It's perfectly ok to talk to yourself, and it's perfectly ok to answer yourself! But it's totally sad that you have to repeat yourself because you weren't listening!
A little Irish boy was stood at the side of the road crying, a man asked him "what's wrong"?, Me Ma's dead the boy replied, "oh bejesus, do you want me to get the priest" said the man. "No" replied the boy "sex is the last thing on my mind right now?"
Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new Colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the Colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, Sir." Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want ?" "Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook-up your telephone."
Paddy answered a knock at the door to find two policemen standing there. One said, 'Are you the owner of the Ford Focus that's parked outside?' 'I am,' he replied. 'Well, I'm afraid someone has hit your car and driven off. It's quite badly damaged.' He replied, 'Thank god for that!' The copper said, 'What do you mean, sir?' Paddy said, 'I thought you two were here about those videos on my hard drive.'
Jenny's husband, Charley, was a male chauvinist. Even though they both worked full-time, he never helped around the house. Housework was woman's work! But one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished--something's up. It turns out that Charley had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to be romantic. The night went well and the next day she told her office friends all about it. "We had a great dinner. Charley even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening." "But what about afterward?" asked her friends. "Oh, that was perfect too. Charley was too tired!"
So ... my psychiatrist congratulated me on the progress I had made. "You call this progress?" I shouted. "Six months ago I was Napoleon, and now I'm a nobody”
The Doctor Said ! One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her Reporting to the rest of the family that he had Died of a 'massive internal fart.'
A question about the Traffic Rules.. When driving up behind cyclists riding three abreast along a busy road, do you have to make do with taking out the one on the outside or are you allowed to swerve and run over all three of the bastards
oh for 'ducks' sake... Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven: ✨ When they get there, St. Peter says. "We only have one rule here in heaven, don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Well, along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says. "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. And then one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on - Very tall, long eyelashes. and muscular. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says. "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The forlorn guy says. "Well I don't know about you, but I accidentally just stepped on a duck!"
One day at primary school, the teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give 50 cents to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived." An Irish lad put his hand up and said, "It's Bono!" The teacher said, "Sorry, Sean, that's not correct." Then a Scottish boy put up his hand and said, "It's Sean Connery!" The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Harry, that's not right either." Finally, a little Jewish girl raised her hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ." The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Esther. Come up here and I'll give you your 50 cents. As the teacher was giving Esther her money, she said, "You know Esther, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ." Esther replied, "I know- in my heart it's Moses, but business is business."
My Missus said she wanted to spice up our sex life with some role-playing .She wanted me to be a doctor and she was going to be my patient? I agreed so i've given her a phone appointment next Thursday at 11am.
A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. "I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7 AM." Signed, "The Blonde". She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was the following note. "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."