An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all being brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived.. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened. 'Well,' said the American, 'I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here' 'That's amazing!' said the one of the doctors, 'But what happened to the other two?' Last I saw them,' replied the American, 'the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay his.'
Donald Trump's doctor has now 'cleared' the hoarse coughing President to resume work and rallies. Dr. Conley obviously knows what he's talking about, as he also gave Stevie Wonder a clean bill of health to start driving lessons.
My heart is broken...from one moment to another things went from joy to pain and sadness. I still don’t get how a wonderful night ended in such a tragedy. Everything was so chill, so normal; we were all laughing, having fun, and suddenly everything changed I can’t stop crying. I wish this pain on no one...Nobody should go through this ... I can still hear my friend crying in panic “You're gonna drop it , hold it, hold it” I tried but I couldn't do anything ... I dropped our only bottle of red wine on the floor and I couldn't save it!..
Three Aussie blokes are in a car - doing what three Aussie blokes in a car are always doing: coming home from the pub half-pissed. So when they see blue lights in the rear-vision, they know they have a problem. They pull over, and a copper soon sticks his head in the driver's-side window and says, "'evening fellas." He tilts his head to the driver "What's your name, mate?" The driver has an idea. He thinks for a moment, then looks across the street, and says "My name is 'Westside Fruitmarket'." The copper looks at him funny, and turns to the bloke in the passenger's seat, and says, "What about you then?" Catching onto what his mate is doing, he immediately says, "Altona Stateschool." The copper grinds his teeth, knowing full well he's going to have to figure out a way to get these twerps into his paddywagon without some of them getting away. He looks in the back seat, "And I suppose your name is Princess Motorway or something, eh?" The bloke in the back seat chuckles and says, "Nah mate, I'm Ken." The copper is blown away. "At last, someone with a real name" he declares, as he death-stares the two blokes in the front. He pulls out his notepad, and says to the fella in the back, "What's your surname, then?" "Tuckyfriedchicken."
Jesus applied for a job as a carpenter. The boss said “We have a job for you, one in Bury, one in Jerusalem.” “I'll have the one in Bury.” said Jesus “But the one in Jerusalem pays more.” “I know” said Jesus, “but the last time I worked there they hammered me with tax”....
This is a very sad story of the depression that can haunt a man. My friend Michael was so sick and tired of the world; of Covid, of Chinese aggression, of Global Warming, of BLM and the rest of the stories that our media deem important to broadcast. Michael drove his car into his garage and then sealed every doorway and window as best he could. He got back into his car and wound down all the windows, selected his favourite radio station and started the car. Two days later, a worried neighbour peered through his garage window and saw him in the car. She notified the police and ambulance and they broke in and pulled Michael from the car. Gave him a little sip of water and surprisingly he was in perfect condition but his Tesla had a flat battery.
No Nativity this year because the 3 Wise Men face a travel ban. The shepherds have been furloughed. The Inn keeper has shut under tier 3 regulations and had a slump in bookings. Santa won't be working as he would break the rule of 6 with Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Donner and Blitzen. As for Rudolph, with that red nose, he should be isolating and taking a test.
Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking. Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date.? I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer." Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7:00 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! " "So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!" Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?" Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
The nurse looked at the patient and said, "I've never seen this before. I'm bringing in the doctor." The doctor said, "I've never seen anything like this before. I'm showing you to the specialist." The specialist said, "My god, I've never seen the like!" "What is it, something serious?" asked the patient. "Not really, it's just that we've never treated a ginger in our STD clinic before."
The male brain is a wonderful thing. It works 24 hours a day, 365 days a year from the moment you're born....right up until you meet a girl with big Boobs
Q: What's the difference between an Australian wedding and an Australian funeral? A: There's one less drunk at the funeral.
News: Apple introduces HomePod device that hears everything you say, knows every answer, and controls your entire home....Shouldn't it be called the iWife?
Lucille decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel.. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00. She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!" The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it. She insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use." "But I didn't use them." 'Well, they are here, and you could have." He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous."We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here." "But I didn't go to any of those shows.." "Well, we have them, and you could have." No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response. After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But Madam, this check is for only $50.00" "That's correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me." "But I didn't!"
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years." Apparently, I'm still lost....
I was working in my shop when the cashier called me over. He said, "These two guys came in and tried to give me some fake fifty dollar notes." "What did they look like?" I asked. He said, "Fifty dollar notes."
The company Pfizer, which today announced the vaccine against Covid-19 soon, is the same company that created Viagra. Therefore, we can fully rely on the announced vaccine, because if Pfizer was able to raise the dead, they should be much more easier too cure the living!!