paddy's wife awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. 'What's the matter, paddy?' she whispers as she steps into the room. 'Why are you down here at this time of night?' paddy looks up from his coffee, 'I'm just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he asks solemnly. The wife is almost reduced to tears herself, just thinking how caring and sensitive her husband is. 'Yes, I do' she replies.paddy pauses. The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your dad caught us in the back seat of my car?' 'Yes, I remember,' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. paddy continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?' 'I remember that, too' she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says.... 'I would have fekin got out today!....lol
In Heaven Saint Peter had a terrible cold and fever and didn't think he would last the day minding the Pearly Gates of Heaven. So he phoned Jesus to ask for the day off. "Why, Peter," Jesus said. "You know your health is my first concern. Take as much time as you need." As Jesus pondered who he might use to replace Peter, he decided to handle the job himself. It was a very slow day and no one approached the Gates until late in the afternoon, when in the distance, Jesus saw a bent, white-haired old man slowly making his way up the path with the aid of a gnarled cane. As the man neared, Jesus said, "Good afternoon, sir. How may I help you?" "Well," replied the man, "I was hoping to enter the Gates of Heaven." "We would certainly love to have you," said Jesus, "but we do have certain rules as to who can enter Heaven. Tell me, what have you done to deserve such an honor?" "Actually, I have done nothing so wonderful myself," said the man. "I lived in a small town and led a simple life as a carpenter. But my son," he continued, "now HE was special!" With pride in his voice he said, "I raised him to be a carpenter like myself and did my best to teach him right from wrong. And when he grew older, an amazing transformation overcame him and to this day he's known throughout the world and loved by all alike." As Jesus listened to the story, a sense of recognition came to him. With a lump in his throat and a tear in his eye, he threw open his arms and cried, "Father!" Emotional at this outburst, the old man threw open his arms and yelled, "Pinocchio?"
Boris Johnson walks into a Bank to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ms could you please cash this cheque for me?" Cashier: "It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?" Johnson: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Boris Johnson, the Prime Minister. Cashier: "Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID." Johnson: “Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am." Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr Johnson, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them." Johnson, "Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque." Cashier: "Look sir, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque." "Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?" Johnson stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I don't have a clue." Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes , Mr Johnson. ?....
My mate has just watched the Chernobyl documentary. He actually grew up in the Ukraine in the 1980’s and was able to count at least 9 historical inaccuracies on one hand!
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?" "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, ..............But I fish on Fridays!!
I went to the tattoo artist and asked if he could do me a tattoo of a beautiful woman? He said: “No problem sir....where would you like it?” Me: “On the wife’s face!!”
The Queen hosted a garden party yesterday attended by Prince Andrew, Andrew approached the Cake Stand and was asked if he would like to try a Brownie..??? He politely declined. But said, * "If there's a Girl Guide going spare, he’ll have one of them instead!!''
Why Teachers Drink........................ The following questions were set in last year's school exam. These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds): Q. Name the four seasons A. Salt,pepper, mustard and vinegar. Q. How is dew formed. A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire. Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed. Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections A. Very important.Sex can only happen when a male gets an election. Q. What are steroids A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs .. (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope) Q. What happens to your body as you age A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental. Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (So true) Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A. Premature death. Q. What is artificial insemination A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow. Q. How can you delay milk turning sour A. Keep it in the cow.(Simple, but brilliant) Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen) A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain,the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U (wtf!) Q. What is the fibula? A. A small lie. Q. What does 'varicose' mean? A. Nearby. Q. What is the most common form of birth control A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. (That would work) Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section' A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome. Q. What is a seizure? A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit) Q. What is a terminal illness A. When you are sick at the airport.(Irrefutable) Q. What does the word 'benign' mean? A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.(brilliant) Q. What is a turbine? A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head. Once an Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head!!..
A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.' Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. 'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.' The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.' She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'
BREAKING NEWS: As of Monday all postmen will be working from home. They'll be reading your letters and call you if it's anything important!!..
This is a sad story of the depression that can haunt a man during these troubling times.. Marcel was sick and tired of the world; of Covid 19, Brexit, Russian belligerence, global warming, racial tensions, and the rest of the disturbing stories that occupy media headlines. So Marcel drove his car into his garage and then sealed every doorway and window as best he could. He got back into his car and wound down all the windows, selected his favorite radio station and started the car. A day later, a worried neighbor peered through his garage window and saw him in the car. She notified the emergency services and they broke in, pulling Marcel from the car. A little sip of water and, surprisingly, he was in perfect condition, but his Tesla had a dead battery.
An Elderly Irish Lady Visits Her Physician To ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido. "What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor. "Not a chance" she replied. "He won't even take an aspirin". "Not a problem," said the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra.” "What on Earth is Irish Viagra?" she asked. "It's Viagra dissolved in his morning cup of coffee. He won't even taste it. Let me know how it goes," he said. She called the doctor the very next afternoon. "How did it go?" he asked. "Oh faith, bejaysus and begorrah, doctor, it was terrible. Just horrid, I tell ya! I'm beside meself!" "Oh, no! What in the world happened?" "Well, I did the deed, Doctor, just as you advised. I put the Viagra in his morning coffee, and he drank it. Well, you know, it took effect almost immediately, and he jumped straight up out of his chair with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and his pants a-bulging. Then, with one fierce swoop of his arm, he sent the cups, saucers, and everything else that was on the table flying across the room, ripped me clothes to tatters and passionately took me then and there, right on top of the table. T’was a nightmare, I tell ya, an absolute nightmare!" “Why so terrible?" asked the doctor. "Wasn't the sex good?" "Freakin jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in me last 25 years, but sure as I'm sittin' here, Doctor... I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"
An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says, "We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive" The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps. The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and he also jumps. This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo" grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.
It’s with great sadness I have to inform all my family n friends that in the early hours of this morning my much loved turkey has passed away. Due to the coronavirus situation the funeral will be at mine around 12.30 /1pm on the 25 December . As we have a limit of 30 at present including the turkey please let me know ASAP who will be attending. Obviously Covid-19 restrictions will apply. No flowers please if you would like to make a contribution things like potatoes, carrots, green veg and aunt bessie’s Yorkshire puddings will do . Please note starters and puddings are already sorted. Also some alcohol will be greatly appreciated!