Boris says he will take passports off drug dealers and users ... Can I just point out having no passport was no obstacles for the 26,000 that arrived on the south coast this year.
If you're thinking about getting one of those pre-paid cremation plans, Don't go to an English company, they'll lose the ashes!
When i was at school the teacher said "Tony i give you 4 fluffy rabbits and then another 3 fluffy rabbits, how many do you have"? I replied "8 miss". The teacher said "No try again i give you 4 fluffy rabbits and then another 3 fluffy rabbits, how many do you have"? "8 miss". She said "No no no wrong, its 7"! I said "No miss its 8 i've already got one at home".
A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, “Hmm… that’s funny. When I lost my bag there were 2 £50 notes in it. Now there are 5 £20 notes.” The boy quickly replied, “That’s right, lady. The last time I found a purse, the lady didn’t have any change for a reward.
The other day I bought my 7 year old son a jigsaw to keep him occupied while I went to the pub. Unfortunately, when I returned I found he had managed to plug it in and cut 3 of his fingers off!!.
A blonde was driving home after a football game, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her roommate rolled her eyes and said, ... "HELLLLO" "You need to roll up the windows"
I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so I quickly followed her. As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus. So I ran after her shouting, "You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!" She didn't hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too. As I walked to the back of the bus I breathlessly said, "You dropped your purse on the floor outside McDonald's." "Thank you so much" she said, "Where is it?" I said, "I've just told you, on the floor outside McDonald's."
Just seen the amazing news about the first time a pigs heart has been transferred into a human being. Wonder if he considered using any other pig parts ? He may as well have gone the whole hog.
During the holiday season I was determined not to gain weight, so I promised myself I would not visit my favorite bakery-cafe for a whole month. I even altered my drive to work to avoid passing the spot. However, one day there was a traffic jam and I forgot and accidentally drove by the bakery. There in the window I saw the yummy pastries I loved. Since nothing happens by accident, I prayed as I slowed down. "Lord, it's up to you, if you want me to have any of those delicious goodies, create a parking place for me directly in front of the bakery." And sure enough, on the eighth time around the block, there it was! God is so good!
I took my car, which I had only bought a week before, back to the garage. The mechanic said, "what's the problem, mate?" I said, "it's this transvestite engine." The mechanic laughed and said, "you mean transverse engine?" I said, "no, I mean transvestite engine - it keeps slipping into the wrong gear."