I just told my wife I'm going to start smoking marijuana. She said, if I did she was going to leave me. So, there is your proof that marijuana gets rid of pains....
Claire - a very, very blonde girl - arrives at a local mechanic, jumps out of the car, and points at the dent in the front panel. "Please fix this - it's actually my boyfriend's car, and he'll kill me if I bring it home like this." The mechanic decides to have some fun with her and says, "Actually, there's an old trick - just take it home, and blow into the tailpipe. The dent will pop right out!" Claire smiles, jumps back into the car, drives it home and parks, and starts blowing into the tailpipe. Her (equally-blonde) next-door neighbour Tara, sees Claire doing this odd act, pokes her head over the fence, and asks what she's doing. Frustrated, dirty, and with a ring of soot around her mouth, Claire says, "The mechanic said that blowing into the tailpipe pops dents out, but it's not working!" Tara laughs uproariously, and says to Claire, "You're an idiot, that's not going to work," before adding, "You have to wind the windows up first."
The Doctor said to Paddy's wife, "Quick! Paddy is having a stroke!" Paddy's wife replied, " s**t, not again, Should I look the other way?"
One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball. The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realises that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball. Jim excitedly calls out to his golfing partner "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here." Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out "What's the matter Jim?" Jim shouts back in a nervous voice: “Throw me my 7-iron! You can't get out of here with an 8-iron. “
Little Mary wanders into her parent bedroom late one night and asks if they know how long they have lived at that house, then she holds up two fingers. “Yes, two years’ said mommy “well done”. The following night she again appears in their room asks if they know how many kittens they have. She then answers her own question by (correctly) holding up three fingers. Two nights later, she’s back to ask if they know how old she will be on her birthday next week, and as her parents look at her she holds up five fingers. “Well done again” said mommy “Don’t you agree daddy ?” “Sod that “ said daddy, clearly exasperated, “I want to know where she is getting all those fingers from !”
I went to the garage this morning for petrol. The first pump wouldn't work, the second wouldn't nor the third. I went into the shop and said to the blonde girl behind the counter, "Have you got your pumps on?" She said, "No, I'm wearing Ugg boots
I had an affair with a stunning woman once but it didn't last. Not wanting my wife to discover any perfume or make up on me, I told her not to wear any. And then I didn't fancy her anymore.
"I always stir my tea with my left hand", said the Englishman. "I always stir my tea with my right hand", said the Scotsman. "How about you?" the Irishman was asked. ''Oh me?'' said the Irishman, ''I always use a feckin spoon''
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit. "May we see the new baby?" one asked. "Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first." Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?" "No, not yet," said the mother. After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?" "No, not yet," replied the mother. Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?" "WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them. "Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?" "BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM. O.K.?"
My wife is leaving me because I ask for sex far too often. We're going to see a divorce lawyer tomorrow. The wife says she wants a quickie. And she's got the cheek to talk about me?..
A woman who was widowed at a very young age was in the store buying groceries one day. And being several months since her husband died, she was feeling a little lonely. She noticed the young boy who was bagging her groceries at the checkout, a strong strapping country boy. And she asked him if he would carry her groceries out to the car for her. On the way out to the car she takes the boy by his arm and whispers in his ear. "I have an itchy pussy." The boy looks her right in they eye and says. "Lady you'll have to point that one out, all those Japanese cars look the same to me."
I got drunk and chatted up this bird down the pub. "You remind me of Bob Dylan," she said. "What?" I replied, "profound and poetic?" "No," she said, "I can hardly understand a word you are saying."
I got home at 3am, steaming drunk, and half a kebab down my shirt. My wife had a fit.I thought "I'll sort her out in the morning. I'm not gonna let her epilepsy ruin my night".
I told my Daughter to take an old damaged portrait of herself to a restorer to get fixed. Dirty bastard just texted me saying he'd touched her up!
Lawyer: I have some good news and some bad news. Client: Well, give me the bad news first. Lawyer: The bad news is that the DNA tests showed that it was your blood they found all over the crime scene Client: Oh no! I'm ruined! What's the good news? Lawyer: The good news is your cholesterol is down to 130!