Two little boys stole a load of apples from a neighbours apple tree. They decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery. As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, they dropped two apples, but they didn't bother to pick them since they had enough. A few minutes later, a drunk, on his way from a bar, passed near the cemetery gate & heard a voice saying: "One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you." He immediately sobered up & ran as fast as he could to a church nearby, for the priest. "Father, please come with me. Come & witness God & Satan sharing corpses at the cemetery.” They both ran back to the cemetery gate & the voice continued: "One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you." Suddenly, the voice stopped counting & said: "What about the two at the gate?" You've never seen 2 people running so fast!!.
If you think you're smarter than previous generations, keep in mind that 50 years ago, car service manuals showed you how to adjust the valve timings. Today, they warn you not to drink battery acid.
A waiter approached our table and asked us if we enjoyed our meal. "It was absolutely delicious, I ate every last bit!" said my wife. "And Sir?" said the waiter. "How did you find the pork belly?" "Oh, about six years ago, we met on holiday."
Two boys arguing. "My dad's better than your dad" says one. "No, my dad's better. He won the darts championship last week" says the other. "Ok" says the first, "but my mam's better than yours" "Yeah" says the other. "My dad says the same"
Golfing A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing... She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.” He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request. She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.” Once again, he thanked her. He finished his round, went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, “Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.” He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold. She replied, “If I told you, you would only laugh.” “No, I wouldn’t.” he said. She said, “I sell tampons.” With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard. She said, “See, I knew you would laugh.” “That’s not what I’m laughing at!” he replied. “I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m STILL one hole behind you!”
Good Italian Girls A young Italian-American girl was going on a date..... Her Nonna said: "Sita here ana letame tella you about those-a younga boys. He's agonna try ana kiss you, you are agonna likea dat ... but don't let him do that. He's agonna try ana kiss your breasts, you are agonna likea dat too... but don'ta let him do that. But most important, he's agonna try ana lay on topa you, you are agonna likea dat, but don'ta let him do that. Doing that willa disgraca the family. With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date. The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted: "Nonna, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family!" Nonna fainted!!
I saw this guy in an Italian restaurant ordering pizza in fluent Italian. The waiter seemed to appreciate his willingness to accept their culture. So, I tried the same thing in our local Chinese restaurant. I squinted my eyes and shouted, "Harro! Spesha frah raice prease!" But instead of showing appreciation, they took the upturned prawn-cracker basket from my head and told me to get the feck out!.
Apparently St George was made a saint for having the courage to stand up to a big scary dragon... Fair play to the fella, I tried that once and had to spend the next 6 months in the spare room!!
A young couple decided to go to a fancy dress party as a cow, him leading, her behind. They had to cross a field to get to their destination. Half way across the field the young man noticed a bull approaching. Warning his female companion she replied "what do we do now?" "Dunno about you" he replied "i'm gonna eat grass".
People accuse me of being pretentious because I'm rich. Anyway, I asked the person who I hired to pour my whisky, "Where's the cigarette lighter?" He replied, "You gave him the day off, sir."
The maid asked for a raise, and the wife was upset. She asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?" Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you." Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?" Helen: "No, the gardener did." Wife: "So, how much do you want?"
I'm sure that my little brother is a drug addict. How do I know? Well, we were discussing comedy yesterday. I asked him for his best lines and he gave me a rolled up £20 note!
I called the handyman the other day and asked him to fix the lawn mower, he said “I’m not too good with lawn mowers”. I said can you unblock the sink in the laundry then? he said “no I’m not much good at that either” Well then I said, can you get on the shed roof and fix that loose tile? he said, “ oh no, I can’t do that coz I’m scared of heights!” In exasperation I said to him, “if you can’t do any of these jobs, how can you call yourself a handyman?” To which he replied. “coz I only live down the road!”