An Australian dies and goes to Hell. The Devil gives him a choice: either be reborn as a New Zealander, or spend the rest of eternity boiling in oil. The Aussie thinks for a moment, and then asks, "How hot's the oil?"
One Sunday morning, my wife and I were having a nice quiet breakfast when I suddenly said to her, " When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff immediately.". " Now why would you want me to do that my dear," she replied. "Well, I figured a woman as fine as yourself would remarry one day, and I'd hate some other asshole using some of my stuff." She looked at me intently and said, "What makes you think I'd marry another asshole.?
A fire fighter is working on an engine outside the station, when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with a tiny ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The boy is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks," says the little boy. As the fire fighter looks a little closer, he notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and also to the cat's testicles. "Little partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck but if I were you, I'd tie that rope around the cat's collar. I think you would go faster." The little boy replies, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren!
The teacher was telling the kids about the Birds and the Bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest in Heaven. Little Johnny at the back of the class put his hand up and asks the teacher, "Are you sure about the Stork bit, Miss..? "Cos I think you're getting your birds mixed up 'cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a…. “ Shag in Scarborough!!
A guy sits in a taxi and sees his wife entering a hotel with another man, and tells the driver, "Do you want to earn $5000 right away?" The driver excitedly said, "What do I have to do?" "Bring my wife by the hair out of that hotel, here's a picture of her." After a while the driver is seen dragging a woman by the hair, while kicking and beating her and puts her in the Taxi. And the husband says to him, "This is not my wife." The driver replied, "Nooooo, this is mine, hold her for me. I'm going for yours!"
A woman visits a fortuneteller who tells her, "Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year." Visibly shaken, the woman takes a few deep breaths, steadies her voice and asks, "Will I be acquitted?"
Frozen Crabs And The Blonde ! A lawyer boards a New York bound airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs. He then asks the blonde flight attendant to take good care of them for him. She takes the box and promises to put it in the crew's refrigerator freezer. He rudely advises her that he is holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he is a lawyer. He also threatens her on what will happen if she lets them thaw out. Shortly before landing in New York, the blonde flight attendant uses the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?" Not one hand goes up. So she takes the delicious crabs home and eats them. There are two lessons to be learned here: 1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are. 2. Blondes aren't as dumb as others think they are.
I crashed my car this morning on the motorway and had to leave it on the hard shoulder. I phoned up my insurance company and the woman on the phone asked, "Are you in the AA?" I said, "No, but I am concerned I've been drinking too much."
One crisp winter morning in Sweden, a cute little girl named Greta woke up to a perfect world, one where there were no petroleum products ruining the earth. She tossed aside her cotton sheet and wool blanket and stepped out onto a dirt floor covered with willow bark that had been pulverized with rocks. “What’s this?” she asked. “Pulverized willow bark,” replied her fairy godmother. “What happened to the carpet?” she asked. “The carpet was nylon, which is made from butadiene and hydrogen cyanide, both made from petroleum,” came the response. Greta smiled, acknowledging that adjustments are necessary to save the planet, and moved to the sink to brush her teeth where instead of a toothbrush, she found a willow, mangled on one end to expose wood fibre bristles. “Your old toothbrush?” noted her godmother, “Also nylon.” “Where’s the water?” asked Greta. “Down the road in the canal,” replied her godmother, ‘Just make sure you avoid water with cholera in it” “Why’s there no running water?” Greta asked, becoming a little peevish. “Well,” said her godmother, who happened to teach engineering at MIT, “Where do we begin?” There followed a long monologue about how sink valves need elastomer seats and how copper pipes contain copper, which has to be mined and how it’s impossible to make all-electric earth-moving equipment with no gear lubrication or tires and how ore has to be smelted to a make metal, and that’s tough to do with only electricity as a source of heat, and even if you use only electricity, the wires need insulation, which is petroleum-based, and though most of Sweden’s energy is produced in an environmentally friendly way because of hydro and nuclear, if you do a mass and energy balance around the whole system, you still need lots of petroleum products like lubricants and nylon and rubber for tires and asphalt for filling potholes and wax and iPhone plastic and elastic to hold your underwear up while operating a copper smelting furnace and . . . “What’s for breakfast?” interjected Greta, whose head was hurting. "Fresh, range-fed chicken eggs,” replied her godmother. “Raw.” “How so, raw?” inquired Greta. “Well, . . .” And once again, Greta was told about the need for petroleum products like transformer oil and scores of petroleum products essential for producing metals for frying pans and in the end was educated about how you can’t have a petroleum-free world and then cook eggs. Unless you rip your front fence up and start a fire and carefully cook your egg in an orange peel like you do in Boy Scouts. Not that you can find oranges in Sweden anymore. “But I want poached eggs like my Aunt Tilda makes,” lamented Greta. “Tilda died this morning,” the godmother explained. “Bacterial pneumonia.” “What?!” interjected Greta. “No one dies of bacterial pneumonia! We have penicillin.” “Not anymore,” explained godmother “The production of penicillin requires chemical extraction using isobutyl acetate, which, if you know your organic chemistry, is petroleum-based. Lots of people are dying, which is problematic because there’s not any easy way of disposing of the bodies since backhoes need hydraulic oil and crematoriums can’t really burn many bodies using as fuel Swedish fences and furniture, which are rapidly disappearing - being used on the black market for roasting eggs and staying warm.” This represents only a fraction of Greta’s day, a day without microphones to exclaim into and a day without much food, and a day without carbon-fibre boats to sail in, but a day that will save the planet. Tune in tomorrow when Greta needs a root canal and learns how Novocain is synthesized.
Teacher : Who is the President of Iraq ? Me : I don't know Miss Teacher : You need to focus more on your studies. Me : Please Miss, can I ask a question ? Teacher : Yes. Me : Do U know Angela ? Teacher : No, why ? Me : You need to focus more on your husband...!
Is it any wonder with names like Salmond and Sturgeon that people in Scotland think there is something fishy going on?
Paddy phoned his boss's mobile. "I'm on the train heading to the south coast now." "What..?" his boss replied, sounding a bit annoyed. "It's five o'clock in the bloody morning, what are you doing on a train?" "You tell me," Paddy replied. "You're the one who told me to be in Brighton early this morning.....
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Switzerland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. “These," she explained, "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.” She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?" A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!"
A group of Irish lads are out in Spain on holidays.. On one of their nights out they encountered a young man from Dublin. He was so drunk that he could hardly stand. The lads asked him his name and he said; "Phillip Maguire." The lads told him; " It's not safe being here on your own. We are going to look after you! " So for the rest of the holiday the lads looked after Phillip. He was filled with booze day in and day out. Philip tried to explain something to them but the lads just said; " Dont you worry pal, you are in good hands! We are going to look after and make sure that you have a great holiday." When the holiday was over the lads took Phillip back with them. "Which part of Dublin are you from?" They asked him. "Ballyfermot! "He muttered. So they headed to Ballyfermot and went to the address that Phillip had given them. When they arrived one of the lads went to check it it was the correct address. He went up to the door and rang the bell. A woman answered; " Hello, can I help you?" "Yes! " The lads answered; "I was wondering is this the home of Philip Maguire?" " Why yes it is. But he's not here. He is over in Spain on his honeymoon...!"
My son is three-years-old and I took him shopping. When we got home, he had a chocolate bar in his pocket. Now, I didn"t buy it and he certainly didn"t buy it, so I marched him straight back to the shopping centre - and took him to the jewellers....
EVER WONDER ...? Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? Why is the person who invests all your money called a broker? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why do they sterilise the needle for lethal injections? Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
An American walks into an Aussie pub and says, "This place looks like the ass end of the world." "Just passing through, are you?" replies the bartender.
The wife just challenged me to an online high-pitched sound hearing test. "The dogs are going mental but how can you still hear something?" She asked. "I'm a married man," I replied, " we're used to whiny, drawn-out, unpleasant screeching noises."