One day my girlfriend sent me a text.. "I think we should break up" I was devastated, but then she sent another one saying.. "Ignore that, sent it to the wrong person" Imagine my relief?
Three men were in heaven discussing how they died. The first man said..."I died of cancer" The second man said..."I died of tuberculosis" The third man said... "I died of seenus" The first two men asked..."Don't you mean sinus?" The third man said..."NO, I mean SEENUS". I was out with my best friend's wife and he senus !!
Simple Math My dear wife, you will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 22 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset- I shall be home before midnight. When the man gets home late that night he found a letter on the dining room table: My dear husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 57 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 57 years old. As you know I am a maths teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary is 22 years old. As a successful business man who has an excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation although with one small difference: 22 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 22. Therefore I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
A woman goes to the gynecologist for an exam. She puts her feet into the stirrups and the doctor begins his exam. After a moment, he says, "You have an unusually deep vagina." The woman replies, "You don't have to say it twice." The doctor says, "I didn't."
Mother-in-law in the back of the car spent the whole journey whinging and giving extraneous advice on driving. Eventually we arrived and I reversed parked into a vacant slot at the road side. Mother-in-law “Why do men always back into parking spaces ?” Okay everyone, join in “Because we can”.
Ageless A 70 year old man went to see his doctor. He tells the doctor that after his second round of golf every day his knees are sore. Amazed, the doctor asks, "You’re still playing two rounds of golf a day at age 70? You must have good genes. How old was your father when he passed away?" The man responded, "Who said he’s dead? He turns 90 next month. He only plays one round of golf a day." ”Wow!” says the doctor, “90 years old and a round of golf a day! How old was your grandfather when he died?” The patient replies, “Who said he’s dead?” Quite surprised, the doctor asks, “Your grandfather is still alive?“ The old man replies: “Yes he turns 108 next month… and he’s getting married.” Doctor: “Why would a 108 year old man want to get married?” Patient: “Who said he wanted to?"
“Young man,” said the judge, looking sternly at the defendant. “It’s alcohol and alcohol alone that’s responsible for your present sorry state! ”I’m glad to hear you say that,” replied Mick, with a sigh of relief. ”Everybody else says it’s all my fault!”
True facts 1. In the 1400s a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have 'the rule of thumb.' 2. Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only... Ladies Forbidden'... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language. 3. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David, Hearts - Charlemagne, Clubs -Alexander the Great, Diamonds - Julius Caesar 4. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... 'goodnight, sleep tight.' 5. It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon. 6. Since 1966,England fans have said they are going to win the cup at the start of every football competition, hence the phrase ‘deluded twat’.
Husband comes home from from a hard day at work. Wife: hello honey I did the shopping today Husband: did you buy me a carton of beer like I asked? Wife: sorry I forgot Husband: you are always forgetting things Wife: that’s not true what about 14 years 7months 3weeks and 6 days ago when you forgot to take the rubbish out.
A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answered the door. She proclaim “I want to join your biker club!” The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she would be allowed to join. So the biker asks her “You have a bike?” The little old lady says “Yea, that’s my Harley over there” and points to a Harley parked in the driveway. The biker asks her “Do you smoke?” The little old lady says “Yea, I smoke. I smoke four packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I’m shooting pool.” The biker was impressed and asks “Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?” The little old lady says “No, I’ve never been picked up by the fuzz, but I’ve been swung around by my nipples a few times.”
Two blondes were taking a walk through the woods when they came across a set of tracks. ‘I’m sure they’re bear tracks!’, said the first blonde. ‘No, they’re deer tracks’, said the second blonde, confidently. They were still arguing when the train hit them.
Whenever I hear the expression there's good and bad in all, I remember Sir Isaac Newton came from Grantham. And so did Margaret Thatcher.
Insurance Benefits Airman Johnson was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Johnson had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Johnson's sales pitch. Johnson explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000." "Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"