I was visiting a mate when I noticed that in the window of his neighbour, there were 2 blokes standing in the window. I asked my mate what the go was and he replied, "They're just my neighbours Kurt and Rod...!"
There wasn't this much fuss when Pfizer marketed Viagra was there? Although a lot of women took it very hard.
A Canuck Joke Prime Minister Justin Trudeau finally breaks down and visits a remote northern reserve. The Prime Minister asks the chief if there was anything the people need. "Well," says the chief, "We have three very important needs. First, we have a medical clinic, but no doctor." Trudeau whips out his phone, dials a number, talks to somebody for two minutes and then hangs up. "I've pulled some strings. Your doctor will arrive in a few days. "The second problem is that we have no way to get clean water. The local mining operation has poisoned the water our people have been drinking for thousands of years. We've been flying bottled water in, and it's terribly expensive." Once again, Trudeau dials a number, yells into the phone for a few minutes, and then hangs up. "The mine has been shut down, and the owner is being billed for setting up a purification plant for your people. Now what was that third problem?" "We have no cellphone reception up here," the chief says.
A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled, "I have a 45 calibre colt 1911 with a 7 round magazine plus one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife". A voice from the back of the room called out, "You'll need more ammo"
Have you noticed that most of the cleaning products are either Mr Sheen, Mr Muscle etc.. ..and yet women complain Men don't do any cleaning around the house
Two 90 year old men, Micky and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Micky visits him every day. One day Micky says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Sundays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there." Joe looks up at Micky from his death bed and says: "Micky, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you." Shortly after that, Joe passes on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Micky is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Micky... Micky..." "Who is it?" Asks Micky sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Micky It's me, Joe..." "You're not Joe. Joe just died." "I'm telling you, it's me, Joe." insists the voice. "Joe! Where are you?" "In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news." "'Tell me the good news first," says Micky. "The good news," Joe says, "is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired." "'That's fantastic," says Micky. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what could possibly be the bad news? " "You're in the team for Sunday “
A bus load of Swedish tourists were travelling through the Australian outback when the bus broke down....... The driver grabbed his tool kit, opened the bonnet and began tinkering with the engine....... He had all sorts of tools, and was testing every component..... The prettiest of the tourists was 22 year old Ingrid who claimed to be an apprentice motor mechanic from Stockholm....... " Do you want a Screwdriver " " We might as well Ingrid, the bus is fukked and we are going nowhere!!
The Accident. A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it." The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1,000 an inch." The man perks up. So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision." The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?" "Yes I have," says the man. "And has she helped you make a decision?" "Yes," says the man. "What is your decision?" asks the doctor. "We're getting granite counter tops."
The Day After His Wife Disappeared In A Kayaking Accident The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay Of Fundy, Nova Scotia , a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties. "We know it's late, sir, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the Mounties. "Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband shouted. The Mounties looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.. Which do you want to hear first?" Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said "Give me the bad news first." The second Mountie said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay." "Oh my God!" exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?" The Mountie continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 6 twenty-five pound snow crabs and 12 good-size lobsters clinging to her." Stunned, the husband demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news???" The Mountie answered, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
So as I was sitting on the sofa my missus sweetly whispered. "The best part about all this is that I get to spend more time with you "...As I looked over lovingly I realised she was talking to the dog.