From 1952 to 1963 the British Government tested nuclear weapons in Australia. That's always puzzled me. Why go all that way when you've got Bradford on your doorstep?
Irish Blonde An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland , arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice and She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching." MORAL OF THE STORY Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, ..... but all men...are men!
Honeymoon Recaps An English mother had three virgin daughters. All three got married within a short space of time. Mum was a bit worried about what their early experiences would be like. She therefore made them all promise to send a postcard from their honeymoon destinations, with a few words on how marital sex felt. The 1st girl sent a card from Hawaii, two days after her wedding. The card said nothing but: ‘Nescafe.’ Mum was puzzled at first, but off she went to her kitchen to get out the Nescafe jar; it said ‘Good till the last drop.’ She blushed, but was pleased for her daughter. The 2nd girl sent a card from Atlanta, a week after her own wedding. The card read: ‘Rothmans.’ Mum dashed straight to her husband’s pack of cigarettes and she read from the pack: ‘Extra Long, King Size.’ She was again slightly embarrassed, but still happy for her daughter. The 3rd girl was in Cape Town for her honeymoon. Nothing was heard from her until all of 30 days later. Mother had begun to entertain a measure of apprehension. On the 31st day, her postcard finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: ‘South African Airways.’ Mum desperately rummaged through the waste bin for the ticket jacket her daughter had discarded before her departure. Fearing the worst, she finally found the ad for South African Airways and read: ‘Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways.’ Mum fainted.
The missus would be absolutely livid with me if she knew what kind of racist and sexist jokes I've been posting here..... Sincerely, Prince Harry
A woman answered her front door and saw a little boy holding a list. "Ma'am," he explained, "I'm on a scavenger hunt, and I still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper so I can earn a dollar." "Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?" "My babysitter's boyfriend."
Porn gives young people an unrealistic and unhealthy idea of how quick a plumber will come to your house!
I went to the doctor to get a prescription for my alcoholism. "What's the cost of this prescription?" I asked him. "$200," he said. I said, "Woah, and what are the side effects?" "Drowsiness, nausea, headaches.." he listed. "I'll decline," I said. "It seems cheaper just to get drunk."
A Greek And An Irishman Were Sitting In A Starbucks Over a double latte, the Greek mentions “We built the Pantheon, you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo.” “Well, it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.” “But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics.” “Granted, but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces.” Knowing that he’s about to deliver the coup de grace, the son of Athens points out with a note of finality: “Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!” “True enough, replied the son of Erin "but it was the Irish who got women involved"
I got home from taking our son to the park. "I'm really sorry, love," I sobbed uncontrollably to the wife. "I left Sammy's jacket on the bus." "That's ok," she laughed. "Why are you so upset?" I replied, "Because Sammy is still in it."
Or how about: I was walking by the river bank the other day, when an angler caught my eye. I could tell it was an angler because he wasn't on the level with me.
1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison. 2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it. 3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight. 4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles. 5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late. 6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago. 7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. 8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative. 9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers. 10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?" 11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing. 12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever. 13. I run like the winded. 14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on. 15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?" 16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery? 17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited. 18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east." 19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out. 20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops. 21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb. Which one is YOUR favourite?
9th November: Pfizer & BioNTech announce a vaccine that is 90% effective but has to be stored at in an industrial freezer. 16th November: Moderna announces a vaccine that is 95% effective that can be stored in a fridge. 17th November: Trump and Domestos announce a vaccine that is 99% effective and can be kept under the sink!!
i wonder what would happen if they put the vaccine in toilet paper ? would they hoard more ? what percent would stop wiping their butts ?
I told the barman at my local that he could borrow my sex doll any time he wanted. "Eugh! That's disgusting!" he exclaimed. "Yeah," I said, "but you were pretty quick to jump on my ex-girlfriend weren't you?"
Little Johnny Little Johnny sees his daddy’s car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car, and sees daddy and aunt Jane sharing a ‘passionate moment.’ Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly. “Mommy, Mommy, I was at the playground and daddy and….” Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story. So Johnny tells her. “I was at the playground and I saw daddy’s car go into the woods with aunt Jane. I went to look and daddy was giving aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then aunt Jane helped daddy take his pants off, then aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then daddy…” At this point, mommy cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for when we’re having dinner. I want to see the look on daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.” At the dinner table, mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. “Well, I was at the playground, and I saw daddy’s car go into the woods with aunt Jane. I followed them to see what they were doing, and then I saw how daddy gave aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then aunt Jane helped daddy take off his pants, and then daddy and aunt Jane did that same thing mommy and uncle Jack used to do when daddy was in the Army.” Then mom fainted.
A bloke is 15 minutes late for an appointment in town, so heads for the freeway so he can floor it. Suddenly, a traffic alert comes over the radio, "There's some lunatic driving the wrong way citybound down the Western Ring Road! If you're anywhere near the Princes Freeway exit, get off the ring road as soon as you can!" He looks up, and turns a deathly shade of pale. "What do they mean a lunatic? There's dozens of 'em!"
2 cops and their police dog are standing outside a pub when a drunk walks out grabs the dog by the tail lifts the tail up has a look puts it back down shakes his head and walks away 2nd drunk walks out grabs the dog by the tail lifts it up has a look puts it back down shakes his head and walks away 3rd drunk walks out grabs the dog by the tail lifts it up has a look puts it down shakes his head and starts to walk away when the cops grab him and say what are you doing to our dog The drunk replies the bartender inside said there is a dog outside with 2 arseholes and i wanted to see for myself!