Paddy and Mick have been planning a holiday but Covid has been stifling their plans. Paddy says he’ll go see what he can do. He comes back with a box of tampons. Mick asks what the hell are these things? Paddy replies “Well apparently if you use these you can swim, scuba dive, play tennis and golf and you can’t do any of these things right now.”
Paddy asked his girlfriend for a clue as to wot he was getting for his birthday . She winked at him and said it starts with F and ends in UCK . "Oh my god" said Paddy "I'm getting a Firetruck!!
Some guy in the pub said, "I went to see my doctor today. He diagonised me with a disease which will ruin my sexlife forever." "What?" I asked. " gonorrhoea? chlamydia? Aids?" "No," he replied. "I've got arthritis in both hands."
Have tried feeding my budgerigar a certain brand of bird seed. Am somewhat disappointed to find my budgie will not bounce,
BBQ RULES: Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion: (1) The woman buys the food. (2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert. (3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand. (4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman. Here comes the important part: (5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL. (6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery. (7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat Important again: (8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN. (9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table. (10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes And most important of all: (11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts. (12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!!.
Jamaica enters the Vaccine race with their RASTA ZENICA It's not as affective as the others, but after the second dose you don't care a f**k anymore!!
William Shakespeare went to get vaccinated. Nurse: Which arm? Shakespeare: "As you like it." Nurse: Was that painful? Shakespeare: "Much ado about nothing." Nurse: You will have to have a second jab. Shakespeare: "Measure for measure?" Nurse: So, how was the experience? Shakespeare: "A midsummer night's dream!" Nurse: So what do you think of the govt handling of Covid? Shakespeare: "Comedy of Errors."
A Man Is Listening To His Daughter Pray One Night. The daughter says, “God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless Grandma, and goodbye grandpa!” The dad asks her, “Why did you say goodbye grandpa?” She replies, “I don’t know, it just felt right.” The next morning the grandpa sadly dies. The man rubs it off as a coincidence and listens to her pray again that night. She says, “God bless mommy, God bless daddy, and goodbye grandma!” The next morning the grandma dies. The father is astonished at the special power her daughter has and listens once again that night. She says, “God Bless mommy, Goodbye daddy!” All night the father is scared and can’t sleep. He decided that if he stays up until midnight he should be fine. The next morning after the all nighter his wife asks him, “Why do you look so tired?” He replied, “I pulled an all nighter.” She replies, “My morning was terrible too. A few minutes ago, the mailman dropped dead on the front porch.”
An alcoholic wakes up in jail. He asks the first police officer he sees "why am I here?" The officer replies "for drinking" The man replies "great, when do we start?"
I was writing my Autobiography into the wee small hours and fell asleep face down on the page. When I woke up the ink had fused the pages onto my skin and I couldn't get them off. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too... I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her... what does she look like?" The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?' To which the old guy says, "Doesn't matter, let's look for yours."
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son. "Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
I have liver disease caused by years of heavy drinking. My wife said I should go to BUPA, but I did the complete opposite.... I went to APUB !
Arsenal have decided not to participate in the European Super League. They are starting their own breakaway league with just themselves. The bookies currently have them as second favourites to win it!!.
Paddy left very rural Ireland and went to work in London, leaving behind his aged parents, with strict instructions to write home as soon as he was settled in his digs. Weeks passed and then one day a package arrived with a letter. It said “Dear Mam and dad, I arrived safely and quickly settled into my new digs. The landlady is very nice and I felt at home at once because she even had a photo of me in my room which I’m sending ye to see how well I’m doing”. His mother opened up the package and out fell a small hand mirror. His father picked it up and looked into it and said, “I’m worried, sure he’s aged an awful lot since he went to England “. The mother stood behind her husband and looked into the mirror and said, “You’re worried, no wonder he’s aged so much, look at the old biddy he’s feckin shacked up with!”.
Confucius say ... Man who run in Front of car get tired. Man who run behind Car get exhausted. Man with one Chopstick go hungry. Man who eat many Prunes get good run for money. Baseball is wrong ... Man with four balls cannot walk. War does not determine who is right,War determine who is left. Wife who put husband in doghouse Soon find him in cathouse. Man who fight with Wife all day get no piece at night. Man who drive like hell Bound to get there. Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement. Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs. Crowded elevator Smell different to midget.