Found a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge on a plate with a note that said "don't eat me" Now there's an empty plate in the fridge with a note on it that says "don't tell me what to do"
My wife finally passed her driving test at the 11th attempt, I had said I would get her something cheap to run around in if she did, so i bought her a pair of trainers from Aldi
There's a gang going through town systematically shoplifting clothes in size order. The police believe they're still at large...
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 76). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red, Orange , and blue. My dad kept staring at her. The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.. When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked: "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?" Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response I knew he would have a good one! In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid .... "Got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you might be my kid."
WHY? • Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? • Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin? • Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? • Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? • Why is a boxing ring square? • Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips? • Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin? • Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? • Why is it that rain drops but snow falls? • Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? • Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? • Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? • Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand? • Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? • Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary? • Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet? • Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food? • You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance? • Can a stupid person be a smart-ass? • Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
A lumberjack finds a big, solid tree in the woods, and as he's readying his axe, the tree cries out "Wait! Please don't kill me, I'm a talking tree!" The lumberjack thinks for a moment, then starts to chop it down anyway, saying... "Then you will dialogue."
Liquid Form Of Viagra The Pfizer Corporation announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and this new product will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs and just a good old-fashioned stiff drink. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO. Thought for the day...There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2025, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar coin back.' She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.' The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
I was eating an ice-cream in town yesterday when I noticed a lad with a bright pink mohican and Sex Pistols tattoos about to go into the bookies. It was a once in a lifetime opportunity, so I shouted at him to stop. When he looked round, I pointed my Magnum at him and said, "You've got to ask yourself one question... Do you feel lucky, punk?"
My two friends Ed and Neil have just opened a chiropractors clinic and they specialise in certain body parts. Ed’s shoulders, Neils on toes!!..
One morning a man comes into the church on crutches. He stops in front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches. An altar boy witnessed the scene and runs into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen. Without batting an eye, the priest says, "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man?" "Over by the holy water, Father. Flat on his arse."
A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. All the Catholic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in a Jewish home. After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit grandpa. "How do you like it here?" asks the grandson. "It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa. "We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone." "Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile. "There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!" "There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!" "And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!" "And me......, I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The F'ing Mexican' !
Homecoming A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en-route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness, because the man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees. Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife, naked as a jay bird, with a man, also totally nude. The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouts, "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money. HE paid for the Porsche; I gave you. HE paid for your new 25 ft. Ranger fishing boat. HE paid for your football season tickets. HE paid for our house at the lake. HE paid for your golf trip to St Andrews and your new 4 x 4 truck. HE paid for our country club membership and he even pays the monthly dues. And because of HIM, I can put an extra $2,000 in our checking account each month." Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do'? The cabby replies, "I'd cover him with that blanket, before he catches a cold."
Friday night, Mick went to his friend Paddy and said, "Paddy, I need a favour - I'm sleeping with the bartender's wife. Can you hold him in the pub for an hour after he closes up?" Paddy was not very fond of the idea, but being Mick's lifelong friend, he reluctantly agreed. After the pub closed, Paddy struck up a conversation with the bartender asking him all sorts of stupid questions in an effort to keep him occupied. After some time, the bartender became suspicious and asked, "Paddy what are you really up to with all this?" Paddy, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse, confessed to the bartender and said, "I'm sorry Seamus, my friend Mick is sleeping with your wife right now and asked me to keep you occupied." The bartender smiled and putting a brotherly hand on Paddy's shoulder, said "Paddy I think you'd better hurry home, my wife died two years ago."
A deaf mute steps up to tee off on the first hole of a golf course, when a large burly guy yells "Hey You!, Nobody tees off ahead of Big Ralph". Being deaf the poor guy continues to prepare for his shot, so Ralph runs up thinking the deaf mute is being obstinate, and knocks the poor guy to the ground, kicks his ball away, and prepares for his own shot. After Ralph has hit the ball and proceeded down the fairway after it, the mute gets up brushes himself off, waits a moment, and again prepares his shot. The deaf mute then hits a beautiful shot straight up the middle of the fairway, striking big Ralph in the back of the head, and knocking him unconscious. The mute then walks down the fairway rolls big Ralph and holds up four fingers in front of Ralph's face.