And Then The Fight Started cntd... I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"" Nah, she can order for herself." And then the fight started... My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And then the fight started... After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.' And then the fight started... When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station. And then the fight started... My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.' And then the fight started...
THE CATHOLIC PARROTS A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying .... that phrase .. in no time." Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"
IF YOU HAD TO name two things that we, Americans, love, those would have to be cars and booze. Incidentally, those often get mixed together. And, when we get caught drunk-driving, we do our third very favorite thing - we call our lawyers. A DWI / DUI attorney will always have work - that is, as long as there are laws against drunk driving, cars, roads and drunk Americans driving those cars on them roads (By the way, DWI stands for "Driving While Intoxicated" and DUI means "Driving Under Influence"). As way too many of us know first-hand, getting caught driving after having "just a couple of beers, officer" can result in multi-thousand-dollar fines, criminal record and, sometimes, even jail time. That's exactly what you would need to tell your clients, when they come to you the morning after being issued a summons for drunk-driving. After reminding them of consequences, you can feel good taking their money in exchange for whatever the prosecutor offers you in terms of a plea-bargain. Everybody wins - your client walks off with a reduced fine and a valuable lesson, the system punishes another drunk driver and you - the drunk-driving lawyer - perform a valuable service to society, while getting rich in the process. By the way, if you do decide to become a DUI lawyer, head to Texas. For some reason, Houston DWI lawyers or DUI lawyers in Austin are especially in demand. Hundreds of miles of good prairie roads and hundreds of gallons of beer consumed in Texas per capita would have that effect, I suppose.
A big-city, California, lawyer went duck hunting in rural Colorado. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Colorado. We settle small disagreements like this with the Colorado Three-Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the Colorado Three-Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot! Now, it's my turn!" The old farmer smiled and said, "No, I give up. You can have the duck!"
A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs. She went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing. "What's wrong with you?" She asked him. "Remember when your father caught us having sex when you were 16?" he replied. "And remember he said, I had two choices: I could either marry you, or spend the next 20 years in prison." Baffled, she said, "Yes, I remember, so what?" "I would have gotten out today."
Two little old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke. That's the only place they were allowed to smoke, but then it started to rain. One of the old ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking. The second lady asked "What is that?" The first old lady replied, "A condom. It keeps'em dry." The second old lady then asks, "Where'd you get it?" The first old lady replied, "You can get them at any drugstore." The next day the second old lady hobbles into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a package of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely. She is, after all, in her 80's. He then politely asks what brand she prefers. "Doesn't matter," she replies "as long as it fits a Camel." The pharmacist fainted.
A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower upstairs. The man realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife at the bathroom window, "Where is the rake?" She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?" The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee, and finally makes a raking motion. The wife is not sure and says, "What?!" The man repeats his gestures. "EYE KNEE...THE RAKE" The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch. Well, there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her, "What in the friggin' hell was THAT?" She replies, "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH."
Three blonds were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks. The first blond said "those are deer tracks". The second blond said "no, those are elk tracks". The third blond said "you're both wrong, those are moose tracks." The three blonds were still arguing when the train hit them.
Here is a scam....... Be careful!!! Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while at Home Depot. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you. Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20 year-olds girls come over to your car as you are loading your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex window cleaner, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds. You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and goes down on you while the other one slips her hand between the seats and steals your wallet...!! I had my wallet stolen September 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 28th. Also October 2nd & 4th, twice on the 8th & 9th, and three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend. So tell your friends to be careful. P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each -- I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at Target and bought them out.
One day a blonde was sitting in her apartment when the doorbell rang. She answered the door and found a salesman standing on her porch with a strange object in his hands. "What is that?" she asked, "What does it do?". "This baby," the salesman said, "Keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." After some deliberation the blonde bought one, deciding it would really help her lunch situation. The next day she arrived at her office and sure enough, her friends were curious about her new object. "What is it?" they asked. "It's a thermos," she replied. "What does it do?" they asked. "Well," she said in a bragging manner, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." "What's in it?" they asked. "Three cups of coffee and a Popsicle!"
Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a whore house. When they arrived at the whorehouse, the Madame took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men. So she used "blowup" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business. After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking. The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or groaned...how was it for you?" The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch." The first man asked, "How's that? "Well," said the second man, "when I nibbled on her breast ... she farted and flew out the window!"
A young woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy". The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me." "He sure is, lady," the Captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
A eye surgeon transplanted the retina of a blind men and after the successful operation he asked to the patient : can you see now? Patient: No i cant see. Surgeon takes off the clothes of nurse and again ask patient : can you see now? Patient: No i cant. Surgeon : if you cant see then why your d**c is hanging up like a rod..
Why? " Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be home that night, and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man's arms. " Why, Dad ? Tell me why!" Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said, "Maybe,Son,she didn't get the fax."
The Truth A lady tells her husband to go to the store to buy some cigarettes.He walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her .They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty angry. "Where the hell have you been?". Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, butthey were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking girl There and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her. "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and says..."You God d*mn liar!!! You were playing pool again!!!" Moral of the story: Always tell your wife the truth. She won't believe you anyway. At least your conscience is clear
It's that time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. 1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked. 2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved. 3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her. 4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days. 5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit. 6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. 7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape. 8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from." 9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. 10. When a man 20 attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying, that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
Michael the Dragon Master was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts. But he knew the penalty for this would be death. One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, who was the King's chief physician. Horatio said, "I can arrange it, but I will need 1,000 gold coins to pay bribes." Michael the Dragon Master readily agreed. The next day Horatio made up a batch of itching powder and poured a little of it into the Queen's brassiere while she was taking a bath. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew in intensity. Upon being called to the royal chambers, Horatio told the King that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown such a saliva was only to be found in Michael the Dragon Master's mouth. King Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon Master. Michael the Dragon Master slipped the antidote lotion into his mouth and for the next four hours worked passionately on the Queen's magnificent breasts. Satisfied, he returned to his chamber and found Horatio demanding payment. However, with his obsession now satisfied, he refused to pay Horatio anything and shooed him away, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King. The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder onto King Arthur's loincloth. King Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon Master ... Moral of the story: Pay your bills
A businessman was trying to choose a lawyer, but was being very careful about it. He scheduled appointments to interview three lawyers. At the first lawyer's office, after an initial exchange of pleasantries, the businessman said, "Okay, let's get down to business. I have an important question for you, and I want you to think carefully before answering. How much is two plus two?" The lawyer raised his eyebrows. "two plus two is four." The businessman thanked him for his time, and proceeded to his next appointment. The second lawyer, who was also a CPA, seemed a bit more particular than the first lawyer. After an initial discussion, the businessman again announced that he had a very important question, and asked, "How much is two plus two?" The second lawyer went over to a computer, and entered figures into a spreadsheet. "According to my calculations, two plus two is approximately four." The businessman thanked him for his time, and proceeded to his next appointment. The third lawyer sat behind a big mahogany desk, and smoked a cigar. He seemed rather self-important as compared to the other two, but at the same time appeared to be much more successful. The businessman again announced, "I would like you to answer a very important question for me, before I decide whether I should use your services. How much is two plus two?" The lawyer pulled the shades, locked the door to his office, and asked in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "200 DOLLARS? YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR MIND!"
Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night." The next night it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night." The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said. They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."