    Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screams,

    'PINCH MY NIPPLES,
    PINCH MY NIPPLES,
    PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!'

    which begins to draw an even bigger crowd!

    In shock, the store manager pleads, 'Ma'am, why are you saying that?' ;

    In a huff and panting breath, the woman says,

    'BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED !!'

    The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!!
     
  11. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his mum and dad in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mummy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is where me and the milkman usually get thrown off!"
     
  12. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    When the wife hooked up with me, she expected the 3 S's:

    Sensitivity, Sincerity and Sharing...

    What she really ended up with were the 3 B's:

    Burps, Body odour and Beer Breath..!
     
  13. donmiller

    donmiller MDL Addicted

    Jun 4, 2016
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    I thought she might have broke up with you because you came last or just got off too late. My mistake.
     
  14. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    I’m not saying I get distracted but.....

    Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. –
    Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
    This is how it manifests:
    I decide to water my garden.
    As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
    I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
    As I walk toward the car,
    I notice bills on the table that
    I brought up from the mail box earlier.
    I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
    I put my car keys on the table,
    put the junk mail in the bin under the table,
    and notice that the can is full.
    So, I decide to put the bills back
    on the table and take out the dirt first.
    But then I think,
    since I’m going to be near the mailbox
    when I take out the garbage anyway,
    I may as well pay the bills first.
    so I go inside the house to my desk where
    the computer is and I find the bottle of water I’d been drinking.
    To get the keyboard first I need to push the water aside
    so that I don’t accidentally knock it over.
    The water is getting warm,
    and I decide to put it in the fridge to keep it cold.
    As I head toward the kitchen with the water bottle,
    I see a vase of flowers on the counter
    they need water.
    I put the water on the counter and
    discover my reading glasses that
    I’ve been searching for all morning.
    I decide I better put them back on my desk,
    but first I’m going to water the flowers.
    I set the glasses back down on the counter,
    fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
    Someone left it on the kitchen table.
    I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV,
    I’ll be looking for the remote,
    but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table,
    so I decide to put it back in the lounge where it belongs,
    but first I’ll water the flowers.
    I pour some water in the flowers,
    but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
    So, I set the remote back on the table,
    get some paper towels and wipe up the water
    Then, I head down the passage trying to
    remember what I was planning to do.
    At the end of the day:
    the car isn’t washed
    the bills aren’t paid
    there is a warm bottle of water sitting on the counter
    the flowers don’t have enough water,
    I can’t find the remote,
    I can’t find my glasses,
    and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.
    Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
    I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all flipping day,
    and I’m really tired.
    I realize this is a serious problem,
    and I’ll try to get some help for it,
    but first I’ll check my e-mail….
     
  15. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    No matter what I do for the kids my wife is always finding fault with me. I bought my 2 year old daughter her very first jigsaw yesterday and as usual the wife went mental.
    Yelling and screaming something about her being to young for power tools..
     
  16. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    Paddy Came Home Late
    Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Finney. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
    He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket
    broke and made the landing especially painful.
    Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
    He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
    In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt, and Kathleen staring at him from across the room
    She said, 'You were drunk again last night, weren't you?'
    Paddy said, 'Why would you say such a mean thing?
    'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly , it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
     
  17. zen45

    zen45 MDL Addicted

    Feb 25, 2010
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    Careful What You Say
    One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do
    the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

    She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'

    Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'

    The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'
     
  18. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    Wrong Number
    It was last Wednesday night, and I was sitting in my room watching television when the phone rang.
    "Hello?" I said.
    A girl's voice came over the line. "Can I speak to Ben, please?"
    I live by myself, and my name definitely is not Ben. It was probably a wrong number and I was bored. I replied, "I'm sorry, he's not in right now. Can I take a message?"
    "Do you know what time he'll be back?" she responded.
    "I think he said he'd be home around 10:00."
    Silence on the other end... a confused silence.
    "Is this Steve?"
    My name isn't Steve, either. This was definitely a wrong number.
    So I replied, "Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben?"
    "Well... he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him," she said in a slightly irritated voice..
    I replied, "Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago, and said that he would be back at 10:00."
    A shocked voice now: "Who's Karen?!"
    "The girl he went out with."
    "I know that! I mean... who is she?"
    "I don't know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave a message for Ben?"
    "Yes... please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home."
    She was sounding pretty irate at this point, and I could hear her temper flaring. "I sure will. Is this Jennifer?"
    She exploded, "Who's Jennifer?"
    Apparently she wasn't.
    "Well... he's going out with Jennifer at 10:00. I thought you were her. Sorry... it was an honest mistake."
    "Ben's the one that's made the mistake! Tell him that Alice called him and the she's very upset and that I would like him to call me as soon as he gets home."
    I smiled and said, "Okay, I will... but Becky isn't going to like this..."