A queue waiting for a job on a building site. The foreman at the desk shouts 'Next!' A man steps forwards. 'Name!' asks the foreman. 'Marks N Spencer' says the man. 'I've got no time for clowns' says the foreman. '. Next!' The next in line steps forward. 'Name!' again asks the foreman. 'W H Smith' says the man. 'I told you, no clowns! Next!' Next in the queue steps forwards. 'Name!' 'T J Hughes!' 'I haven't got time for all this nonsense!! Next!!!' Next man steps forwards. 'Name!' 'Ken' says the man. 'Ah, that's better' says the foreman. 'Someone serious at last. What's your surname?' And the man says 'Tuckyfriedchicken!'
My wife was shopping in the ladies' petite section and she found everything that fit her ! No surprise really, we were on holiday in an American Wal-Mart.
A man walks into the Election office, says to the receptionist: "I would like to put my name in the hat for the forthcoming elections to be an Independent candidate. The receptionist replied, "Certainly sir Please fill out this form.'' He was filling the form until he came to the question, ''Are you circumcised?'' So he asked the receptionist "Is that question necessary?" She replied, "If you are circumcised you are not eligible". He asked what difference it would make if he was circumcised? She replied, "To become a politician, you have to be a complete prick"
Moshe Wakes Up In The Hospital Bandaged From Head To Foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay. You’ll walk again and everything; however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it." Moshe groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch." Moshe perks up. So, the doctor says, "You and your wife must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision." Moshe agrees to talk it over with his wife Zelda. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?" "Yes, I have," says the man. "And has she helped you make a decision?" "Yes," says the man. "What is your decision?" asks the doctor. "We're getting granite countertops."
Pat and Mick were crossing the bog on their way home from cutting turf, when they found three hand grenades on the heather. "Careful there Mick," says pat. We will bring them to the Guards and let them look after them. Mind how you handle them or they could explode." Mick asks, "Supposing one of them exploded, what would we do?" "Arrah ", says pat, "We'll tell them we only found two."
As I got out on the 11th floor, the lift operator said "Have a good day, son" "Don't call me son. You are not my dad", I replied sarcastically As the doors closed, he looked me in the eye and said "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?
Q: How do you know when you're watching too many "naughty" movies? A: When you start recognizing the men, too.
Boris johnson - “Some parts of Britain there are 3 generations of families where nobody has ever worked.. He's either referring to Buckingham Palace or Liverpool...!
The Cat A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park... As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. When he reached his driveway, there was the cat. He kept taking the cat further and further but the cat would always beat him home. One day he decided to drive hundreds of miles away. He drove out of town, through the desert and into the next state until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home. He let the cat out and headed back. Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes," the wife answers. "Why do you ask?" "Put him on the phone," the man replies. "I'm lost and need directions."
Montana must have the only truly humane mountains in the world. I was driving thru a mountain pass and they had a sign that said pass with care. I was astounded I had no idea mountain passes could have feelings!
There was a ruckus going on down the street. One of the rioters threw a brick through our kitchen window and hit my wife on the head, knocking her out. I ran outside and chased the bastard down. I dragged him back to the house and pointed to my bloodied wife in a heap on the floor. I pulled out a knife and said, "It's time to face the consequences of your actions." Shaking, he said, "What are you going to do?" "Me?" I replied, handing him the knife. "I'm not going to do anything. YOU'RE going to finish making my sandwich."
Red Tomatoes A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentlemen,"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much." Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best. One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?" No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."
Paddy and English George were in a pub. George says to Paddy, "if you had to choose between money and knowledge, what would you pick". Paddy said money. George laughed and said "you Irish, I would have picked knowledge". Paddy calmly replied, "good choice George, I lacked money, but you being English you lacked knowledge.
Cabbie's Naughty Request A cab driver picked up a nun. She got into the cab, and noticed that the VERY handsome cab driver wouldn’t stop staring at her. She asked him why he was staring. He replied: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.” She answered, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.” “Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.” “Well, let’s see what we can do about that: No. 1, you have to be single, and No. 2, you must be Catholic,” she responded. The cab driver, very excited, said, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!” “OK,” the nun said. “Pull into the next alley.” The nun fulfilled his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they got back on the road, the cab driver started crying. “My dear child,” said the nun, “Why are you crying?” “Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess; I’m married and I’m Jewish.” The nun said, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a costume party.”
A giant gorilla gatecrashed the world table tennis championship in China last night... The local media reported the event by saying .... There was a King Kong ding dong at the Hong Kong ping pong!!
Feminine Words & Expressions These are words or expressions that have unique meaning when said by women. Fine This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. This means your facts may be right but you are still wrong. Five Minutes If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. Nothing This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine. Go Ahead This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It! Loud Sigh This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.) That's Okay This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. Thanks If a woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'.. That will bring on a 'whatever'). Whatever Is a woman's way of saying...Go to Hell... Don't worry about it, I got it Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' for which the woman's response is "nothing". See definition above.