A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead. There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
Recently, when I went to a McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets. I was checking out at the local Wal~Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looked it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code, she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her, "I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today." She said, "Okay," and I paid her for the things and left. Several years ago, we had an intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use paper from the photocopier", the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies. I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk." A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine. The mother says, "I just gave him some ant killer." Dispatcher: "Rush him in to the emergency room, now!"
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee." "Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour." The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day." The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?" "This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. “Amazing,” he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. But looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a State Trooper behind him; blue and red lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this,” and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, “Sir, my shift ends in 15 minutes, plus today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.” The old gentleman paused then said, “Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.” “Have a good day, sir;” replied the trooper.
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play ‘Here’s a copy of the service,’ he said impatiently. ‘But, you’ll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.’ During the service, the minister paused and said, ‘Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up’. At that moment, the substitute organist played ‘The Star Spangled Banner.’ And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
Brian invited his mother over for dinner.. During the course of the meal, Brian’s mother couldn’t help but notice how beautiful Brian’s roommate, Jennifer was, Brian’s Mom had long been suspicious of the platonic relationship between Brian and Jennifer. This had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, Brian volunteered, ‘I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.’ About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, ‘Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?’ Brian said, ‘Well, I doubt it, but I’ll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote: __________________________________________________________ Dear Mom, I’m not saying that you ‘did’ take the gravy ladle from the house, I’m not saying that you ‘did not’ take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Brian __________________________________________________________ Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read: ____________________________________________________ Dear Son, I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Jennifer, I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom LESSON OF THE DAY – NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER
SENIORS TEXTING CODE ... ATD - At The Doctors ... BFF - Best Friend Fell ... BTW - Bring the Wheelchair ... BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth ... FWIW - Forgot Where I Was ... GGPBL - Gotta Go Pacemaker Battery Low ... IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On ... LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out ... OMMR - On My Massage Recliner ... OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas ... ROFLACGU - Rolling On Floor Laughing And Can't Get Up
Levels of stress: Levels of stress: You pick up a hitchhiker, a beautiful girl. Suddenly she faints inside your car and you take her to hospital. Now that's stressful. At the hospital , they say she is pregnant & congratulate you that you are going to be a father. You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are. This is getting very stressful So then...... you request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father.After the tests are completed, the doctor says that you are infertile, and probably have been since birth. You are extremely stressed but relieved. On your way back home, you think about your 3 kids at home. NOW THAT'S STRESS!!
An elderly gentleman went to see his doctor and asked for a prescription of Viagra. The doctor said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?" The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces." The doctor said, "That won't do you any good." The elderly gentleman said, "That's all right. I don't need them for sex anymore as I am over 90 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."
Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy, of course, thought he did. Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behavior over the last year and write a letter to God and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter. LETTER 1: Dear God: I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Leroy Leroy knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over. LETTER 2: Dear God: This is your friend Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you, Leroy Leroy knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again. LETTER 3: Dear God: I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday. Leroy Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either, so he wrote another letter. LETTER 4: Dear God: I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a red bike for my birthday. Thank you, Leroy Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. By now, Leroy was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church. Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked because Leroy looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said. Leroy walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Leroy began to write his letter to God. LETTER 5: I GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Two rednecks decided that they weren’t going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first went in to see the counselor, who recommended him to take history or logical thinking class. “What’s logical thinking?” the first redneck asked. The professor answered, “Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?” “I sure do.” “Then I can assume, using logical thinking, that you have a yard,” replied the professor. “That’s real good!” said the redneck. The professor continued, “Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house.” Impressed, the redneck said, “Amazing!” “And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife.” “That’s Betty Mae! This is incredible!” The redneck was catching on. “Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual,” said the professor. “You’re absolutely right! Why that’s the most fascinating thing I ever heard! I can’t wait to take that logical thinking class!” The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting. “So what class are ya taking’?” asked the friend. “logical thinking class!” replied the first redneck. “What the hell is logical thinking?” asked his friend. “Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?” asked the first redneck. “No,” his friend replied. “You’re gay, ain’t ya?”
A man is out walking in New York city when he sees a little girl being chased by a fierce dog. He fights off the dog by hitting the dog’s head with a stick and saves the girl’s life. The girl’s mother rushes over to him: “Thank you so much for saving my little girl. You are a true hero. Tomorrow all the newspapers will have headlines about ‘Brave New Yorker Saves the Life of Young Girl’” “But I’m not a New Yorker,” the man says. “Oh, then it will say in all the newspapers Brave American Saves Life of Young Girl,” says the mother. “But I’m not an American neither,” the man says. “So, what are you then?” asks the mother. “I’m an Iranian,” the man replied politely. The next day he sees the newspaper headlines: “Islamic Extremist Kills American Dog.”
This one is for Dareck A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says: “I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!” The Madam is astonished. “But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal.” The trucker replies: “Listen darlin’, I’m not horny – I’m just homesick.”
A crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to again take the step, only to discover that she couldn’t. So, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. After that, much to her embarrassment she still could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more. About this time, a large guy who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went furious and turned to the man and screeched, “How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!” The guy smiled and drawled, “Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind’a figured we were friends.”
A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone got drunk and the bride and groom's families had a storming row and started wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other, the Police were called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings silence with the use of his hammer, shouting, "Silence in Court!" The court room goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and say's. "Judge... I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened." The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the Bride. The Judge says," OK". "Well," said Paddy, "after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song...when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates." The Judge instantly responded, "God... that must have hurt!" Paddy replies; "HURT!!... he broke three of my bloody fingers"
A guy opens a bar, but he has no name for it. One day he sees a girl named Suzy and he thinks she has nice legs. So he names the bar "Suzy's Legs". The next day, before opening hours, 3 guys are sitting outside of the bar. A cop walks up to them and says "What are you doing?" And one guy turns and says "We're waiting for Suzy's Legs to open so we can go in and get a bite to eat."
[FONT="]A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a triple martini. The bartender says "What a coincidence, the only other person at the bar is that beautiful woman at the other end. She is also drinking triple martinis." After a few sips of his drink, the man walks up to the woman and says "Isn't it a coincidence that we are both having the same drink." She replies "Yes! I am here because I am celebrating. After 20 years of trying I am finally pregnant!" "What a coincidence," the man replied, "I am also celebrating. After years of experimenting, I have invented a multicolored chicken." At this, the woman asked "How did you ever accomplish that!?" "I had to try a lot of different cocks," he said. The woman replied "What a coincidence!!!" [/FONT]