serve them right.. the teacher in sunday school told them to use electrickery, instead of an infernal combustion engine. and the pink bot too..
One day a woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, "Where did you get that necklace?" She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start supper." The next day, the woman arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks, "Where did you get the bracelet?" She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start supper." The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, "I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?" She replies, "Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper." Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, "HEY! There's only an inch of water in the tub!" He replies, "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet!"
This fuel shortage is very worrying. Its been reported that some parents have had to walk for up to 5 whole minutes to take their children to school..
I woke up this morning and there was a great big strawberry growing on my nose,,went the doctors he said,,,,,, Ive got some cream for that,,,
Walking home after an evening spent at his local pub, having over indulged on the bevy. He decided on walking through the churchyard to take a breather by sitting on a tomb. On hearing a tap, tap, tap, tap, his hair stood on end. Turning around he noticed a figure chipping away at a tombstone. "Bloody hell man you scared the s**t out of me" he cried out. "Sorry mate" came the reply "but they spelt my name wrong".
A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything. Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything... He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure. He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything. Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?" The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had .... Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees!!
Facings the consequences A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?” The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.”
A wife came home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen for a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"
We was enjoying our family holiday last week when my 12-year-old son said, "I wonder if the sea is cold, dad?" "You're just about to find out," I laughed, picking him up and throwing him in. "I can't believe you just did that," screamed my wife, as she stared at me in complete shock. "It's okay," I replied, "He can swim." "Where to Steve? We're on a flamin cruise ship!"
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met the animal at the Pearly Gates and said, “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.” The cat thought for a moment and then said, “All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden floors… I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.” God said, “Say no more.” Instantly, the cat had a HUGE fluffy pillow. A few days later, 12 mice were simultaneously killed in an accident and they all went up to Heaven together. God met the mice at the Gates of Heaven, with the exact same offer that He made to the cat. The mice said, “Well, we have had to run all of our lives… from cats, dogs, and even from people with brooms. If we could just have some little roller-skates, we would never have to run again.” God answered, “It is done.” All the mice had beautiful little roller-skates. About a week later, God decided to check on the cat… He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, “Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?” The cat replied, “Oh, everything is just WONDERFUL… I’ve never been so happy in my life! My pillow is always fluffy and those little “Meals-on-Wheels” that You have been sending over are delicious.”
Paddy's been sat at the bar for three hours now, trying to figure out why his sister has four brothers, whilst he only has three