The England vs Barbarians rugby match was cancelled because some of the Barbarians went for a meal against covid regulations. Because sticking your head between arses in the scrum, is much safer than ordering the meal for four, isn't it?.
Mother in law just fell down a wishing well... I'm in shock.... I didn't think those things actually worked....!
I went to see the doctor with a persistent neck problem. It's agony every time I tilt my neck upwards I explained It's really affecting my lifestyle and quality of life." In what way? He asked. I'm struggling to finish my fucing Beer!
During all of the isolation time, I decided to take up a few musical instruments. I figure if I'm proficient enough, I can use my talents to make a few extra bucks. So far I've learned banjo, accordion and bag pipes. The offers have already started to pour in. You would be surprised how much people are willing to pay me not to play.
A Blind Man Walks Into The Room... A nun in the convent walked into the bathroom where Mother Superior was taking a shower. “There is a blind man to see you,” the nun announced. “Send him to my quarters,” Mother Superior replied, thinking there was no need to hurry and get dressed if he was blind. The blind man walks into her room, and Mother Superior starts to tell him how much she appreciates him working at the convent for them. She goes on and on. Several minutes later, the man interrupts: “That’s nice and all, ma’am, but really, you can put your clothes on now. Where do you want me to put these blinds?”
I got sacked from PC world yesterday...A woman came in the store and asked me what was the best thing for finding your ancestors...I said a shovel...
Boy arrived late at school. Teacher asked "What excuse have you got for not being on time". The boy replied "Daddy got burned" "Hope its nothing too serious" said the teacher. "They don`t fu*k around at the crematorium" replied the boy. .
It's nearly that time of year when we get a visit from that fat character with a beard bringing presents for the kids. I hate my mother Inlaw!!.
A Question In Church The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband Tom had a terrible bicycle wreck, and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord Tom is out of the hospital, and the doctors say that with time his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said "I'm Tom." The entire congregation held its breath.. "I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum." "I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."
Me: My Name Is Matt, And I'm An Alcoholic. AAA: This is AAA, not AA. Me: Yeah, I was just explaining how my car got in the lake.
Lawyer: I have some good news and some bad news. Client: Well, give me the bad news first. Lawyer: The bad news is that the DNA tests showed that it was your blood they found all over the crime scene Client: Oh no! I'm ruined! What's the good news? Lawyer: The good news is your cholesterol is down to 130
Bloke walks into a shop. After looking around, he declares "Wow, this shop has everything that I could ever want, awesome!" The shopkeeper - a spooky, old guy wearing a hood says cryptically "Ahh, but be warned... every item comes with a price." The bloke says "Yeah mate, I know how shops work." The shopkeeper adds menacingly "The price may be far higher than you thought you would pay." The bloke retorts "Yeah, I know what sales taxes are, too." The shopkeeper, exasperated, yells "Look! I'm evil, and I sell my wares with no care as to the harm they may do!" The bloke, also exasperated, replies "Christ mate, you think I don't know how capitalism works?"
I don't want to say that my wife's large, but when she got hit by a truck I asked the driver, "Why didn't go around her?" He said, "I didn't have enough f**king petrol..."
Not Having Sex Tonight One evening last week，my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well，the passion starts to heat up，and she eventually says，‘I don‘t feel like it，I just want you to hold me.‘ I said，‘WHAT??!! What was that?!‘ So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear.... ‘You are just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.‘ She responded to my puzzled look by saying，‘Can‘t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?‘ Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night，I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big，big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn‘t decide which one to take，so I told her we‘d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes，so I said，‘Lets get a pair for each outfit.‘ We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn‘t even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said，‘That‘s fine，honey.‘ She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation，she finally said，‘I think this is all dear，let‘s go to the cashier.‘ I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out，‘No honey，I don‘t feel like it.‘ Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled，‘WHAT?‘ I then said，‘Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You are just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.‘ And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me，I added，‘Why can‘t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?‘ Apparently I am not having sex tonight.
At this time of year, I carry a stone when I go shopping. It's for throwing at people who play or sing Christmas songs too early. I call it my Jingle Bell Rock. Sits nicely next to my ding a ling.
A catholic priest and a rabbi was walking together near a bike path having a discussion, and this young boy appeared on a bicycle, rang his bell, and barreled right between them. The catholic priest got miffed, and said to the rabbi; hey, lets go f**k him. And the rabbi said; out of what?
Definition of a backhanded compliment: Your wife telling you, "Nobody makes love to me the way you do."