I said to my son, ''When your Ma and I were dating in the 80s, I used to take her up the hills in my Lada.'' ''Oh Aye?'' he smirked, ''And what did you get up to, eh?'' I replied, ''Almost 35 mph one time.''
I have a well-trained dog. When I say "sit!", he sits. When I say "roll over!", he rolls over. When I say "speak!"... ... he says, "not without my lawyer present".
Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of their life has obviously never had two snicker bars fall down at once from a vending machine.
A biker stops at a young girl who's just about to jump off a bridge. He says to her, "why not give me your last kiss before you jump?" She quietly accepts and gives him one of the deepest kiss ever. When she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That is the best kiss I ever had! It would be a real waste of your talent to jump. Why are you committing a suicide?" She replied, “my parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl.”
Woman buys a new Sim Card. Puts it in her phone and decides to surprise her husband who is seated on the couch in the living room: She goes to the kitchen, calls her husband with the new number: "Hello Darling." The husband responds in a low tone: "Let me call you back later Honey, my wife is in the kitchen!"
A surgeon was checking on a patient who had a hernia operation three days before. The doctor asked the man why he had not gotten out of bed. “I hurt,” the man said. “You don’t know how it feels.” “I know exactly how it feels,” the doctor said. “I had the same procedure last month, and I was back at work two days later. There’s no difference in our operations.” “Oh yes there is,” said the patient. “You had a different surgeon.”
Little Johnny was playing with something in the road, and his local priest came up to him and said "Hello little Johnny what are you playing with?" Little Johnny said "Sulfuric Acid" Father Walsh said "you mustn't play with that, it's dangerous" Little Johnny said "I don't tell you not to play with holy water" Father Walsh said " No, because holy water is good...The other day I put holy water on a pregnant woman's tummy and she passed a baby boy." "That's nothing" Little johnny said "The other day I put Sulfuric Acid on my dogs Bollocks and he passed a Ferrari"
Church Funnies A teacher was testing the children in her Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. She asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" "NO!" the children answered. "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, the answer was, "NO!" Now she was smiling. Hey, they're getting it, she thought! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" she asked. Again, they all answered, "NO!" She was just bursting with pride for them. "Well," she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?" A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."
A Police officer stopped at our farm yesterday, he said “I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs.” I said “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.” The Police officer verbally exploded saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the State Government with me!” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. “See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…. On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?…. do you understand?!!” I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the police officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull…. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs “Your badge, show him your BADGE!!”
Teacher: "If you had $1.50 and you asked your father for $2.50, how much would you have?" Boy: "$1.50". Teacher: "You don't know your maths very well". Boy: "No miss, you don't know my father very feckin well".
Paddy was a very shy guy and goes into a bar in Dublin and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally,Paddy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which Paddy responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean 200 Euros ?"
Little Johnny farts in the classroom and his teacher gets really upset and throws him out: He goes and sits outside the class and can’t stop laughing. The principal walks by and sees him sitting outside laughing. He says. "Little Johnny what are you doing sitting here laughing?" Little Johnny says. "I farted in class and the teacher threw me out." The principal says. "Well then, why are you laughing?" Little Johnny says. "Because the dumb idiots are sitting in the classroom smelling my fart while they put me outside in this beautiful, clean air."
Three blondes are all applying for the last available position on the Toronto Police Force. The detective conducting the interview looks at the three of them and says, with a condescending voice: "So you all want to be cops, huh?" The blondes all nod. The detective gets up, opens a file drawer, and pulls out a folder. Sitting back down, he opens it, pulls out a picture, and says to the girls: "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect (sic). You must be able to notice things, such as distinguishing features and oddities, like scars and so forth." So saying, he sticks the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdraws it after about two seconds. "Now," he says, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?" The blonde immediately says, "Yes, I did, he has only one eye!" The detective shakes his head in disbelief and says: "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!" The first blonde hangs her head and walks out of the office. The detective then turns to the second blonde, sticks the photo in her face for two seconds, pulls it back, and asks: "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?" "Yes! He only has one ear!" answers immediately the second blonde. The detective puts his head in his hands and exclaims, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!" The second blonde sheepishly walks out of the office. The detective turns his attention to the third and last blonde and says: "This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashes the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdraws it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?" The blonde says, in a confident tone: "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.” The detective frowns, takes another look at the picture, and begins looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looks up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and says: "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?" The blonde rolls her eyes and says: "Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all walking along together when they encounter a slide in front of a magic pool. The Englishman decides to give it a try and shouts as he slides down "Beer!" and lands in a pool of beer. The Scotsman sees this and has a go himself. As he slides down cries out "Whiskey!", and lands in a pool of whiskey. The Irishman, having seen this, decides to have a go to, as it looks like fun. As he slides down, he cries out "Weeeeeee!
Laboratory Rabbit Freedom A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. 'Wow, this is great,' he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass. 'Hey,' he called. 'I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits? 'Yes. Come and join us,' they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. 'What else do you wild rabbits do?' he asked. 'Well,' one of them said. 'You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.' This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, 'What else do you do?' 'You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well.' The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. 'Is there anything else you guys do?' he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. 'There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there,' he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. 'They're girls. We poke them. Go and try it.' Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. 'That was fantastic,' he panted. 'So are you going to live with us then?' one of them asked. 'I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't.' The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. 'Why? We thought you liked it here.' 'I do,' our friend replied. 'But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette.'
I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business, when this drunk fat girl came up behind me, grabbed my ass and said, "You're kind of cute, you gotta a phone number?" I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?" She said, "Yeah, I got a pen." I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."