Jokes Jokes Jokes

Discussion in 'Forum Games' started by pedagogy, Jun 2, 2010.

  1. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

    Aug 5, 2015
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    My wife scowled at me all the way through breakfast this morning. Finally she spoke up; 'You've forgotten our anniversary again, haven't you?' I replied, 'Of course not! I'm wearing black, am I not?'
     
  2. zen45

    zen45 MDL Addicted

    Feb 25, 2010
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    Custody Case
    A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

    The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

    The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

    After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"
     
  3. bear_aussie

    bear_aussie MDL Senior Member

    Jun 8, 2015
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    Being in IT is like riding a bicycle.

    Except the bike is on fire.
    You are on fire.
    Everything is on fire.
    And you are in Hell.
     
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  4. nodnar

    nodnar MDL Expert

    Oct 15, 2011
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    :g: 380 Volts airco`s are always a fire hazard, m8,,:evil:
     
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  5. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

    Aug 5, 2015
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    Sure, you can get your wife jewellery or an expensive purse or even an expensive bottle of perfume for Christmas, but she will NEVER forget the Christmas you got her a new mop, NEVER!!..
     
  6. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

    Aug 5, 2015
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    My mate said, "It's me and the wife's 10th anniversary next weekend. I thought we could go somewhere really nice together."
    "Sounds good to me mate. What are you going to tell your wife though?"
     
  7. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    I decided that the best way to sort our marriage problems was to have a relaxing week in the sunshine.
    Hopefully when I get back she will have calmed down!!..
     
  8. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

    Aug 5, 2015
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    A blonde walks into a chemist and purchases a pack of condoms. "That will be $1.08, please," says the clerk....
    "What are the eight cents for?" asks the blonde. "It says one dollar right here on the packaging."
    "Tax," replies the clerk.
    "Gee," says the blonde, "I thought you just rolled them on and they stayed put."
     
  9. cadram

    cadram MDL Member

    Apr 27, 2015
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  10. cadram

    cadram MDL Member

    Apr 27, 2015
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  11. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

    Aug 5, 2015
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    Had a checkup last week Doctor said " Do you drink much"
    I said "the odd pint why"
    He said "your urine sample had a head on it
     
  12. zen45

    zen45 MDL Addicted

    Feb 25, 2010
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    Fat Free
    I stopped at a fast food restaurant recently. I was fascinated by a sign which offered fat free french fries. I decided to give them a try.

    I was dismayed when the clerk pulled a basket of fries from the fryer which were dripping with fat. He filled a bag with these fries and put them in my order.

    "Just a minute!" I said. "Those aren't fat free."

    "Yes, they are. We only charge for the potatoes. The fat is free!"
     
  13. zen45

    zen45 MDL Addicted

    Feb 25, 2010
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    Grand mothers bracelet
    HUSBAND:
    i want you to have this bracelet
    it belonged to my grand mother.

    WIFE:
    why does it say do not resuscitate
     
  14. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

    Aug 5, 2015
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    My wife joined us in the pub garden and gestured toward our son. "Why's he crying?" "He let go of his balloon and it floated away." "Ok... And why are you crying?" "I knocked over my pint when I tried to grab it.
     
  15. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    Old Mrs. O’Malley told the clerk at her local Dublin Post Office that she want to by 50 Christmas stamps. “Sure”, said the clerk, “and in what denomination would you be wantin’ them?” “Oh my”, sighed Mrs. O’Malley, “has it come down to this? Then give me 25 Catholic and 25 Protestant.”
     
  16. MrG

    MrG MDL Expert

    May 31, 2010
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  17. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

    Aug 5, 2015
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    The Mafia have decided to update it's operations
    to keep up with internet trading.
    Their 1st venture is called PayUpPal.
     
  18. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

    Aug 5, 2015
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    I popped into the chemist earlier and I asked the guy behind the counter,
    “What's the best thing to use to kill off coronavirus on kitchen surfaces?”
    He answered,
    "Ammonia cleaner."
    I said,
    "Oh sorry, my mistake - I thought you were the pharmacist...”