Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a black leather bra, stiletto's and a mask over their eyes. After a few days they meet again..... The engaged girlfriend: "The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12 cms stilettos and mask. He saw me and said: "you are the woman of my life, I love you"...then we made love all night long. The mistress: Ah! Me, too. The other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat, when I opened the raincoat... he did not say anything.....but we had wild sex all night. The married one: "the other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready-- leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband comes back from work, opens the door and says: "Hi, Batman! What's for dinner?"
A first grade teacher, Mrs. Brooks was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?" Johnny answered, "I am too smart for the first Grade. My sister is in the third grade and I am smarter than she is! I think I should be in third grade too." Mrs. Brooks had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Mrs. Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. She agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Johnny: "9." Principal: "What is 6 x 6 ?" Johnny: "36." And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grade should know. The principal looks at Mrs. Brooks and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the third grade." Mrs. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him, some questions?" The principal and Johnny both agree. Mrs. Brooks: "What does a cow have four of that I have only 2 of? Johnny, after a moment "Legs." Mrs. Brooks: What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" Johnny: "Pockets." Mrs. Brooks: "What starts with C and ends with T, is hairy, oval and delicious and contains a whitish liquid?" Johnny: "Coconut." Mrs. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink and comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny takes charge..... Johnny: "Bubblegum." Mrs. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on 3 legs?" The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer..... Johnny: "Shake hands." Mrs. Brooks: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' questions, okay?" Mrs. Brooks: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do." Johnny: "Tent." Mrs. Brooks: "A finger goes inside me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first." The principal was looking restless and a bit tense. Johnny: "Wedding Ring." Mrs. Brooks: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver?" Johnny; "Arrow." Mrs. Brooks: "What word starts with F and ends in K and means a lot of heat and excitement?" Johnny: "Fire-truck." The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send Johnny to University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"
A preacher was making his rounds to his parishoners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher. "I'm just trying to make enough money to buy a bicycle," said the little boy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?" The boy said, "You got a deal." The preacher took the mower and tried to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start." The little boy said, "That's 'cause you have to cuss at it to get it started." The preacher said, "I'm a minister, and I can't cuss. It's been so long since I've been saved that I don't know if I even remember how to cuss." The little boy looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pulling on that string. It'll come back to ya!"
[FONT="]A married couple was on holiday. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman say, "You foreigners Come in. Come into my humble shop." So the married couple walked in. The man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex hero he was. The husband asked the man, "how could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The shopkeeper replied, "Why don't you try them on and see for yourself?" Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years -- raw sexual power. In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the shopkeeper threw him on the table and started tearing at the guy's pants. All the time the man was screaming, "YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET" [/FONT]
[FONT="]A bloke goes to the doctor and says, "I got this sex problem, doc". "Well", says the quack, "Tell me about your average day". "Well, it all starts in the middle of the night. My wife always wakes me up about 3:00 am for nookie and then again about 5 o'clock so we can spend a couple of hours making love before I go to work". "Oh I see", said the doc. "No, hang on", said the man,"...you see, when I get on the train to work I meet this girl every day and we get a compartment to ourselves and have sex all the way there". "Oh....now I see", said the quack. "No you don't", said our hero. "When I get to work my secretary really fancies me and I have to give her one in the storeroom". "Oh....now I see", said the quack. "No no no", he said. "When I go to lunch I meet this dinner lady I'm very fond of and we nip out the back for a quickie". "Now I understand", said the patient doctor. "No, hang on", said the bloke. "When I get back to work in the afternoon my boss, a very demanding lady I might add, has to have me or she says she'll give me the sack". " Ahh....", said the doctor, "now I see..". "No, there's more", said our man, "when I get home my wife is so pleased to see me she gives me a blow job before dinner and then we have sex afterwards". "What's your problem?". asked the doc. "Well...", said our hero, "it hurts when I masturbate" [/FONT]
[FONT="]One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy. As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money...even more then you did." They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time. Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel/centerfold. Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and in fact it was their friend Jon. They asked him how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women. Jon replied, "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life (and I'm dead,) and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand. After everytime we have sex, she rolls over and murmur's to herself, "Damn income taxes!" [/FONT]
[FONT="]One day, a large group of people were waiting for the bus at a local Greyhound station. At the front of the line was a very attractive woman dressed in a black business vest, white blouse, leather miniskirt, and high heels. As the bus pulled up and opened the door, she went to board it, but found that her skirt was too tight for her to raise her leg to the required height. Looking around and thinking quickly, she reaches behind her and unzips the zipper on the back of her skirt a little and then tries again. Again, she finds that she cannot maneuver the step, so once more she reaches behind her and unzips her skirt a little more. With a smile, she looks at the bus driver and tries to board again. With disappointment, she finds that she still can't step that high and so with exasperation and a sigh she unzips her skirt the rest of the way down. To her amazement, her leg still will not reach the bottom step. Finally, a very large Texan behind her gently grabs her by the waist, lifts her up, and places her on the bus. The woman turns to the Texan furious and says, "Who do you think you are to touch my body in that way? I don't even know you!" Nonplused, the Texan looks at her and replies, "Well, ma'am, after you unzipped my fly I thought we were pretty good friends." [/FONT]
Why I'm divorced . . . Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast Hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', And possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, She barely said good morning, Let alone ' Happy Birthday.' I thought.... Well, that's marriage for you, But the kids.... They will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast And didn't say a word.. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low And somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, My secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, And by the way Happy Birthday ! ' It felt a little better That at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock , When Jane knocked on my door And said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, And it is your Birthday, What do you say we go out to lunch, Just you and me..' I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!' We went to lunch. But we didn't go Where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro With a private table. We had two martinis each And I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We?' I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?' She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.' After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, 'Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom For just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, After a couple of minutes, She came out Carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed By my wife, My kids, And dozens of my friends And co-workers, All singing 'Happy Birthday'. And I just sat there.... On the couch.... Naked.
AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m.. E.S.T. I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message. First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket... The even ing was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 ..45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?! I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again]. After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful! I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!] I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb .... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car. Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.). ;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you .... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.Have a good day! Thoughtfully yours, Alex
Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut. ***************** A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?' Granny replies, f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?! **************** Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?' Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex. Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement. Dad says, 'So what were you watching?' Billy says, ' Wimbledon .' **************** A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband, I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.' He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.' *************** Wife gets naked & asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?' Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of humour! *************** An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?' He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.' *********************************** Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a Prostate examination. Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted. The waiting room was filled with patients. As I approached the receptionist's desk I noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. I gave her my name. In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, IS THAT RIGHT?" All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man. But I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS." The room erupted in applause! DON'T MESS WITH OLD SEMI-RETIRED GUYS!!! ****************************** Paddy was waiting at the bus stop with his mate when a lorry went by loaded up with rolls of turf. Paddy said, ' I gonna do that when I win lottery ' ... 'What ' s dat ' , says his mate. 'Send me lawn away to be cut ' , says Paddy.
Giuseppi walks into work, and he says,"Ey, Tony! You know who's-a George Washington?" Tony says, "No, Giuseppi, who's-a George Washington?" He says, "Hah! George-a Washington's the first-a President of United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen." A couple of days later, Giuseppi walks into work and says."Ey, Tony, you know who's-a Abraham Lincoln?" Tony says, "No, Giuseppi, who's-a Abraham Lincoln?" He says, "Hah! Abraham-a Lincoln is-a sixteenth President of-a the United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen." A guy in the back of the shop yells,"Yo, Giuseppi . . . you know who Fishlips Lorenzo is?" He says, "No. Who's-a Fishlips Lorenzo?" The guy yells, "That's the guy who's-a bangin' your wife while you're in night school."
A couple had only been married for about two weeks when the wife complained of a burning sensation in her chest. She told her husband who suggested that she go to the doctor to be examined. She arranged an appointment for a physical and wentthe following day. Later that day, the doctor called the husband at work, "I'm phoning to let you know that your wife has acute angina." "Yeah I know," said the husband, "she's got a nice pair of tits too!"
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well son,it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing that apple and, at the end of the day, Isold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them for 20 cents. I continued this system of polishing and selling, each time reinvesting my profits into buying more apples." "Wow!" said the young man, "and that's how you accumulated your fortune?" "Nah", said the old man, "my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
One day, when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word "penis" in tiny letters. She turnedto the class, scanned the boys and girls, looking for the guilty face. Finding not a guilty face in the bunch, she quickly erasedthe blackboard and began her class. The next day, the teacher went into the classroom and noticed, in larger letters this time, the word "penis" on the blackboard.Again, she looked around the classroom in vain for the culprit, but found none. And so, the teacher erased the blackboard andproceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning, for about a week, the teacher went into the classroom and found the same word written on the blackboard, eachday, written larger than the previous day. Finally, one day, the teacher walked into the classroom expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board. Instead, she foundscrawled on the blackboard: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"
A husband and wife were having dinner at a fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, andwalks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!" "Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress." The wife says, "That's it; I want a divorce." "I understand," replies her husband, "but remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no morecountry club. But... the decision is yours." Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim?" she asks. "That's his mistress," replies her husband. "Oh," says the wife, "... Ours is prettier."