I said to the checkout girl, "Has anyone told you how beautiful you are today?" "No, they haven't," she smiled. "Well " I said, "there's always tomorrow."
"What's your name, son?" The principal asked his student. The kid replied, "D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir." "Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked. The student answered, "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real prick."
Just Fred ! An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for travelling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name. 'Fred,' he replies. 'Fred what?' the officer asks. 'Just Fred,' the man responds. The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?' The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.' The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
My mate just lost his job as a stool analyser. I have to help him financially especially after all the s**t he's just been through!!..
Paddy and Murphy, we're going back to Paddy's house, after leaving the pub. 3am they arrive at the door, greeted by Paddy's wife, with a rolling pin in her hand. Murphy says. "One hell of a woman you've got there. Not many women would be up, baking at this time of the morning."
“Have you had an accident in the last three years?” they ask... “You could claim compensation...” they continue. I phoned Claims Direct expecting to be passed on to a solicitor and a big cash payout, only to be told that drinking fifteen pints of real ale, before sneezing and following-through was ‘not an accident.’ But it’s not like I did it on purpose
Old snake A old snake goes to see his Doctor. "Doc, I need something for my eyes... can't see well these days." The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks. The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed. Doc says, "What's the problem? Didn't the glasses help you?" "The glasses are fine Doc, I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. The balding man then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying them all. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer."
People complaining that there’s Christmas stuff in the shops already. That’s nothing - our local Asda is selling birthday cards, and mine is not till feckin February!!.
I asked my wife if I were the only one she had ever been with. She said yes, all the others were nines and tens. Give it a minute...
A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born: "I don't mean to be rude, but he doesn't look anything like my son." The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said: "I don't mean to be rude either, but this is not a f'n photo-copier."
Could the parents of the little girl who fell in the tiger enclosure please come to Lost Property to collect her shoes
A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw a 70+ year old man walking past. She hasn't had a customer for a while so she whistles at him and says, "Hey, would you like to have some fun time with me?" The old man said, "But I won't be able to..." "C'mon man.... give it a try... " She says. Old man says okay. They go in. The moment they get to the bed, the old timer becomes a machine and makes passionate love to her an hour straight. When he's done, the prostitute catches her breath. Exhausted and tired she says, "But you said you won't be able to...." "...pay you." completed the old man.