PEEING ON MY FLOWERS IT HURTS JUST TO READ THIS!!! A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag." "Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer." "Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!' "Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?" "Not everybody pays."
My instructor for an online physics course I'm taking for my Masters just told me off and said I'm not taking it seriously. Apparently "My wife" is not an appropriate answer for an example of Critical Mass.
A Cheeseburger Order A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $100.00 Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers. The attractive bartender inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?" "I was wondering," whispers the old biker, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes," she purrs, "I am." The old biker replies, "Well, please first wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."
Guys, if you're trying to meet a cool woman, look for a gal out walking her dog. She's active, clearly has great taste in animals AND she's already prepared to pick up s**t off the street - this is your chance:
I was talking to another coworker by the water cooler one day. I said, "A mate of mine tried to make a new kind of car. He took the engine from a Ford, the transmission from a Jaguar, the tyres from a Mazda, and the exhaust system from a Renault..." The other coworker replied, "Really? What did he get..?" "Ten years..!" I replied
My ex said "you remind me of the sea", I asked if it was because I am deep stormy and tempestuous. She said "no, you make me sick "
I was sitting at the bus stop this morning when this midget girl took a seat next to me and started telling me the latest celebrity gossip and some interesting facts I thought to myself, "this must be the little bird everyone gets their information from...."
My wife said to me: “You just can’t see the forest through the trees, can you?” “You got that right” I replied, handing her the razor, “I think it’s time you shaved it.”
Mick is driving along the road and spots Paddy walking along. He stops and winds down the window, “Paddy, would you like a lift?" “No thanks, Mick. No need ..... I live in a bungalow.”
I remember the teacher said to me "The essay you wrote about your dog is word for word the same as your brothers"? "Of course it is" i said. "Its the same dog"
Pranking the kids..... Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me, again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time. "Like sitting around the pool, drinking wine isn't a good thing?" I asked. Talking about my “doing something useful” seems to be her favorite topic of conversation. She is "only thinking of me," she said, and suggested, I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the fellas. So, I did and when I got home, decided to play a prank on her. I sent her an e-mail saying that I had joined the Senior Parachute Club. She replied, "Are you nuts? You're 86-years-old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I told her that I even had a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her. Immediately, she telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club." "Oh man, am I in trouble," I said, "I signed up for five jumps a week!" The line went dead. Life as a Senior Citizen isn't getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.
Paddy walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?" She answers, "I'm moving to Scotland. I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free." Later that night, on her way out, his wife walks into the bedroom and sees Paddy packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too, I want to see how you live on £800 a year".
Farmer Jack once lived on a quiet rural highway, but as time went by, the traffic slowly built up and eventually got so heavy and so fast that his free range chickens were being run over, at a rate of three to six a week. So Farmer Jack called the local police station to complain, "You've got to do something about all these people driving so fast and killing all my chickens," he said to the local police officer. "What do you want me to do?" asked the policeman. "I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!" So the next day the policeman had the council erect a sign that said: SCHOOL CROSSING Three days later Farmer Jack called the policeman and said, "You've still got to do something about these drivers. The school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster!" So again, they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY That really sped them up. So Farmer Jack called and said, "Your signs are no good. Can I put up my own sign?" In order to get Farmer Jack off his back the policeman said, "Sure. Put up your own sign." The phone calls to the Police Station stopped, but curiosity got the better of the officer, so he called Farmer Jack, "How is the problem with the speeding drivers, Did you put up your sign?" "Oh, I sure did and not one chicken has been killed." The policeman was really curious and thought he'd better go out and take a look at the sign. He also thought the sign may be something the police could use elsewhere to slow drivers down. So he drove out to Farmer Jack's house. His jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign . . . . NUDIST COLONY Slow down and watch for chicks !!
A first grade teacher, Mrs Brooks was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?" Johnny answered, "I am too smart for the first Grade. My sister is in the third grade and I am smarter than she is! I think I should be in third grade too." Mrs Brooks had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Mrs Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. She agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Johnny: "9." Principal: "What is 6 x 6 ?" Johnny: "36." And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grade should know. The principal looks at Mrs Brooks and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the third grade." Mrs Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him, some questions?" The principal and Johnny both agree. Mrs Brooks: "What does a cow have four of that I have only 2 of? Johnny, after a moment "Legs." Mrs Brooks: What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" Johnny: "Pockets." Mrs Brooks: "What starts with C and ends with T, is hairy, oval and delicious and contains a whitish liquid?" Johnny: "Coconut." Mrs Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink and comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny takes charge..... Johnny: "Bubblegum." Mrs Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on 3 legs?" The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer..... Johnny: "Shake hands." Mrs Brooks: "Now I will ask some ' Who am I' questions, okay?" Mrs Brooks: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do." Johnny: "Tent." Mrs Brooks: "A finger goes inside me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first." The principal was looking restless and a bit tense. Johnny: "Wedding Ring." Mrs Brooks: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver?" Johnny; "Arrow." Mrs Brooks: "What word starts with F and ends in K and means a lot of heat and excitement?" Johnny: "Fire truck." The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "SendJohnny to University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"
I went into a Chinese takeaway last night. The owner of the shop said, "What do you do for a riving?" I said, "What do I do for a living? I'm a bit of a comedian." So the Chinese chap says, "Go on then, change colour." I said, "No! I'm not a chameleon, I'm a comedian." So then he says, "Tell me a joke, make me raff." I said, "You want me to tell you a joke and make you laugh?" Just then his wok caught fire, so I said, "Wok! Wok!" And he said, "Who der?"
Doctor Dave Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go.." But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, whispering: "Dave you're a vet."
After Brian proposed to Jill, his father took him to one side. “Son, when I first got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my pants. I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that day, son, we have never had a single problem." Brian took his dad’s advice and did the same thing to his wife on his wedding night. Then, Jill took off her panties and gave them to Brian. “Try these on,” she said. Brian went along with it and tried them on, but they were far too small. “What’s the point of this? I can’t get into your panties,” said Brian. “Exactly,” Jill replied, “and if you don’t change your attitude, you never will!”
A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hr & then she hung up. "Wow! Said her Dad". That was short, u usually talk for 2 hrs. What happened?. "Wrong number", the girl replied!