Little Billy Little Billy was having trouble in school. His teacher constantly yelled at him; “You’re driving me crazy, Billy! Can’t you learn anything” Billy’s mother met with his teacher at Fall conferences. The teacher told her Billy was a disaster, getting the lowest marks of any of her students and that she had never had such an unmotivated and ignorant little boy in all of her teaching career. Billy’s mom, shocked at this feedback, withdrew her son immediately and moved from Detroit to Cleveland. 25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with severe cardiac disease. Her doctors advised open heart surgery and that only one surgeon in the Cleveland Clinic could perform the procedure. The teacher decided to have the procedure, which was remarkably successful at the Cleveland Clinic. In the recovery room, she saw the young doctor who headed her surgical team, smiling down at her. She wanted to thank him. Instead, her face suddenly turned blue as she tried to speak and then she quickly died. The doctor was shocked, wondering what went suddenly wrong. When the doctor turned to leave the room, he saw that Billy, the janitor at the Cleveland Clinic, had unplugged the life-support equipment in order to plug in his vacuum cleaner. If you thought that Billy had become the heart-surgeon, then you’ve been reading too many inspirational stories.
Grownup Kids An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough." "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up. Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" She calls their father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing. The two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper. DO YOU HEAR ME?” She hangs up the phone. The old man turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they’re both coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares.
My wife told me she's leaving me because I'm such a miserable bastard Now that's cheered me up immensely
A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey. The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farm for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10 This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day. The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery and even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and just cover your own !!! You'll be a lot happier and live longer!
My son's are both over 20, neither of them do drugs, they only drink in moderation and I can honestly say I've never heard a single swear word from either of them. Boring little bastards!
Three guys died together in a terrible accident. Fortunately, they went to heaven. St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here: Don’t step on the ducks, as they are God’s favourite creation.” They enter heaven and see ducks everywhere, and it’s almost impossible not to step on a duck. The first guy accidentally steps on one, and soon here comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman you’ve ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment is to be chained to this ugly woman forever.” The next day the second guy steps on a duck, and sure enough, St. Peter comes with another real ugly woman and chains them together. Seeing this, the third guy is very, very careful. He goes for months and doesn’t step on any ducks. Then one day, St. Peter comes along with this beautiful woman, a blue-eyed blonde, very young and very sexy. He chains them together and leaves without saying a word. The man remarks, “Wow! This is great! I wonder what I did to deserve this?” The Blonde says, “I don’t know about you, but I just stepped on a duck.”
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, "My name is MC and I'm an alcoholic?"
Today's my birthday so my wife said she'd do my "favourite fantasy." I had her put on a cute apron as a "naughty housewife" in the kitchen. She just stood there for 15 minutes, and then she said, "Well, aren't you going to come get it over with and give me a rogering ?" I replied, "No, I just love seeing you where you belong at the stove."
A wealthy old man was lying on his deathbed, when it occurred to him he had never made a will, so he called his lawyer to help him make his will. The following day his lawyer came, and the wealthy man said, "I want 25% of my money to go to charity. After all I've taken, I should give something back." "How generous of you," the lawyer responded. "I'll make sure it happens right away." "I also want 25% of it to go to my son. He's been counting the days till he could get my money," the old man said. "Okay, I'll make sure he receives 25% of it," the lawyer replied. "I want the rest to go to my wife, on condition that she remarries after I die," the old man said. "Okay, I'll ensure that that happens, but may I ask why you want her to remarry? It's a quite obscure request," the lawyer asked. "I want to make sure at least one man regrets my death," the old man said...
An Elderly Gentlemen... Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.' The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
Ordered some Chinese food last night. When it got delivered, the Chinese man said "£20.00 pwease" I said, "Do you know what Katie Prices son is called?" He said "Harfey Pwice." I said "Cheers ting tong, here's a tenner now fuk off"