I took a scenic flight over Liverpool yesterday it was my first time in an aeroplane. And we were heading towards New Brighton when the pilot had a heart attack and died. So I got on the radio and told someone that the pilot was dead and he asked me what was happening with the plane? I said we are flying towards New Brighton and it's my first time in a plane and its flying upside down. He said if it's your first time in a plane how do you know it's upside down? I said because the s**t is coming out of my collar!!!
A bloke from India has moved in next door to me, he say`s he`s has traveled the world, swam with sharks, wrestled bears, climbed the highest mountains and eats vindaloo. It comes as no surprise he`s name is Bin dair Dundat!!
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 12 years old, but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well, Bruce, you are only 12. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely." Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny." Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine." Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this. "Well, Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?" Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far." Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little **** is adorable
A Blonde And Her Dog... One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink. Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?' The blonde said it was hers. 'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said. The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.' The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.' 'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin.' The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!' The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.'
I was so drunk last night when I got to the bottom of the stairs ..I took off my shoes, coat, top, trousers and underwear off I crept upstairs very quietly.........It was only when I got to the top of the stairs I realised I was on a fucing bus!!.
Giving the wife a lift, we were stopped by a police officer. He said " Excuse me but could I see your licence". The wife shouted to the officer. "Now look here you, I'm in hurry, so don't you start annoying my husband when he's had a drink".
Football The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
Haven't You Ever Seen A Naked Woman Before? A naked woman jumps into a taxi. The taxi driver stares at her, looking her over from top to bottom. The woman is offended and asks the taxi driver "What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?" The taxi driver responds: "Oh, it's not the fact that you're naked that bothers me." "Then why are you looking at me that way?" "Well, ma'am, I'm looking at you and thinking, 'where the hell is this lady keeping the money to pay for this ride?'"
Nasa plans to put a woman on the moon by 2024. It would have been 2022 but they need two more years to develop an automatic gearbox for the lunar rover.
My wife said, "For 10K, would you sleep with my best friend?" I said, "Of course. But where am I going to get 10K?"
A woman's anger is like a ''Check Engine Light'' There is no way to figure why it came on. Just ignore it & hope it goes away!