I was talking to a fat bird. She said "A lot of guys find plus-size women attractive, what about you? I said "As a matter of fact yes, lots of guys find me attractive too."
A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him." "Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding." "No, mother," the young woman laments. "I bought a frozen turkey loaf and he yelled at me about the price." "Well, that is being miserly," the mother agreed, "Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars." "No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey roll, it was the airplane ticket." "Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?" "Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the back and it said, 'PREPARE FROM A FROZEN STATE,' so I flew to Alaska
What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynocologist ? One looks up the family tree and the other looks up the family bush.
How a man withdraws cash from the ATM: 1) Park the car 2) Go to ATM 3) Insert card 4) Enter PIN 5) Take money 6) Drive away ------------------ How a woman withdraws cash from the ATM: 1) Park the car 2) Check makeup 3) Turn off engine 4) Check makeup 5) Go to ATM 6) Hunt for ATM card in the purse 7) Insert card Hit cancel 9) Hunt in purse for s**t with PIN written on it 10) Insert card 11) Enter PIN 12) Take cash 13) Go to car 14) Check makeup 15) Start car 16) Stop car 17) Run back to ATM 18) Take ATM card 19) Back 2 car 20) Check makeup 21) Start car 22) Check makeup 23) Drive for a mile 24)Release HAND BRAKE
Q: Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? A: The same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
I went into this pet shop & asked the man behind the counter "I'm looking for a dog for my wife"? "Sorry" he said "We don't do swaps"
A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course. As he goes to get it a man in the yard says, "Don't you see the sign? It says, 'Private property - Stay Out!'" The golfer says, "I'm sorry I did not see it. That's my ball over there. May I have it, please?" The man says, "It's in my yard and so it's my ball now." The golfer looks at the man and says, "I think I understand" He then walks back to the golf cart, gets another golf ball, then walks back and throws it into the yard as well. The man says, "What did you do that for?" The golfer replies... "I consider myself a Gentleman, and I believe every prick should have two balls."
After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet. 'What's up with the big brass gong?' one of the guests asked. 'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied. 'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend. 'Yup,' replied the drunk. 'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it. 'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment....... Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!"
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages However, he wrote: 1) It is perfect formula for the child. 2) It provides immunity against several diseases. 3) It is always the right temperature. 4) It is inexpensive. 5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa. 6) It is always available as needed. And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote: 7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
My girlfriend just walked out of the kitchen, looked at me and said, "I'm afraid that you need to get a new dish washer." I said to myself, "That's a strange way to break up with someone."
A bloke walks into his regular pub, sits down at the bar, and says to the bartender, "Eh mate, heard this great blonde joke, wanna hear it?". A woman - very blonde - sitting a couple of stools down from him says, "Excuse me, I'm blonde," she then gestures to the (also blonde) bloke behind her, "my boyfriend's blonde," then points to the bouncer by the door, "the bouncer's blonde," and then waves an arm toward the tables, "and there's probably another half-dozen blondes in the bar. Think about it mister, do you REALLY want to tell that joke"? The bloke thinks about it for a moment, and says, "You're right, I probably shouldn't..." "... I don't wanna have to explain it ten times."
An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old time's sake. He hires a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's going at it as best as he can for a guy his age when he asks, "How am I doing?" The prostitute replies, "Well, sailor, you're doing about three knots." "Three knots?" he replies, "What's that supposed to mean?" She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back."
Homeless Man... I talked with a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way. He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had HDTV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. "I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage.” I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?” "Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no.... I was paroled."
I Think It’s Funny A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter St. Peter asks the first girl, “Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?” She giggles and shyly replies, “Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.” St. Peter says, “OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate.” St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, “Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?” The girl is a little reluctant but replies, “Well once I fondled and stroked one.” St. Peter says, “OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate.” All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, “Lisa! What seems to be the rush?” The girl replies, “If I’m going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her butt in it.”