A 75 Year Old Man talking to his penis, We were born together , grown up together , enjoyed life together , Why did u die before me ?
Some differences between American and UK English. You say jelly we say jam. You say Jell-O we say jelly . You say chips we say crisps. You say fries we say chips. You say garbage we say rubbish. You say freeway we say motorway. You say gas we say petrol You say President we say bumbling fat incompetent dickhead.
A Boy's First Car A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. The dad said he’d make a deal with his son: “You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we’ll talk about the car.” The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After six weeks his father said, “Son, you’ve brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m disappointed you haven’t had your hair cut.” The boy said, “You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.” To this his father replied, “That may be true, but did you also notice that they walked everywhere they went?”
A nun went into an off licence and asked for a bottle of whisky. "Whisky?", the assistant asked, "I thought you nuns didn't drink!" "We don't", the nun replied, "This is for the Mother Superiors constipation!" She bought the whisky and left. Later that night the assistant saw the same nun dead drunk on a park bench. "I thought that was for the Mother Superior's constipation?", he said. "It ish!", she replied, "When she sees me like this, she'll s**t herself!"
A man who is a train conductor murders 5 people. He is sentenced to die in the electric chair. A few years later, his day has come and he's asked what he wants for his last meal. "A dozen bananas", he says. The man sits and eats 12 bananas one by one. Shortly after, he is strapped in to the electric chair and when the switch is pulled, the machine lights up and is clearly working, but seems to have no effect on the man. Engineers come in and look it over and everything is working perfectly. They pull the switch again and again, there is no effect on the man. After much deliberation, it is decided that his sentence was carried out and they have to let him go. He once again finds work as a train conductor. Awhile later, the man murders 5 more people. He is once again sentenced to die in the electric chair. He's asked what he wants for his last meal. "A dozen bananas", he says. The man sits and eats the 12 bananas one by one. Shortly after, he is strapped in and the switch is pulled. No effect on the man. They check the machine and it's working perfectly. They pull the switch again. Nothing. It's once again decided the man has to be let go. On his way out, the warden stops him and asks the man how eating a dozen bananas keeps him from being electrocuted by the chair. "The bananas don't have anything to do with it". "I'm just a bad conductor"...
Can I Get A Push? A man and his wife are awakened at 3 A.M. by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a very drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a ‘push.’ “Not a chance,” says the husband, “it is 3 in the morning!” He slams the door and returns to bed. “Who was that?” asked his wife. “Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers. “Did you help him?” she asks. “No, I did not, it’s 3 in the morning and it’s bloomin’ well pouring with rain out there!” “Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! Even drunks deserve help. The man, ashamed, does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?” “Yes,” comes back the answer. “Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband. “Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark. “Where are you?” asks the husband. “Over here… on the swing,” replied the drunk.
A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" and rode off. "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off." "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."