Jokes Jokes Jokes

Discussion in 'Forum Games' started by pedagogy, Jun 2, 2010.

  1. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

    Aug 5, 2015
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    So I've just finished converting my van to electric.
    I swapped the diesel engine for the motor from a tumble dryer.
    It wouldn't start at first, then I realised I hadn't shut the door properly!!.
     
  2. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    The family dog has been very aggressive lately.
    My son suggested getting his balls chopped..
    I don't know what good that has done. Now I have an aggressive dog and a son with no bollocks!!
     
  3. John Sutherland

    John Sutherland MDL Addicted

    Oct 15, 2014
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    In ancient times, you had empires. They were ruled by emperors.

    In the Middle Ages, you had kingdoms. They were ruled by kings.

    In modern times, you have countries. See where I'm going with this?
     
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  4. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    I refereed a woman's football match yesterday it was brilliant, I booked two for muttering under their breath,one for giving me the silent treatment, and i sent one off without explanation and left her wondering what the feck she'd done wrong !
     
  5. Tiger-1

    Tiger-1 MDL Guru

    Oct 18, 2014
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    haha is true for sure this reminds me the good times with timesurfer :D:p
     
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  6. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    Little Tommy asked his mother: “who did I get my intelligence from”?
    His mother replies; “it must be from your father 'cause I still have mine”
     
  7. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    A 57 year old scruffy man who is the pm [ boris johnson ] and looks like a scarecrow is going to be a Dad again to his 33 year old wife.
    Sources confirmed that Dominic Cummings and Matt Hancock are wanting a DNA test once the child is born to find out who the child's biological father really is.
     
  8. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    Bill was moderately successful in the career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.
    After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches, the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
    Bill was shocked and depressed, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. After the operation, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
    As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit."
    He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
    The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see, size 44 long?"
    Bill laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
    "It's my job." replied the salesman.
    Bill tried on the suit, it fitted perfectly. As Bill admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
    Bill thought for a moment and then said, "Sure!"
    The salesman eyed Bill then said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16 and a half neck."
    Bill was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
    "It's my job." came the familiar reply.
    Bill tried on the shirt, and it fitted perfectly.
    The salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"
    Bill was on a roll and agreed.
    The salesman eyed Bill's feet and said, "Let's see, nine-and-a- half?"
    Bill was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
    "It's my job." said the salesman again. Bill tried on the shoes and they fitted perfectly. He walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
    Bill thought for a second and said, "Sure, why not." The salesman stepped back, eyed Bill's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36."
    Bill laughed smugly, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
    The shocked salesman shook his head, "You can't possibly wear a size 34! It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!"
     
  9. zen45

    zen45 MDL Addicted

    Feb 25, 2010
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    It Hurts
    A little girl went up to her mother one day while holding her stomach saying, "Mommy, my stomach hurts."

    Her mother replied, "That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!" She then prepared a bowl of soup.

    Later that day when their neighbors were over for dinner.

    The man began to feel bad. Holding his head he said, "I have such a terrible headache!"

    The little girl looked up at him, giving him the sweetest smile that any little child could give.

    Then she said, "That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!"
     
  10. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    The Polite Way to Pee
    During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
    "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
    Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
    The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite'
    What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
    Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'
    'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
    And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?
    Johnny said: 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.'
    The teacher fainted...
     
  11. Tiger-1

    Tiger-1 MDL Guru

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    thanks MC :rofl:
     
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  12. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    A man is watching a movie on television with his wife.
    The wife says, "That Angelina Jolie is very attractive?" The man thinks about it, being careful to not to jump to the answer too soon. "Yeah, I guess you can say she is." They go back to watching the film. The guy is comforted that nothing came of that loaded question.
    Six years later, the same couple are having breakfast. The man, sitting at the kitchen table, asks, "Can I have another egg?" The wife, standing at the stove, turns and angrily yells, "Why don't you ask Angelina Jolie to make you your egg if she's so bloody beautiful?"
     
  13. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    Paddy calls emergency services and says,"Please come quick,I'm trapped in my apartment building at 11 Point Pleasant."
    "What floor are you on sir?" asks the operator.
    "Ceramic tiles I think." says Paddy!
     
  14. cadram

    cadram MDL Member

    Apr 27, 2015
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    It was the funeral of a Parking Meter Attendant. As the coffin was being lowered into the ground a voice from inside screamed ‘I’m not dead, let me out ‘ The vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters ‘ Too late pal, I’ve already done the paperwork.
     
  15. zen45

    zen45 MDL Addicted

    Feb 25, 2010
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    Special Guest
    A Cherokee Indian was a special guest at an elementary school.

    He talked to the children about his tribe and its traditions, then shared with them this fun fact: "There are no swear words in the Cherokee language."

    One boy raised his hand. When called on by the Indian he asked, "But what if you're hammering a nail and accidentally smash your thumb?"

    "That," the Indian replied, "is when we use YOUR language."
     
  16. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?"
    "I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.
    "What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.
    "I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.
    "Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling, "I'll climb into your crib and find out."
    He carefully got himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared in to the blankets.
    After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big smile on his face.
    "You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.
    "You're ever so clever," said the baby girl, "but how can you tell?"
    "It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy
    "you've got pink socks and I've got blue ones."
     
  17. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    Two little boys stole a load of apples from a neighbours apple tree.
    They decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.
    One of them suggested the nearby cemetery.
    As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, they dropped two apples, but they didn't bother to pick them since they had enough.
    A few minutes later, a drunk, on his way from a bar, passed near the cemetery gate & heard a voice saying: "One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you."
    He immediately sobered up & ran as fast as he could to a church nearby, for the priest.
    "Father, please come with me. Come & witness God & Satan sharing corpses at the cemetery.”
    They both ran back to the cemetery gate & the voice continued: "One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you."
    Suddenly, the voice stopped counting & said: "What about the two at the gate?"
    You've never seen 2 people running so fast!!.