Paddy's Problem The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law, Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase. "What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously. "What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home ... and guess what I found? Your daughter, my wife, Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable! The end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!" "Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened." Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "Paddy, there I told you there must be a simple explanation.............. She never got your email!"
My wife scowled at me all the way through breakfast this morning. Finally she spoke up; 'You've forgotten our anniversary again, haven't you?' I replied, 'Of course not! I'm wearing black, am I not?'
Custody Case A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification. After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"
Being in IT is like riding a bicycle. Except the bike is on fire. You are on fire. Everything is on fire. And you are in Hell.
Sure, you can get your wife jewellery or an expensive purse or even an expensive bottle of perfume for Christmas, but she will NEVER forget the Christmas you got her a new mop, NEVER!!..
My mate said, "It's me and the wife's 10th anniversary next weekend. I thought we could go somewhere really nice together." "Sounds good to me mate. What are you going to tell your wife though?"
I decided that the best way to sort our marriage problems was to have a relaxing week in the sunshine. Hopefully when I get back she will have calmed down!!..
A blonde walks into a chemist and purchases a pack of condoms. "That will be $1.08, please," says the clerk.... "What are the eight cents for?" asks the blonde. "It says one dollar right here on the packaging." "Tax," replies the clerk. "Gee," says the blonde, "I thought you just rolled them on and they stayed put."
Had a checkup last week Doctor said " Do you drink much" I said "the odd pint why" He said "your urine sample had a head on it
Fat Free I stopped at a fast food restaurant recently. I was fascinated by a sign which offered fat free french fries. I decided to give them a try. I was dismayed when the clerk pulled a basket of fries from the fryer which were dripping with fat. He filled a bag with these fries and put them in my order. "Just a minute!" I said. "Those aren't fat free." "Yes, they are. We only charge for the potatoes. The fat is free!"
Grand mothers bracelet HUSBAND: i want you to have this bracelet it belonged to my grand mother. WIFE: why does it say do not resuscitate
My wife joined us in the pub garden and gestured toward our son. "Why's he crying?" "He let go of his balloon and it floated away." "Ok... And why are you crying?" "I knocked over my pint when I tried to grab it.
Old Mrs. O’Malley told the clerk at her local Dublin Post Office that she want to by 50 Christmas stamps. “Sure”, said the clerk, “and in what denomination would you be wantin’ them?” “Oh my”, sighed Mrs. O’Malley, “has it come down to this? Then give me 25 Catholic and 25 Protestant.”
The Mafia have decided to update it's operations to keep up with internet trading. Their 1st venture is called PayUpPal.