Jesus goes into a bar and sits at a table in the corner. An Australian, a German and a Tallaght man are in the bar. They're staring at the man sitting by himself, at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognizing him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly the Tallaght man twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!' Sure enough, it is Jesus nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of Becks. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the German and shakes it thanking him for the Becks. When he lets go, the German gives a cry of amazement: 'My God, the arthritis I've had for thirty years is gone. It's a miracle!' Jesus then shakes the hand of the Aussie, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. 'Strewth mate, the back pain I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle.' Jesus then approaches the Tallaght man, who knocks over a chair and a table trying to get away from the Son of God. 'What's wrong?' says Jesus. The Tallaght man shouts, 'feck off, I'm on disability benefit!
Doctor, My Girlfriend Is Pregnant Guy: Doctor, my girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the condom has never broken. How is this possible? Doctor: let me tell you a story. There was once a hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his umbrella instead of his gun and went out. A lion suddenly jumped in front of him. In order to scare the lion the hunter used the umbrella like a gun and shot the lion, then it died. Guy: Nonsense!! Someone else must have shot the lion Doctor: Good, you understand the story. Next patient please...
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.' 'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?' 'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees. 'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?' She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'
Paddy went to the dentist. As he sat in the chair the dentist said "How's the mouth?" Paddy said "She's still in bed!"
The internet is a breeding ground for fraud, petty scams, theft, racism, homophobia, misogynism, whinging, crying, cheating on your partner, grassing, and generally being an obnoxious twat. Yes, it's an online Liverpool
Anybody on here with knowledge regarding noisy dishwashers? I've tried flowers, chocolates and wine and she's still moaning!
“Young man,” said the judge, looking sternly at the defendant. “It’s alcohol and alcohol alone that’s responsible for your present sorry state! ”I’m glad to hear you say that,” replied Mick, with a sigh of relief. ”Everybody else says it’s all my feckin fault!”
My missus said if you won millions on the lottery would you still love me? I said of course I would love and id think about you often and even write to you occasionally
Whilst in America, my son and I went shopping in Wal-mart. I asked the cashier if they had any Kinder eggs. "Oh no, sir, we don't sell them in the States, they're a health hazard!" "Okay," I replied. "I'll just take these two assault rifles then."
A young woman goes into confession, she says, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned. My boyfriend came over while I was babysitting and we started kissing. One thing lead to another and he... Well he wanted.." and the young woman hesitated. The priest asked the woman, " my child, did he take you against your will?" To which she replied, "Oh no Father, it was against the China cabinet and boy did those dishes rattle!"
Is it okay that I start drinking as soon as the kids are at school. Or does that make me a bad teacher?
Two camels, a father and son are grazing. The younger camel looks up to his father and says "Dad! Why do we have these giant humps on our backs?" The father camel looks down on the son and says. "Why, so we can travel for miles in the desert without stopping for water." The young camel looks astonished and says "Wow, I didn"t know that!" A few minutes later, the younger camel pips up again "Dad! ...Why do we have really thick eyelids?" The older father, rather agitated by his son"s curiosity, answers quickly. "So that our eyes are not scratched by sand storms. "Wow!" The young camel says...Another minute later and the father camel hears his son again. "Dad!". "What now!" The father camel asks. The son then asks. "Why do we have huge feet?" "Well son." The father camel starts. "We need to tread through the sand and out feet are big so we can travel much easier..."A few minutes pass before the father hears his son again. The father camel, clearly agitated turns round. "What!?""Dad.... What the hell are we doing in Dublin Zoo then?"
The Confessional As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl named Mary shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where, before long, she became a successful performer in show business. Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church which she had always attended as a child. In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and back flips. Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Mary's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other, "Jaysus, Mary & Joseph, will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out tonight, and me without me bloomers on.
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Philosophy degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
I was playing scrabble with the wife last night, and I am sure she is making words up. What the hell does " foreplay " mean anyway?