I got the sack from P.C world today a chap came in an asked what's the best way of finding his ancestors? ??? A shovel was probably not the right answer !
A kid walks into a general store, walks up to the owner and asks for a job: The owner says. "you think you'd make a good salesman?" The Kid says. "I don't know. I think so." Owner says. "I'll tell you what. Next customer comes in, you watch me. If you think you can do what I do, you have a job!" A few minutes later a customer comes in. The owner of the store says. "Can I help you?" The customer says. "Yes. I'd like to buy a bag of grass seed." "No problem." Says the owner as he reaches for a bag of grass seed. "Do you think you might want a lawn mower with that?" "Lawn mower?" Says the customer. "Yeah." Says the owner. "You plant that grass seed, you're gonna have a lot of grass to cut. You might want to get a lawn mower too." The customer thinks it's a great idea and agrees. The owner sells him the grass seed and the lawn mower and the customer leaves. The owner turns to the kid and says. "See that? That's selling! The guy wanted some grass seed and I sold him a lawn mower too! You think you can do that?" The kid says. "Yeah i can do that." So the owner says. "Great. Next customer comes in is yours. I'll just stand here quietly and watch. We'll see how you do." A few minutes pass by and another customer comes in. The kid says. "Can I help you?" The customer says. "Yes. I'd like to buy a box of Tampax for my wife." "No problem." Says the kid as he reaches for the box of Tampax. "Do you think you might want a lawn mower with that?" "Lawn mower?" Says the customer. "Yeah." Says the kid. "You're not going to be doing anything else for the next 7 days, you might as well cut the grass!"
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Harold stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Harold?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!' __________________ Harold watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Harold 'Giving up?' __________________ The math teacher saw that Harold wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Harold! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Harold quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!' ________________ Harold's class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Harold asked, “Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? " ___________________ Little Harold attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Harold asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Harold, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....'
I love my job as an anesthetist. Just as my patient is about to go under, I love to call them by the wrong name and tell them not to worry your vasectomy will be over shortly.
When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex: "Tarzan not know sex!" He replied. Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said. "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree!" Horrified, she said. "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly!" She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground. "Here!" She said. "You must put it in here!" Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and then gave her an almighty kick right between her legs. Jane rolled around in agony, but manages to gasp for air and screamed. "What did you do that for?" "Tarzan check for bees!"
In days of old, when Knights were bold, and ladies were not frequented. They would screw holes in wooden poles. Until their desires were sated.
A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT." On the way to his office he regretted it and decided it wasn't worth the price. So, he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note: "Dear Madam, Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that: It had never been occupied. That there was plenty of heat. That it was small enough to make me cozy and feel at home. Last night, however, I found it had been previously occupied, that there was no heat, and it was entirely too large." Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note: Dear Sir, first of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is heat if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is, indeed, of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady! Please be so kind as to send a check for the full amount of $500, or i'll be forced to contact your current landlady.
A woman is on one of those funeral cruises where the ashes of loved ones may be dumped into the sea. She had been married to a real cheapskate, who after 30 years of marriage finally died. The lady had her husband cremated, at his wishes, because he felt a plot would cost too much. After the memorial services, she went to the railing and poured his ashes out into her hands and started talking to him. "Henry," she said, "you know that mink cape I wanted all my life? Well your company sold for so much that now I have bought myself a beautiful full length mink coat." "And Henry," she said, "you know that trip to the Caribbean I always wanted to take? Well, I took a world cruise for 90 days and it was wonderful!" "And Henry," she continued, "you know that big blue Cadillac I had been hoping for the last 5 years? Well I bought a Rolls Royce instead and it drives like a dream." "Oh, and Henry," she said, "you know that blow job you always wanted?" as she blew the ashes out of her hands into the sea..
Joe Dwick had a six foot p***k. He showed it to the woman next door. She thought it was a snake, so she hit it with a rake. And now its only two foot four.
Sean flew out of town for a few days to attend his buddies funeral. Upon return, he wasn't quite ready to go home yet. Instead, he told his cab driver to take him someplace where he could get some action. The cab driver took him to his house!!
A rather large lady was sat down and noticed there were 3 old ladies standing she turned to a man sat near her and says "if you were a gentleman you would get up and let one of those ladies sit down" the man replies "if, you were a lady you'd get up and let all 3 of them sit down, you fat bitch!!''.
Swearing at Work Dear Employees: It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues. Therefore, a list of 12 new and innovative, "TRY SAYING" phrases that have been provided, so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner. 1. Try Saying: I think you could do with more training Instead Of: You don't have a ****ing clue, do you? 2. Try Saying: She's an aggressive go-getter. Instead Of: She's a ****ing power-crazy bitch 3. Try Saying: Perhaps I can work late Instead Of: And when the **** do you expect me to do this? 4. Try Saying: I'm certain that isn't feasible Instead Of: **** off arse-wipe 5. Try Saying: Really? Instead Of: Well **** me backwards with a telegraph pole 6. Try Saying: Perhaps you should check with... Instead Of: Tell someone who gives a ****. 7. Try Saying: I wasn't involved in the project. Instead Of: Not my ****ing problem, mate. 8. Try Saying: That's interesting. Instead Of: What the ****? 9. Try Saying: I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale. Instead Of: No ****ing chance mate. 10. Try Saying: It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in Instead Of: Why the **** didn't you tell me that yesterday? 11. Try Saying: He's not familiar with the issues Instead Of: He's got his head up his ****ing arse. 12. Try Saying: Excuse me? Instead Of: Oi, ****face.
Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Sergeant Flaherty. How might I help you?" "And the best of the day to yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?" Sergeant Flaherty, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!" There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."
In order to understand this joke, you'd have to know what the original Star Trek USS Enterprise (NCC-1701) looked like, and that this is a picture of a highly overpriced toilet tank flapper.