Rugged Outdoor Man During his physical examination, a doctor asked a retired man about his physical activity level. The man said he spent 3 days a week, every week in the outdoors "Well, yesterday afternoon was typical; I took a five-hour walk about 5ks through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through 200 meters of brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I barely avoided stepping on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I went to the bathroom behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank a scotch and three glasses of wine. “ Amazed by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoor man!" "No," the man replied, "I'm just a really, really lousy golfer"
At 12pm yesterday I finally plucked up the courage to phone Gamblers Anonymous. They told me to phone back at 20:1.
Andy goes to see a lawyer and tells him, “My neighbor borrowed $300 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?” The Lawyer asks Andy, “Do you have any proof he owes you the money?” “Not really,” replies Andy. "I thought we were good enough friends and trusted him." "I see, says the Lawyer. “Okay, then we will write him a letter, enclosing a stamped addressed return envelope, asking him for the $3,000 he owes you,” said the lawyer. “But it’s only $300,” replied the man. “Precisely, replies the Lawyer." "And that’s what I expect he will reply and then we’ll have our proof before taking him to Court!”
Time Zones Russian Prime Minister Medvedev comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish the time zones Long Why? Putin asks him. Ah, I can't find myself with these times: I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep, I last woke you up at 4 in the morning, but I thought it was only evening, I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday, I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow. Well, these are just minor awkwardness... Putin answered him. JUST MINOR ISSUES?!! Do you remember when that Polish plane crashed with the president? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hadn't taken off yet !!
I got a call on my home phone. "Sir, if you don't give me your credit card details your house will explode in exactly three minutes time." I said, "Can you make it two? My mother-in-law is refusing to leave."
A Man Wakes Up On The 7th Of July At 7 O'clock When he wakes up, he checks his phone and sees that he has 7 missed calls and 7 messages from 7 differents persons. He finds the coincidence pretty funny, gets out of bed with a big smile and gets in his car.Before starting the engine, he checks on his phone the location of his meeting, when he notices that he has to go to the 7th floor of a building located in 7 Ann Street 7 minutes away from is home. He thinks that this is probably the biggest coincidence he has ever seen in his life and laughs for a few seconds.After that, he wants to check how much money he has left, so he starts counting how much there is in his wallet. And to his surprise, he notices that he has exactly 777 dollars in bills. He thinks that this is much more than a mere coincidence, and that today is his lucky day. So instead of going to work, he decides to drive to the nearest sports bar to bet on a horse. He waits for the 7th race of the day then bets all of his money on the horse N°7. The horse arrived in seventh place.
Paddy said to Mick I was being chatted up by a right ugly bird in the pub last night. She asked "Do you have a nickname?" I answered "Yes, it's sledge" "Is it because you are smooth ride?" She giggled. "No" came my reply, "It's because I'm always being pulled by dogs"
You ever had one of those days where you feel like your forgetting something. I pulled into the garage, got all the groceries out of the car. As I was walking in the house, my phone started ringing. I said "Hello honey whats up?" She asked "Where are you?" I said "I just got home from Woolworths, why?" She said "I know, I went with you.."
An Older Dog An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks. Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'...! The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar ... 'HE LIVES IN A HOME, WITH MY NON-STOP CHATTING AND NAGGING WIFE, HE'S TRYING TO CATCH UP ON HIS SLEEP .. CAN I COME WITH HIM TOMORROW ....???'
I really was shipwrecked on a remote island once. I was there for five years before I was rescued. The first responder to reach me was a woman in a tight wet suit. Mother Nature and genes had been very kind to her. She asked how long it had been since I had enjoyed a smoke. I told her, "Five years." She unzipped a pocket on her wet suit and pulled out a waterproof pouch with a wonderful Cuban cigar. "How long has it been since you've had a drink?" "Five years," was my response. She unzipped another pocket on her wet suit and pulled out a flask of Jack Daniels. Next, she started to unzip the front of her wet suit as she asked, "How long has it been since you've played around?" I fell to my knees. Tears came to my eyes. I exclaimed, "Don't tell me you have a set of golf clubs in there, too!!!"
A Sunday School teacher asks her class where Jesus is. Little Susie says, “In Heaven!” Little Amy says, “In my heart!” Little Johnny says, “In my bathroom!” Perplexed, the Sunday School teacher asks little Johnny why Jesus would be in his bathroom. “I don’t know, I just hear my dad every morning banging on the bathroom door and yelling ‘Jesus Christ are you still in there?!’”
I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
Guys, if your marriage fails don't blame just her. It takes two people to turn a marriage into a toxic relationship......Blame her mother as well.
Went to the motor show, and as i parked up everyone from the BMW owners club rushed over and started pointing and videoing my old Toyota. That's when i realised I'd left the indicator on!..
Last night on stage at the strip club was the ugliest dancer I've ever seen. She danced up to me and said "Hey Handsome, what would you like me to take off first?" I said "My glasses."