Two guys were sitting at a bar one night drinking and talking about their wives. "My old lady is so ugly," one said, " that when she went to the beauty parlor, they told her that there was nothing they could do." "You think that's bad?" The other man asked. " I took my wife to a plastic surgeon and asked him what he could do to make my wife look better. The only thing he could think of was adding a tail.
A Teacher had Johnny put Worms in 4 jars - One with Smoke, One with Sperm, One with Alcohol, and One with Soil. Then he left them there for a day: The next day, the Worm in Smoke: Dead One with Sperm: Dead One with Alcohol: Dead One with Soil: Alive "So what did you learn Johnny?" Asked the Teacher. Johnny said. "If I Drink, have Sex, and Smoke I won't get Worms.
A drunk was wondering around the parking lot of a pub, bumping into every car and then rubbing the roofs of the cars. The manager comes out of the pub and stops the guy. "What the hell are you doing? " he asks the drunk. "I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it. " "So how does feeling the roof help you? " He asked the drunk. "Well,"....the drunk replied. "My car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!! "
A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complains, “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach.” The older doctor says, “Well, you’ve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on the amount you’ve been eating and see if that does the trick?” As they left, the younger man said, “You didn’t even examine that woman? How’d you come to the diagnosis so quickly?” “I didn’t have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the bin. That was what probably was making her sick.” The younger doctor said, “Pretty clever. If you don’t mind, I think I’ll try that at the next house.” Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn’t have the energy she once did and said, “I’m feeling terribly run down lately.” “You’ve probably been doing too much for the church,” the younger doctor told her. “Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.” As they left, the elder doctor said, “I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is most certainly correct, she’s very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?” “I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and, when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the priest under the bed
A major International company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the world. In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job. The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name? After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers. The first from Canada, says "My answer is, there IS no answer." The second, from New Zealand, says My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given." The third one from Australia says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer."
One winter morning while listening to the radio, Bob and his wife hear the announcer say, “We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.” Bob’s wife goes out and moves her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.” Bob’s wife goes out and moves her car again. The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park…” then the electric power goes out. Bob’s wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, “Honey, I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?” With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob says, “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time?”
Why did the British wear red coats in battle? During the royal wedding, the millions around the world saw that Prince William chose to wear a uniform that included the famous British "red coat." Many people have asked, "Why did the British wear red coats in battle?" A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured a British Colonel. They took him to their headquarters, and the French General began to question him. Finally, as an afterthought, the French General asked, "Why do you British officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?" In his casual, matter-of-fact, way, the officer informed the General that the reason British officers wear red coats is so that if they are wounded, the blood won't show, and the men they are leading won't panic. And that is why, from that day forward, all French Army officers wear brown trousers!
Paddy was looking in the jeweller's shop window when an elephant came along, headbutted the window and hoovered up all the watches and jewellery with his trunk. Then he trundled off. Next, the cops arrive. "What exactly happened?" the cop asked. Paddy says, "It was an elephant. He headbutted the window and sucked everything up with his trunk." "Hmm" said the cop. "Was it African or Asian?" "It was a fookin elephant!" says Paddy. "Yes, but did it have big ears or small ears?" "Aw, couldn't tell ye" says Paddy. "He was wearing a balaclava".
A nursery school teacher says to her class: "Who can use the word definitely in a sentence?" First little girl says: "The sky is definitely blue." Teacher says: "Sorry,Amy but the sky can be grey,or orange." The second little girl says: "Trees are definitely green." "Sorry,but in the autumn trees are brown," says the teacher. Little Johnny from the back off the class stands up and asks: "Does a fart have lumps?" The teacher looks horrified and says: "Johnny! of course not!!!" "Ok then." says Johnny: " I definitely s**t my pants."
Passing an office building late one night, a blonde saw a sign that said, "Press bell for night watchman." She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs. The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, and then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door. "Well," he snarled at the blonde, "what do you want?" "I just want to know why you can't ring the bell for yourself?"
Two tramps meet up in the countryside, one complains how hungry he is. His fellow tramp tells him of a successful way he found to get a decent meal. "Find yourself a cowpat, then knock on a door, ask the occupant "Please could you heat this up for me as i`m starving hungry." Having found a cowpat, the hungry tramp knocks on the door of a farm and asks the farmer "could he please heat this up for him as he was starving hungry". The farmer says "no need for that, nip round to the field in the back and see if you can find yourself a nice warm fresh one".
Now I have to shag my mistresses by their name alphabetically. Well I presume that's what 'Get your affairs in order' means?
Paddy had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet his wife had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what ? 'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. 'I'm beginning to think you're fkin bad luck..
Blonde Cookbook MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls. TUESDAY: Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper. WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any. THURSDAY: Today Tom asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden. FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left. SATURDAY: Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy).For some reason Tom keeps counting to ten. SUNDAY: Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment. GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with chocolate Moose.