Jokes Jokes Jokes

Discussion in 'Forum Games' started by pedagogy, Jun 2, 2010.

  1. cadram

    cadram MDL Member

    Apr 27, 2015
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    work.JPG
     
  2. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early, I'm going to be a father!"
    "Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off"
    When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk
    "Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"
    "I dunno, I'll tell you in 9 months"
     
  3. cadram

    cadram MDL Member

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  4. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    Two blokes living in outback Australia saw a couple of jobs advertised by the Queen looking for footmen, to walk beside her carriage.

    They applied and were flown to London for an interview with Her Majesty.

    She says: “Because my footmen must wear long white stockings, I must see your ankles to be sure they are not swollen or misshapen”.
    After they show her their ankles, the Queen says: “It is also important that you do not have nobbly knees, so I need to see your knees as well”.

    Once she has seen their knees she says: “Now everything appears to be in shape so I just need to see your testimonials”.


    Five years later, when the pair are finally released from prison, one of the blokes says to the other “I reckon if we had just had a bit more education, we could have got that job”.
     
  5. zen45

    zen45 MDL Addicted

    Feb 25, 2010
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    Something To Think About...
    Something to think about today as you are sitting down.

    1. The inventor of the treadmill died at the age of 54

    2. The creator of gymnastics died at the age of 57

    3. The world bodybuilding champion died at the age of 41

    4. The best footballer in the world Maradona, died at the age of 60.

    5. James Fuller Fixx is credited with helping start America's fitness revolution by popularizing the sport of running died of a heart attack while jogging at 52 years of age.

    BUT

    5. The KFC creator died at 94.

    6. Inventor of Nutella brand died at the age of 88

    7. Cigarette maker Winston died at the age of 102

    8. The inventor of opium died at the age of 116 in an earthquake

    9. And the Hennessey Liquor inventor died at 98.

    How did doctors come to the conclusion that exercise prolongs life?

    The rabbit is always jumping up and down but it lives for only 2 years and the turtle that doesn't exercise at all, lives 400 years.

    So, take some rest, chill, stay cool, eat, drink and enjoy your life.
     
  6. zen45

    zen45 MDL Addicted

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    PREGNANT BLONDE

    What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
    I wonder if it's mine.
     
  7. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    An elderly woman called 999 on her phone to report that her car had been broken in to.
    She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
    The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
    A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
     
  8. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their position in life and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.
    The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.
    The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.
    Number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis."
    After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my parents house for two weeks."
    The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes, he bought me a Fiat 500."
    "Well," the third one says, "I also have a confession to make, canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg!"
     
  9. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    A Jewish woman wants to take her dog to Israel, so she goes to the travel agent to find out how. He says, "It's easy. You go to the airline, they give you a kennel, you put your dog in it, when you get off at Tel Aviv go to the luggage rack, and there's your dog.
    So she does, gets off at Tel Aviv, goes to the luggage rack, no dog. She goes to the lost and found, says, "Where's my dog?" They look all over the airport for it, and find the dog in another terminal. Only the dog is dead.
    "Oh, my Gosh, they say, we killed this woman's dog. What are we going to do?"
    Then one says, "Wait a minute, it's a cocker spaniel. They're common dogs.
    There's a pet shop across the street from the airport. We'll get the same size, shape, color, sex. She'll never know the difference."
    They bring the woman the other dog and she says, "That's not my dog." Laughingly and making light of it they say, "What do you mean that's not your dog?"
    And she says, "My dog's dead. I was taking it to Israel to bury it."
     
  10. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    While shopping for holiday clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits.
    It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
    'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a two piece or an all-in-one?'
    'Better get the two piece,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
     
  11. freddie-o

    freddie-o MDL Expert

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    #5192 freddie-o, Feb 7, 2022
    Last edited: Feb 7, 2022
    A man goes on vacation to Jerusalem with his wife and mother-in-law.
    While in Jerusalem, his mother-in-law suddenly dies.
    At the funeral parlor, the undertaker tells the man, “You can ship her home for $5,000 or you can bury her here for only $150.”
    The man thinks about it for a while, then decides to have her shipped home.
    The undertaker asks, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when you could have her buried here in the Holy Land for only $150?"
    The man says, "A man died here 2,000 years ago. He was buried and 3 days later, he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
     
  12. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    A beautiful blonde saw the cases of beer on my front seat.
    She leant in the window and said, “Would you like to exchange beer for sex?”I said “Sure, what beer you got?”
     
  13. cadram

    cadram MDL Member

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    Two women cohabitating comes under the heading strapadicktomy.
     
  14. cadram

    cadram MDL Member

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  15. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    The foreman at a construction site noticed that one of his
    carpenters, who was shingling the side of a house, kept
    throwing away every second or third nail. “What are you doing
    that for?!” he asked the carpenter.
    From his ladder the carpenter replied, “ The head is on the
    wrong side of some of these nails, Boss!”
    Exasperated, the foreman called back, “Well, don’t throw
    them away! They’re for the other side of the house!”
     
  16. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?'
    The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
    'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'
    A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
    'The big sissy.'
     
  17. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    Jim was off work in quarantine because he had contracted the coronavirus.
    Finally recovered and back at work, he ran into a friend of his who asked, “Jim, how are you feeling?”
    “I’m better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience,” Jim replied.
    “Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?”
    “Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know, whenever the postman came by or a delivery man headed towards the door, my wife ran out to meet them. I could hear her excitedly saying, ‘My husband is home! My husband is home!'”
     
  18. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.
    She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
    He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour.
    Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"
    Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.
    Two lessons here:
    1. Many lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
    2. Many blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think