Discussion in 'Forum Games' started by pedagogy, Jun 2, 2010.
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Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.
Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date.? I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7:00 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! " "So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
'I'm a really good drunk,' my wife told me, 'I don't get into fights, I'm not hurtful.' I said, 'No, you save that for when you're sober.'
Mav you will win the sky thanks again
A guy is caught by a ranger eating a bald eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this:
Judge: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?"
Man: "Yes I did. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened."
Man: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish I killed the Eagle. I figured that since I killed the Eagle I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground."
Judge: "The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony."
15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.
Judge: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the Eagle, the court will dismiss the charges. But if you don't mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste like?"
Man: "Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is maybe a combination between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."
"Did I come out of mum's tummy?" asked my son.
"Yes mate." I said. "I know it's hard to believe but five years ago that's where you were."
He looked at my missus slouched on the settee. "Dad? Are there still some people in there?"
At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.
Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.
He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white patriarchal society . "In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society".
After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery", asked the couple?
"Because I am the artist, who painted the picture", he replied, "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all.
They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch"
My young Son was terrified there was a Monster under his Bed,
So I sat him down to reassure him.
"Timmy, the Monster under your Bed has gone now and he'll never bother you again."
"Really..? Are you sure, Daddy..?"
"Yes, Son," I replied
He's most probably been Eaten by the Giant seven foot Killer Clown living in our Attic"..
Seems to have Worked,
Cos, he's gone really quiet now!!
Teenagers Saul & Rachel were sat on a park bench watching the sun going down over Tel Aviv. Rachel said "Penny for your thoughts?" Saul said "I was thinking, we've been stepping out together for 3 weeks but I haven't had a kiss from you yet." Rachel obliged by planting a kiss gently on his cheek. They sat for a while and Rachel said again "Penny for your thoughts?" Saul replied "I was just thinking, it would be nice to have a cuddle." Rachel responded by embracing him and Saul lay his head on her shoulder. A few minutes elapse then Rachel says once more "Penny for your thoughts?" Saul replied "I'm thinking, we've been stepping our for 3 weeks, I'd like to feel your hand on my leg." Rachel responds by laying her palm on his thigh and leaves it tantalisingly near his crotch. After a few minutes Rachel looks at him amorously and again asks "Penny for your thoughts?" Saul replies "Rachel, I was just wondering when I'm going to get the three pennies you already owe me?"
Paddy was in France and was invited to a dinner party where chicken is being served. The French host comes across the wishbone and calls everyone to attention. He holds up the bone, breaks it apart and asks his guests, “Now, what historical figure does that remind you of?” Nobody had an answer. Very proudly, he said, “Bonaparte!” Paddy was very impressed with this and when he returned home to Ireland he decided to have a party and told his wife to serve chicken and to make sure that wishbone was on his plate. Calling his guests to his attention, he held the bone up, broke it in two and asked, “Now which historical character does that remind you of?” Nobody had an answer. Very pleased with himself, he said, “Napoleon!”
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God saw it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again saw it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back,
the ten the monkey gave back,
and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.
MC is the guy congrats
Paddy & his wife are searching their teenage daughters room, they find a packet of fags. Paddy crys '' oh lord our daughters a smoker.'' Minutes later they find a bottle of vodka. Paddy crys ''Saints preserve us our little girl is an alcoholic!'' Next they find a packet of condoms ''GOD help us'' shouts Paddy. ''She's got a. Dick
I said to the barman, "Can I have a triple whisky." He said, "Are you ok?" I said, "No, I lost my best mate today." He said, "I'm sorry, did he suffer much?" I said, "Yeah, the church wedding was fucing horrendous."
Being a doctor and a married man with kids, it feels like I'm living two lives. In one life there's medicine, scarring images and long, painful hours. And in the other life I'm a doctor.
Sex education classes in schools should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching frigging peppa pig on repeat!