Paddy's been sat at the bar for three hours now, trying to figure out why his sister has four brothers, whilst he only has three
An old man is met by his attorney, and is told he is going to be audited. He rides to the IRS office with his attorney, and when he gets there, he begins to talk with the IRS agent. "I bet $2,000 I can bite my own eye!" The IRS agent agrees to the bet, believing it an impossible task. The old man laughs, pulls out his glass eye, and bites it. The IRS agent is dumbfounded. The old man bets $3,000 he can bite his other eye. The IRS agent knows there's no way possible to do this, so he once more agrees. The old man cackles, pulls out his dentures, and bites his eye. Then the old man finally wagers, "I bet $20,000 I can stand on the far side of your desk, pee over the desk, and get it into your wastebasket, without missing a single drop." The agent knows he won't be able to, so once more he agrees. The old man indeed misses, peeing all over the desk, and on the paperwork. The IRS agent jumps for joy, but then notices the attorney over in the corner moaning. "Are you all right?" asks the agent. "No! On the way over here, he bet me $400,000 he could pee on your desk and you'd be happy about it!"
Thought I'd share this one: What's the difference between a shower curtain and a roll of toilet paper? I don't know. SO IT WAS YOU!!!
For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor. Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway" "I Nearly killed myself...." And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"
A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says, "Six Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident." The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing, "That's horrible!" Confused, he replies, "Yes Dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved." After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazilian?"
Four blondes walk into a bar, buy a round, click their glasses together and say, "Three months and four days" They repeat this for two more times and finally the bartender asks what they are toasting. One tells him they had bought a jigsaw puzzle and had put it together in three months and four days. He said that might be a long time to do that. She told him, "On the side of the box, it said 5-6 years.”
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?' 'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
Para`s are taught to cross their legs when jumping from an airplane. The reasoning being if the parachute fails to open on descent it is easier to unscrew them. This saves them having to hire a crane to extract them from the ground
When I asked my Gran what she wanted for her birthday, she replied, "The best present I could ask for is to be surrounded by my friends." Well, we've just got back from the cemetery and she doesn't seem too fucing happy.
A junior high school in South Louisiana was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick, and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, old Mr. Boudreaux, the maintenance man, would remove the lipstick . . . and then the next day the girls would mess up the mirrors again. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there along with Mr. Boudreaux. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the maintenance man who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean up the mirrors, she asked Mr. Boudreaux to show the girls how much effort was required to clean up the lipstick. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and then cleaned the mirrors with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
My long lost brother is returning on Sunday. I haven't seen him since he left Ireland thirty years ago,' said Mick. 'He wrote to say he'll be arriving at Shannon airport at eight in the morning.' 'If he's been away that long,' asked Sean, 'how will you recognise him?' 'I won't,' reasoned Mick. 'But he'll recognise me cos I've never been away at all..
The Irish-got to love em Forget about the bad service from United Airlines. The Irish are always the first ones to come to the aid of their fellow man . . . Shortly after take-off on an outbound evening Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement: "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened but we have 103 passengers on board and, unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience." When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free and unlimited drinks for the duration of our 10-hour flight. Her next announcement came about 2 hours later: "If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available."
Fixing the Door A woman has having a problem with her bedroom closet door . It would fall off the hinges whenever the bus went by . She tried several times to fix it herself , but the door would still fall off when a bus went by . She finally called a repair man . He showed up , looked over the door and found no problem. Then the bus came , and sure enough, the door fell off . He said that he was going to step inside and for her to close the door behind him. As soon as the door was closed her husband came home and heard her talking to someone in their bedroom. He burst in demanding to know who was in there . Before she could answer he looked in the closet and found the repairman and asked 'what' s he doing in there ?' The repairman said : 'you're not going to believe this , but I'm waiting for the bus....'