My brother couldn't get his head around my mother's reaction to his pet name for her.. mind you, the "Screaming Skull" was never gonna go down well..that's when he learned she could boomerang a shoe with the skill of an aborigine
The Orpheus Chamber Orchestra: Nobody can handle Handel like we can handle Handel! edit: tho word on the street is that their keyboard needs more prominence while performing handel
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.' The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.' The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."
My grandson bet me he could make a piece of paper fly farther than I could, so he spent the next 10 minutes making the fanciest airplane I've ever seen. You should have seen the look on his face when I crumpled my piece of paper into a ball and launched it across the room!......Sucks to be a loser!
A Chinese man came to India. He took a taxi at the airport. On his way, by seeing a bus, he told the taxi driver, that in India buses run very slow. In China buses run very fast. After sometime, he came near a railway bridge and saw a train passing over the bridge. Then the Chinese man told the driver, that the trains also run very slow here. In China trains run very fast. Throughout the journey he complained to the driver disparaging India.However, the taxi driver kept mum throughout the journey. When the Chinese man reached his destination, he asked the driver what is the meter reading and taxi fare thereon. The taxi driver replied it is Rs.10,000/- The Chinese was shell shocked after hearing the taxi fare. He shouted "are you kidding? in your country buses run slow, trains run slow, everything is slow. How come the meter alone runs fast?" To this the taxi bro replied calmly, “Sir, .....THE METER IS MADE IN CHINA"
A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and an Aussie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them. The Aussie fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The Indian Doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!" The Chinese Businessman called out "Move it, time is money" The Catholic Priest said, "Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hello, George!", said the Catholic Priest, "What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" George the greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The Catholic Priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The Indian Doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them." The Chinese Businessman replied, "I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls" The Aussie said, "Why can't they play at night?"
A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings. "Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money." The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes." After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?" She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."
A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, "What's wrong?" She says, "My mom died." He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine." Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?" She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"
After a chaotic ending to the climate summit in Scotland, surprised some idiot has not suggested every one on Earth should drink more water. Thereby keeping sea levels more manageable, and save some Countries from catastrophic flooding, should all the ice at the North and South Poles melt.
Paddy's Problem The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law, Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase. "What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously. "What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home ... and guess what I found? Your daughter, my wife, Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable! The end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!" "Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened." Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "Paddy, there I told you there must be a simple explanation.............. She never got your email!"