I called my doctors surgery this morning. "I need to make an appointment for as soon as possible," I said, "everything in my ear is echoing." "Ok," she replied, "How does tomorrow sound?" I said, "Morrow, orrow, row, ow."
Paddy was walking down the road when he seen Sean O'Riley rowing a boat in the middle of a paddock, he calls out to him and says. "O'REILLY it is Irish People like you that give us Irish a bad name, if I could swim I would come out there and kick your arse."
The Angel of death came to a Pastor and said, "I am here to take your life" The Pastor replied, "But I'm not ready!". The angel of death said, "Well your name is the next on my list". "Okay why don't you take a seat and I will get you something to eat before you take my life ?". "All right " replied the angel. Then Pastor gave him some food with sleeping pills in it, the angel finished eating and fell into a deep sleep. Pastor took the list & removed his name from top of the list and put it at the bottom. When the angel woke up he said to the Pastor. "Because you have been so very nice to me, I will start from the BOTTOM of the list" ... And that my friends is the story of my life!!
An Old Man Walks Into A Jewelry With A Much Younger Gal He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.' At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We will take it.' The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By check.I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I will write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I will pick the ring up Monday afternoon.' On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'Sir...There's no money in that account.' 'I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.'
Advice please. I have a mercedes c350cdi auto and I'm having problems with the gears. In the Daytime I put the gear stick in D and it drives normally, but then at night time I put it in N and it just revs and won't move. It's driving me bananas, if I need to drive at night I have to use my wifes manual car. Help please
I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me because she calls me her sixty second lover.
Tough Cowboys Some old cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the lonesome prairie, and with the pride for which these men were famous, it was a night of bravado, rot gut whiskey, and many tall tales. Frank, the hand from Wyoming says, "I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands and castrated that sucker with my teeth." Snake River Ben, from Idaho, couldn't stand to be bested. "That's nothing, I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot diamondback rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands, bit off its head, and sucked the poison down in one gulp - didn't even get a belly ache." Old Red River Tom, the cowboy from Canada , remained silent, slowly stirring the campfire coals with his pecker...
Murphy Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris , he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. as he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house. Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, she asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her. After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up. Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business
All this recent rain has been no good for my open air restaurant business. People were taking at least 3 hours to finish their soup!!
I went into the estate agents looking for a flat earlier.. After talking it over with a pretty estate agent, I came away with a semi
Helen was distraught after calling off her engagement to Simon and decided to write him a letter as follows... Dear Simon, I am writing to tell you that I have been unable to sleep ever since I broke off out engagement. Won't you please forgive me ? Not being able to hug you anymore is breaking my heart. I admit now that I was a fool. Nobody can take your place. I really still love you so much. All my undying love, Helen P.S Congratulations on winning the Lottery!!.
This door-to-door entrepreneur became rather bored with his job of selling Bibles, so he decided to become a boss, hiring three people to sell Bibles for him. He interviewed three people. The first, Mick, came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you." "OK, you're hired. Here's your kit; go sell!" The second,Seamus, came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you." "OK, you're hired! Here's your kit; go sell!" The third, Paddy, came in and said, "I- i - I wa - wa- wa-want t-t-t-to s-s-s-ell, Bi - bi - Bibles, f-f-fo-for y-y-y-y you!" "No," shouted the man, "this will never work! You can't sell Bibles..... Paddy replied, "B-b-but I r-r-r-eall, but I really, really, n-n-n-n-need th-th-th-this, need tthis job!" As there were no other applicants, the man said, "OK, I'll give you one shot at this, but I expect you to show immediate RESULTS!" Mick comes back and reports, "I sold 8 Bibles today." Seamus reports: "I sold 11 Bibles today. Paddy reports, "To-t-t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I so-, I sold 28 Bi- bi- b- bibles!" "Great," says the man. "However, I want you to sell lots more Bibles than that, so get out there tomorrow and MAKE ME SOME MONEY!" At the end of the second day, Mick comes in and reports, "Today, I sold 32 Bibles." Seamus reports, "I sold 44 Bibles today" Paddy reports, "To-to-to t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I sold 79 Bi-bi-bi-Bibles." "Fantastic," said the man, "since you're doing so well, so much better than these other two bums, why don't you tell them what your sales technique is. "I-i-I j-j-ju-ju-ju-just wa, wa, walk, up to up to them and ask, them... and ask, them and ask if th-th-th-if they want t-t-o-o- -b-b-b- buy a Bi-bi-bible, or d-d-d-d-do th-th-they do they w-w-w-ant me to rrr read it to 'em?"
You should never take the piss. My mate was taking the piss out of a bloke with a ridiculous wig on the other day. The bloke had the last laugh though. Sentenced him to three years.
I went to Alcoholics Anonymous last week. The first thing they told me to do was to stop hanging around other alcoholics. So I stopped going.