At a mental hospital : Doctor: - What is this? Patient: - This is a book i wrote. It has a total of 500 pages. Doctor:- You wrote 500 pages! Wow, what did you write? Patient :- On the first page i wrote 'One king rode on a horse and went towards the jungle'. And on the last page i wrote 'The king reached the jungle'. Doctor:- So what did you write in the remaining 498 pages? Patient:- I wrote; Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik ti tigdik tigdik... Tigdiki tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik ti tigdik tigdik... Doctor :- (stunned) And what's that? Patient :- That's the sound of the horse running...The hooves digging the terrain. Doctor:- And who will read your story? Patient :- I will put it on internet plenty of people will definitely read it..... One of them is reading it as we speak!!..
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat on the commuter train and closed his eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone and started talking on it in a loud voice. "Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train." She continued, "Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting with Kevin." "No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with Kevin, the boss." "No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life ... Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!" Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking away loudly. When the man sitting next to her had finally had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed." Sue no longer uses her cell phone in public!!
It has been scientifically proven that if we drink one litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than one kilo of Escherichia Coli Bacteria found in water that contains faeces. In other words, we are consuming one kilo of s**t. However, we do not run that risk when drinking rum, gin, whiskey, beer, wine or other liquors because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermentation. It is my duty to communicate to all of you people who are drinking water, to stop doing so. It has been scientifically proven that it is unhealthy and bad for you. THEREFORE - It is better to drink alcohol and talk s**t .... than to drink water and be full of it!!..
Boss rang me this morning. Boss: Where are you? Me: I'm on the bus heading towards Worthing Boss: Why are you on a bus heading to Worthing ?? Me: When I finished work yesterday, you told me to " Be in Brighton early tomorrow ".
I was in a job interview today. The interviewing manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me." So I put the laptop under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home. Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!" I said, "$200 and it's yours"
I think my wife is seeing someone else.. She just asked If I wanted some Pepsi max!.. My name is Steve!!..
I went to the doctor and asked, “What’s the best exercise to lose weight?” He said, “Just shake your head.” I said, "How often?" He says, “Every time someone offers you food you fat bastard.”
AIDS WARNING! To all of you approaching 50 or have REACHED 50 and past, this is especially for you...... SENIOR CITIZENS ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS! HEARING AIDS BAND AIDS ROLL AIDS WALKING AIDS MEDICAL AIDS GOVERNMENT AIDS MOST OF ALL, MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS! Not forgetting HIV (Hair is Vanishing)
I was at the cinema with my Thai girlfriend, watching a film, when she offered me some popcorn from the box on her lap...I said, "I'm not falling for that one again!"
Walking into the bar, Rick said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman." "Oh yeah?" said Charlie. "And how did this one end?" "When it was over," Rick replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees." "Really? Now that's a switch. What did she say?" She said, "Come out from under the bed, you chicken-s**t."
Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing. Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly. "MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND...." Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story. So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...." At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
God created Adam and said, "I have given you everything you could ever want. Is there anything else you would like?" Adam replied, "I would like a sandwich," to which God then created Eve!!..
The missus said, "If I ever got alzheimers I would commit suicide, rather than burden you with me..." I said, "That's the fifth time you've said that today babe!!
My wife was in labour when the nurse said it was time to push. She gave it everything she had, until a fart, that from sound and stench, had obviously followed through. She was mortified. "Don't worry," i said, patting her head. "I've heard this kind of thing is perfectly natural during birth. Isn't that right nurse?" "Yes," said the nurse gagging, "But it's usually the mother not the father!.."