All these months of doom and gloom headlines about the pandemic, wishing for that one positive headline. Something to cheer your heart and make all the isolation, queues, sanitising etc.... worthwhile and give the nation something to celebrate. Britain’s got talent cancelled until 2022. !.... That will do nicely.
O’Toole applied for a forklift job at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin. A Norwegian applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager. When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20. The manager went to O’Toole and said: "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the Norwegian the job." And why would you be doing that? replied O'Toole, "We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job?" The manager responded, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong." "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?" That's simple. On question number 7 the Norwegian wrote down - 'I don't know.' You wrote - 'Neither do I
Brian from accounts passed me this morning as I was going to work, he must have been doing at least 100mph. Mind you, he did jump from the thirty-second floor!!
Two friends enter a pub, ordered drinks then sat down. They notice a man lying on the floor at the foot of the bar. Every few minutes he would reach up to the counter, heave himself up and order another drink. Finally he was obviously incapable of going anywhere, the two friends enquired as to where he lived. Given his home address, they lifted him up by his armpits. On arrival they ring the bell and a women opens the door. What happened to his wheelchair she asked.
Two men, one with a hump on his back, the other with a club foot. Walking home after a night out together, hump back exclaimed he was knackered and was going to take a short cut through the woods. His friend with the club foot warned him that it was rumoured that an evil witch lived there. Walking through the wood suddenly he started shaking as he heard her cackle, I am the wicked witch. Have mercy on a poor man with a hump on his back he replied. She waved her wand and the hump vanished. The following day the two men met, club foot on hearing what happened decided to take a walk through the wood that night. Sure enough once in the wood he was confronted by the witch, he started shaking and begged the witch to have mercy on a poor man with a club foot. Oh you poor man replied the witch, here is a hump to go with it.
A farmer had a three legged pig and his neighbor asked him why the pig had only three legs. "Well, I'll tell you" the farmer replied. "One day I was plowing my field and the tractor turned over and pinned me underneath. That pig ran for help. He saved my life". "Oh, that's how he lost his leg?" the neighbour drawled. "No. One night my wife and I were sound asleep and the house caught on fire. That pig woke us up. He saved our lives!" "So that's how he lost his leg", stated the neighbour. "No, that wasn't it" the farmer affirmed. Exasperated, the neighbour demanded "Then how did he lose his leg?" and the farmer replied, "When you have a pig that good, you don't eat him all at once!"
An Italian on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession in 1960. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic." The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that." "There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays." The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven." "Thank you, Father. That is a great load off my mind. I do have one more question." "And what is that?" asked the priest. "Should I tell her the war is over?''
Meghan Markle was visiting a primary school and she visited one of the classes.They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Meghan if she would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the the attention seeking soap star asked the class for an example of a "tragedy". One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy'". " No," said Meghan, "that would be an accident." A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explained Meghan "That's what we would call a great loss." The room went silent. No other children volunteered.Meghan searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?" Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand...In a quiet voice he said: "If the aeroplane carrying you and your husband was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy. "Fantastic!" exclaimed Meghan. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says the boy "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a fucin accident either
hm. this thread is looking more and more like a serious discussion......... please stop with all those worn-out jokes about black wives matter,folks. -thanks in advance.
TEACHER: "Why are you late,Johnny?" JOHNNY: "Because of the sign Miss!." TEACHER: "What sign?" JOHNNY: "The one that says, School Ahead, Go Slow."
Keith Richards once got a tortoise for his birthday: He asked. "How old will it get." They told him. "About 300 years." He said. "Now you see why I'm against it, you get attached to such an animal and then it dies."
My gearbox broke today, can not select reverse gear. I have taken the decision not to have it fixed. Not sure if this is the right decision but there's no going back now.
A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest. "No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward."
Johnny's teacher is giving a lesson on Nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for Breakfast. To add a Spelling Component, she asks the students to also spell their answers. Susan puts up her hand and says she had an Egg, 'E-G-G' 'Very good', says the teacher. Peter says he had Toast, 'T-O-A-S-T? 'Excellent.' Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him: 'I had Bugger All', he says, ' B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L'. The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer. Later when the lesson turns to Geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions. Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada's East Coast. When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the Nutrition Lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question: Johnny, she asks the question 'Where is the Pakistani border?' Johnny replied"The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother. That's why I got Bugger All for Breakfast."
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower . . . was the way it covered it's eyes when it saw me “