I discovered that by answering the door naked deters trick or treaters. Oh here's 2 more......... Dressed as coppers!!..
I Had the police knocking on my door at 3am this morning.. They said "we're looking for a man with one eye".. I said, "use them both, u'll find him quicker"
My best mate at school was born with with 14 fingers and 18 toes. whenever I struggled at maths I could always count on him.
Radio Conversation This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. It was released by the Canadian Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95 Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision Canadians: Negative. Divert your course 15 degrees to the South Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. Divert your course NOW. Canadians: Sorry. I say again, you divert YOUR course. Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE TAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call
Two newlyweds quickly realized their marriage wasn't working and filed for a divorce. The judge asked them what the problem was.... The husband replied, "In the five weeks that we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on a single thing, she contradicts everything I say".... The judge turned to the wife: "Have you anything to say".....? She answered, "It's been six weeks, your honour"......!
I was in my car the wife rang and said where are you, I said im on the M6 heading for Liverpool,She said be careful its just been on the news some idiot is driving the wrong way on the M6 I said its not just one theirs hundreds of them,,,
John and the local vicar go out to play some golf one bright, sunny day. Now, John's an OK bloke, but he has three big problems: first, he's a bit of a sore loser; second, he's an absolute potty-mouth; and third, he's simply not real good at golf! From the very first hole, he drives from the tee with a pronounced slice, and the ball flies off into the rough. "f**king hell!" he yells at the ball, to the consternation of the vicar. Once the vicar takes his shot, they hop into the golf cart, and drive down into the rough. Once John finds his ball, he lines up with his iron to try to chip it out onto the fairway, swings... and instead of the ball, sends a big chunk of rough flying through the air. Again, the blue language flies as much as the chunk of golf course, offending the vicar even more. Finally, after five of John's dodgy shots, both he and the vicar are on the green. John takes his stance and lines up, but puts a bit too much "oomph" on his putt, and it just skips over the hole. "What the actual f**k?!" he screams at the ball before it even comes to a stop. The vicar finally snaps, "Look John, you keep this up and The Lord will hear you, and strike you down for your swearing!" John tries to take this on board, and takes a few deep breaths as the vicar steps up (at last) for his putt, sinking it effortlessly for a birdie. John walks over to his ball, less than 10cm from the hole. He studies the ball intently, then looks at the hole, steps left and right to make sure everything is flat. He finally takes his stance, lines it up, and remembering his previous mistake, gently taps the ball, which hooks just enough to come to a perfect rest just to the left side of the cup - seriously, it was close enough that you'd think gravity would do its job and pull it in - but no. You of course know what comes next: he throws down his putter, and screams "How the f**k did I miss that?!" Suddenly, the beautiful blue sky turns dark, grey and mean in about five seconds flat. Thunder crashes, lightning crackles. Before anyone can get under cover, a huge lightning bolt drops out of the sky - and hits the vicar, burning him to a crisp. And then a voice, huge and booming across the sky, says... "... argh, f**king hell!"
I have no luck with women, even the bouncers at my local nightclub call me Macaulay Culkin because I always go home alone.