I saw a man with a trolley full of horseshoes, 4- leaf clovers and rabbits' feet earlier, trying to get it up a hill. I thought, "He's pushing his luck!!..
Age & quick thinking An elderly man in Queensland owned a large property for several years. He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees. The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a 10 litre bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing. As he came closer he saw it was 4 young women skinny-dipping in his dam. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave.' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile.' Moral: Old men may walk slowly, but they can still think fast.
I’ve Had It All! I talked with a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way. He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had HDTV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. "I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage.” I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?” "Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no.... I was paroled."
Reading the Millionaire's Last Will A lawyer meets with the family of a recently deceased millionaire for the reading of the will. 'To my loving wife, Rose, who always stood by me, I leave the house and 2 million,' the attorney reads. 'To my darling daughter, Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the yacht, the business and 1 million.' 'And finally,' the lawyer concludes, 'to my cousin, Dan, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would never mention him in my will.' 'Well, you were wrong. Hi Dan!'
A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.' The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands. The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me. The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old. The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.....
Thought I’d try a new gadget out. It’s a golf ball that rolls itself into the hole if it gets within six inches of it. I thought it was a good idea until I put one in my back pocket!
As a singer I sing at many funerals & I was recently asked by a funeral director to play & sing at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery out in the country. As I was not familiar with the area, I got lost. I finally arrived an hour late and saw that the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I sang like I’ve never played before for this homeless man. As I sang & played “Amazing Grace”, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my keyboard and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I’ve never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.” Apparently, I’m still lost…
A group of men & women waiting to enter Heaven, God appeared and said, "I want you to make two lines: One line for the men who were true heads of their own household "The other line for the men who were dominated by their women." "I want all the women to report to St. Peter." Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long and in the line of men who truly were heads of their own household, there was only one man. God said to the long line, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves; I created you to be the head of your household! You have all been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him." God then turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?" The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."!!
I've sure gotten old! ...I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
Tommy Cooper was an hour late for a Theatre performance he was giving and said to the angry Theatre Manager, I was on time but then came across sign at the escalator saying "Dogs must be carried". The Theatre Manager said "And?" To which Tommy replied "It took me ages to find a dog!"
I just rang alcohol anonymous.....I Told them I was worried I didn't have enough beer in the fridge. They're quite rude, aren't they...?
Little Johnny is sitting in front of the TV watching a program about NASA. “I wish I could be shot into space,” he said. “You would have been if your father had done what he was told” replies his mother!
Enormous success NASA has just achieved, landing a spacecraft on Mars. Only disappointment was finding it was not covered in chocolate.
Fred just got a new puppy. He invited his friend Tommy to see it Fred : They say dog is man's best friend. Tommy : I don't believe that. Fred : Why? Tommy : your father is always neutering them. Fred : But this one is a female! Tommy : Then it will be spay time.