I just got a wooden motorcycle. It has a wooden frame, wooden handle bars, wooden wheels, and a wooden seat. And guess what? It wooden start.
A Motorcycle Patrolman Was A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated on him and when he came round he was relieved when they told him all had gone to plan and he was going to be fine. But the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. He was worried that something may be wrong but he was still too weak from the surgery to do anything. Eventually, he managed to pull his hospital gown down enough to check what was causing the discomfort. When he looked down at his chest he saw three wide strips of ultra-adhesive tape stuck firmly to him. Written on it in large black letters was the message: “Get well soon… from the nurse you gave the ticket to last week. I’ll be round to remove the tape later.”
Ruth Was At The Family Doctor' Ruth was at the family doctor's for her yearly physical. The physician was an old family friend as well as their physician. After pronouncing her healthy, he asked Ruth about her husband, who hadn't been in for a while. "How's Jim doing?" She replied, "Oh he's fine. But lately he hasn't ... well, let's just say that he hasn't had the wherewithal to do it all." The doctor sighed and said, "Just have Jim come in and see me, I'll write him a prescription for Viagra and he'll be as good as new. Many of my patients use it as they are getting on it years. It really is quite effective." Ruth looked at him and said, "He won't do it. He won't admit to you that he has a problem. He won't even admit to himself that he has a problem." The doctor shook his head. "Pride is a terrible thing. Ruth, I'll tell you what we will do. I'll write the scrip and you go have it filled. In the morning, grind one of them up and slip it in his morning coffee. It will start to work and he will think it is only nature taking its course. Problem solved" Ruth said, "That sounds easy enough. I can do that." The doctor ran into Ruth a couple of weeks later and asked whether their plan had worked. She replied, "Doctor, I am so mad about that I can't see straight!" He looked at her and said, "What happened, did you grind it up like I told you?" She responded, "I ground it up, put it in his morning coffee and pretty soon it must have taken effect. He grabbed me, threw me on the table and rips off my clothes. He then rips off his own clothes and in a moment we're acting like a couple of newlyweds." The doctor then stated, "Well what's the problem? I thought that was what you wanted." She said, "You don't understand, Doc. They've banned us from McDonald's for life!"
Went to a Chinese restaurant and got a fortune cookie that said: "Be not afraid to walk through the door of opportunity" 'So I left without paying!!..
A Salesman's Promise A little old Texas lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. “Good morning,” said the young man, “If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners, straight from California.” “Go away!” said the old lady, “I haven’t got any money to spend on things like that!” and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. “Don’t be too hasty!” he said. “At least wait until you’ve seen my demonstration.” And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. “If this vacuum cleaner doesn’t remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder, cross my heart.” The old lady stepped back and said, “Wait here while I go get a spoon. I hope you’ve got a darn good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.”
George W. Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso have all died. Due to a glitch in the mundane/celestial time-space continuum, all three arrive at the Pearly Gates more or less simultaneously, even though their deaths have taken place decades apart. The first to present himself to Saint Peter is Einstein. Saint Peter questions him. "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths certain people will go to, to sneak into Heaven under false pretenses. Can you prove who you really are?" Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?" Saint Peter complies with a snap of his fingers. The blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his special theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really *are* Einstein! Welcome to heaven!" The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his credentials. Picasso doesn't hesitate. "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go ahead." Picasso erases Einstein's scribbles and proceeds to sketch out a truly stunning mural. Bulls, satyrs, nude women: he captures their essences with but a few strokes of the chalk. Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!" The last to arrive is George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head. "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?" George W. looks bewildered, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?" Saint Peter sighs, "Come on in, George."
Journalist: How does it feel Mr Edison to have failed so many times? Edison: I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
I was at the supermarket and ran into an old friend. I told him that I'm married now and he asked if my wife was out shopping with me. "She is," I said... "Look down that aisle, do you see that absolutely stunning blonde with the firm muscular bum that's looking at the gluten-free yoghurt ?.... .... Well, my wife is that big enormous fat cow lady standing a bit further down!!
Queen Elizabeth and Princess Kate are out motoring through the hillside when the Bentley they're driving breaks down. The driver has to go for help, and while he's gone some scumbags come across the disabled royal couple. "Ain't you the Queen?" She confirms she is. "Where's your tiara?" She tells them she left it at home. " Just my luck! Ain't you the Princess tho?" Kate says, " Yes." "Where's that bloody big Sapphire from your hubby's mum?" She says she left it at home. "BUGGER! I guess we'll just have to take the lovely car then. C'mon now! Out the car! Step lively and keep walking or there'll be hell to pay, you snooty bastards!" They shuffle down the road a bit and the Queen says to Kate, "I know you were wearing your ring! What happened to it?" She replies with a blush, "I hid it... Up there..." pointing to her crotch. The Queen chuckles. Kate says, "But my Queen, I know you were wearing your tiara when we left!" Her Maj confesses that she hid hers too... In the same location. Without a second's hesitation Kate says, "Dammit! If Camilla were here we could've saved the fu**ing Bentley!"
Pet Shop One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, ''How much is the yellow one?'' The assistant says, '' 2000.'' The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. The assistant explains, ''This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.'' ''What about the green one?'' the man asks. The assistant says, ''He costs 5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.'' ''What about the red one?'' the man asks. The assistant says, ''That one's 10,000.'' The man says, ''What does HE do?'' The assistant says, ''I don't know, but the other two call him boss.''
Annual Physical 70-year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, “George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?” George replied, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof the light goes on when I’m done, poof the light goes off.” “Wow!” commented Dr. Smith, “That’s incredible!” A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George’s wife. “Ethel,” he said, “George is doing fine. Physically he’s great. But, I had to call because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and then when he is through poof the light goes off?” Ethel exclaimed, “Oh, my God! He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm and I gave her superglue by mistake. She's still not talking to me!
I helped my neighbor out with some heavy lifting yesterday and she said to me 'I could marry you!' I couldn't believe it, you go out of your way to help and be nice and they threaten to ruin your life in return!!
I used to take the bus home from work, and the bus stop was near the women's prison. One day three fine ladies were waiting for the bus, and of course they asked me for a smoke which I gave them. One of the ladies who was black said "if you weren't white I would do you right now!"
I went to the card shop yesterday and said, "Do you sell bereavement cards?" "Yes we do." replied the assistant. "Good," I said, "could I exchange this 'Get Well Soon' card for one?