I asked my wife to pretend she was a schoolgirl for our anniversary, she brought a note from her mum saying she had a headache.
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking. Arlene: What in the hell is that? Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Arlene: Where did you get it?? Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy. The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers. 'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.' The pharmacist fainted!!.
It was my wife's birthday and she looked at the gift I got her and fumed, "What the hell is this ?" "Sorry, sorry," I stammered nervously, "I know you talked about maybe finally trying to lose weight, so to help you track your progress I got you some scales !" "I know that !" she stormed... "But this one is meant to weigh livestock !"
Now that I'm older Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered: 1) I STARTED out with nothing... I still have most of it. 2) I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart. 3) Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. 4) If all is not lost, where is it? 5) It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.. 6) I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through. 7) It was all so different before everything changed. 8) I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few... 9) It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end. 10) It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. 11) The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
Teacher asks young boy "why are you late for class"? Sorry sir the boy replied, Daddy got burnt. Hope its nothing too serious said the teacher. They don`t f**k around at the crematorium replied the boy.
I was watching the New Avengers Assemble movie when my wife asked, "What superpower would you have if you could have any?" "Invisibility," I replied. "I'm intrigued," she went on. "What would you do if you were invisible?" "Sit here and watch the TV in feckin peace," I replied!!.
My wife is really beginning to annoy me. I took her out for a meal yesterday and she ordered the most expensive thing on the menu..... Double whopper with cheese!!..
An Elderly Couple, An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively. 'I would like it infrequently' she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for n moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - 'Is that one word or two?'
NASA is currently examining the planet Mars in order to work out why it has changed from warm and wet to cold and dry. Maybe it got married!!.
So a man and a little boy entered a barbershop together The man received a full treatment, a haircut, shave, shampoo, and styling. After he was done, he placed the boy in the chair. 'I'm going to buy a tie to wear for tonight's party, alright?' he asked. 'I'll be back in a few minutes.' 'Sure,' the boy said. By the time the boy was finished with the haircut, the man still hadn't returned. 'Looks like your dad forgot about you little man,' the barber said. 'That wasn't my dad,' the boy said. 'He just walked up, took me by the hand, and told me we were gonna get a free haircut.'
My girlfriend said last night "You treat our relationship like some kind of game!" Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance!!.